I don't know how to title this. It's gonna be a bit all over the place, like my thoughts at the moment. I've been feeling terrible for the past couple of days, so I just have to get this off my chest. Between medical appointments, some unexpected last minute plans, and visiting my grandparents, it's been hard for me. I mainly wanted to touch on that last point.
Last week I was visiting my grandparents 4.5 hours away with my father. Though I'm an adult, due to multiple reasons I'm kind of forced to go there 1-2 times a year until I finish university. We traveled back home on Saturday, and that day broke me. I was woken up an hour before my alarm, and during breakfast my grandfather made an off-handed joking comment (which he always does, and it is never funny to me). I only ate half of my food, holding back tears the whole time, and ran upstairs to cry.
Now to explain these comments, he always half-jokingly remarks on certain things, like me not speaking in certain situations, not spending enough time with them and instead choosing to be in a room by myself, how I eat, and my dislike of certain foods. I vividly remember one incident from about 10 years ago, which he still makes fun of to this day. Grandma prepared duck with cooked red cabbage, and I refused to eat the red cabbage (besides the texture being horrible, its color reminds me of beetroot - I was force-fed beetroot in kindergarten), after much protest they allowed me to not eat it, but not without comment. And every year since than my grandfather always jokes: "Guess what weŕ having for lunch tomorrow - red cabbage."
The way back was exhausting, and I was on edge the whole time. When I came back, the fact that my boyfriend (who went to visit his parents 2 days prior) left the door to my room open, and left his chilli and some other plants in my room (I told him to put them on the balcony, they had so much water, the soil has enough moisture even today, so 2 days in the sun wouldn't dry them out at all). I also had to throw out an orchid, which was already dieing, and had bugs in the soil. The thought that plant with bugs being in my room for 2 days... just terrible, it make me feel completely unsafe in my own room.
After I amended this situation, and settled down, I just screamed until my throat hurt, and wanted to die. Since than my mood is overall really low, and I've smoked and drank more than I wanted or should. But this situation makes me think about how terribly my grandparents have treated me over the years. They constantly made fun of me, belittled me and my behavior, and shouted at me for the smallest things to the point, that now I afraid to even close a car door around them. It makes me not want to visit them anymore, and honesty, I'm already dreading the next Christmas, or whenever we'll go there next.
23 Jul 2024, 1:33 pm
