Having Lots of Kids as Autistic Parent?

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My question is this: what is your experience parenting with autism? Anyone have a large number of kids and find it rewarding or regret having "too many"?

I am 29 year old male with mild ASD. My wife is Neurotypical, and we just had our first son. He's 5 months old. I'm learning it's much more difficult to be a good father with autism than I thought. I have so much less energy than my spouse to help take care of him. I feel guilty I often need so much more sleep and recharge time than my wife does. It makes me feel like a slacker, although I give everything I have. I think my wife struggles to understand how I simply have less social battery available to give to our precious son than she does. I love this little guy, I love children, I grew up in a large family and loved it, and my wife wants to have a lot of kids. Part of me wants to agree with her, and plan for a large family. I would love that. But I'm scared of biting off more than we can chew as an ASD-Neurotypical couple. Thoughts? Wisdom from experience?

We've just got the one. To be honest, I never expected to be a parent. I thought my inflexibility and selfishness with needing loads of alone time were bad fits with the demands of parenting. I wasn't wrong about that but pre-kid I wasn't factoring in the way it being your own kid makes you want to overcome those things.

That said, I don't want any more. I feel a bit bad for mine being an only child, especially as our families are quite estranged so she doesn't even see much of her cousins. And we live in an isolated area so she's lonely a lot of the time. Siblings can take the edge of those things and be a good source of support through life. Or they can be virtual strangers to each other like mine are to me.

But I know I don't have the bandwidth for more. For reasons I'm not going into here I have to do more than my fair share of the parenting and I find it exhausting. I do it as well as i can and I know I'd do a worse job the more children I had.

Fortunately for me I don't have the pressure of a partner who wants something different. That's a challenge and I don't know how you resolve that.

Well apparently all us child free people are just single cat ladies, lol we should make a cat lady convention that very openly welcomes single male cat ladies, we can all be cat ladies together bearded or not. Anyone can be a cat lady if they want to be...lol.

But I am not a parent so not sure it would be a good example but with the political climate now, then maybe its a good thing to teach young ones that magas are traitors. they are the ones betrying this country not the democrats.

I raised my children as a single (autistic) mother. One is, as we call her: "normal". One is ND -- officially 'just' ADHD, but she has so many medical challenges that are comorbid with autism, plus both the ADHD and anxiety that autistic women are prone to having as part of a cluster, that we've discussed possibly getting her retested for autism at some point.

The first thing I want to say, and I would say this to any new parent regardless of neuro status: everything is just a stage, and all the stages pass into the next one. You haven't hit your stride yet with this baby? That's OK....the next stage will be different and might work a lot better for you. Kids actually sometimes prefer one parent over the other, and then it shifts.

As for specific advice to being an ND parent: be sure you and your wife have lots of individual and family support. Parenting groups are great. Extended family, if that works for you. I know the AANE has various Zoom groups to discuss parenting which could help:

https://aane.org/services-programs/

Also, make sure your wife learns as much as possible about how autism affects you so she knows you're not just being lazy or unwilling to pull your weight. Which means you need to learn all the ways you CAN pull your weight, because 90% of raising a child is about the infrastructure of cleaning, cooking, getting to events/appointments/etc. on time, and PLANNING all of that. So even if playing peekaboo or pushing a stroller isn't your strong suit, there is so much to do that you'll be able to do your part.

And then, to echo @DuckHairback:

I have two children and that is sufficient for me and I needed my spouse to be a full co-parent. In fact, he's now primary parent because I took a new job and it's using my energy. Could we have had more children? Yes, but we'd need to have systems and allocate our limited energy accordingly. It wasn't in the cards for us. Could we have had less children - sure (almost didn't have any), but I needed two children so they could interact and grow together --- I can't do it all. Example: My son is super sensory seeking and it's hard for (hypersensitive) me to manage, but when I've had my fill (or beforehand) he can take on my (hyposensitive) daughter who welcomes the challenge. Phew!! ! And with Playful Parenting and Siblings Without Rivalry (book recommendations), they're learning a top skill in my mind: navigating relationships and managing conflict.

Congrats on your new child!! ! Wishing you well as you navigate your needs relative to the new role. Your child will benefit from your understanding of yourself and your compassion and grace.

I am Autistic & my boyfriend/fiance wants 3 children but I am scared of the childbirth process plus I have NO experience with taking care of babies!! !

I always thought I'd be functional enough to be able to handle parenting.
Looks like that boat has sailed.
I kind of doubt if I'd connect to an adopted child the same.

Hey, there, Live330.

Apologies for failing to properly introduce myself prior to this point, as this is my first post on WrongPlanet. I've been sporadically lurking forever (several years), and I stumbled upon this thread after a particularly long hiatus. Hope I can help in some small way....

--- Introduction ---

My husband hasn't received a formal diagnosis, but we strongly suspect he's Aspie. As far as I know, I'm neurotypical; I'm just ultra weird and highly sensitive, with a suspected ASD savant biological father. Due to privacy concerns, I don't wish to reveal our exact number of kids, but I will say it's greater than 6 but less than 12. They are all under the age of 20. All of them are on the spectrum, varying from almost-but-not-quite classically autistic/strongly affected, all the way to Aspie. They are all full genetic siblings.

Okay, on to your thread.... Forgive the lengthy post. I promise, I edited myself. For two days. lol

--- Definitely Rewarding, Not Regretful ---

My faith teaches (and I agree) that children are a parent's path to Heaven. I believe with all of my heart that every one of my children is the perfect Divine gift for me, and I wouldn't trade any of my amazing kids for the entire world. Each one is fully accepted, appreciated, and loved for who they are. Differences and disabilities have never scared me (even before having children), because I believe that neurodiverse people, like all people, have inherent value. Disabled folks contribute to the world in ways that non-disabled folks cannot. Being a part of their lives, especially as their mother, is a privilege.

Regarding children, regret cannot exist with a worldview like that.

--- Congratulations on your Baby Boy! ---

Five months is such a fun age. Parents are typically still sleep deprived, but Baby is so darn cute and interactive now, bringing joy every day. It's so easy to get caught up in staring in wonder at this new little person you created. I wish you and your wife many, many more!

--- Thoughts ---

I love children. I miss having a tiny baby in the house, and the kids keep wishing aloud for a new one. (I can't speak for *all* of them, since one is nonverbal, but he doesn't seem to mind his siblings, who are all -- except one -- younger than he is.) As I approach the end of my childbearing years, I am very happy that I took full advantage of them. I still pray for "just one more," but that desire probably won't go away until I die.

Anyway, so here's the thing, with having lots of kids. Most of the time, they arrive one at a time, which isn't so scary. And spacing matters. If the babies come every year, things are more likely to get overwhelming very quickly. If there are 2-3 (or more) years between births, there's more time for everyone to adjust.

I don't expect the kids to be friends, or even to like each other (they are expected, however, to respect one another). Long ago, I figured that, if I was blessed with several ASD children, then the chances were greater of everyone having at least *one* friend among their siblings. Even if none of them were friends, they would at least have people who could understand what it was like to be different, and who would accept and respect them for who they are. Fortunately, we're a tight-knit group; they dislike being apart for very long. Conflict management skills are definitely built every day, but it ends up strengthening their bonds and enhancing their confidence and ability to cope.

Like others have mentioned, support is super important. My husband and I did not receive financial, emotional/mental, physical, or spiritual support from either set of parents, or from our siblings, or from social/charity groups, or from the government. It has been a rough road. Our list of friends is very short, but very cherished. Over the years, we tried to find others like us, and we found *one* family who could truly understand. My philosophy regarding the children and their disabilities seemed to deviate too much from most other parents in my situation. I would rather be alone than constantly harshly criticized, or made to feel inferior, for that philosophy.

Many of us struggle with feelings of failure, like we aren't good enough parents. Remember that no one has all the answers, and plenty of people don't have any good ones. Forgive yourself and each other. Fix mistakes, try something else if something isn't working, and keep moving forward. Like Miss ChicagoLiz wisely mentioned, literally everything is a phase. Sometimes, you just gotta survive it and get to the next one. For those of us with ASD kidlets, those phases typically last longer (and are more erratic) than our neurotypical friends, but those phases still pass. Patience above all else. Take breaks. When I see my husband get overwhelmed, I either try to send him out on an errand or I offer to load up the kids and leave him in peace.

--- Wisdom (if I'm even old enough to possess it, lol) ---

Please don't let fear influence decision making. Keep in mind that -- for a couple who desires a large family -- permanent decisions that restrict family size, made during times of temporary stress, are generally not a good idea. Regret will likely haunt you later, when your childbearing years are gone. If both of you want a large family, keep that goal in mind during the rough times. I have a friend with 10 children, one of whom was conceived and born during her husband's 1-year bout with unemployment. Over a decade later, they are more financially prosperous than they've ever been, and they can't imagine not having their 4th kiddo.

Please play to your strengths. If one parent can't stand a task and the other is neutral, then the neutral person gets the job. Early on in our parenting journey, it became obvious that my husband's highly sensitive olfactory senses caused him misery during diaper changes (that same sensitivity makes him an outstanding cook). I offered to take on diaper duty 100%, even in the middle of the night. Desiring a more egalitarian split of responsibility (he wanted me to sleep as much as possible, because I was frequently up nursing the baby), he hesitated at first. I made the argument that since I don't really care about the smell, it made zero logical sense for him to suffer.

Please avoid keeping score. One of you is not less of a parent than the other one, at *any* time. There will be times when you give more than she does, there will be times when she gives more than you do. At the end of the day, for everyone's sanity, it absolutely *does not matter* if this ever "balances out" or not. Do not put pressure on yourself/each other to be equal in deed or effort. You are both essential to your family. Trying to make parenting strictly equitable will likely result in unproductive conflict and stress (and possibly divorce). If you are doing the best you can, with the best information you have at the time, then that is all any of us can ask of ourselves, and our spouse.

Please count your blessings. Every single day. Pray them, meditate them, sing them, journal them, whatever you have to do.

I love your thread. Thank you for starting it.