Reasons why I am way stupider than I want

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Written in second person. Idk why. Just is.

You never ever ever get any unsolicited compliments on your intelligence at all whatsoever.
As a minor you probably lived in foster care and attended a special needs school. When you moved out and got your own house your social worker insisted that you lived in supported living, where many of the staff would take advantage of you and gaslight you and dehumanise you.
It got to the point where you developed agoraphobia and you were scared of leaving the house. You wanted to order groceries off the internet, but couldn't because it was more expensive than shopping in real life and you were too poor to do such a thing on a regular basis.
You could not control your anger whatsoever even though everyone told you that you could. Every time you got angry you would have an extremely childish cringey embarrassing anger outburst characterised by acting aggressive, punching people, and saying stupid generic abusive terms to them while being too idiotic to think of a clever way of taking your anger out on other people, or better yet dealing with it in a healthier and more mature way.
You always feel like you're the only mentally sane person left in this extremely f**ked-up world, that you are rather primitive and that every other human being is well ahead of you in every possible way.
You developed social anxiety, especially at school, even at a special needs school, due to literally every single other young person making fun of you.
You are no stranger to comments such as "stop being dramatic", "calm down" "I don't want any more of your histrionics".
You are subject to trolling and back-handed comments on the internet constantly.
Strangers that barely even know you constantly make snarky judgments about your extremely low mental capacity.
You struggle with intense self-loathing that will never go away or at least die off no matter how hard you try.
Even after discovering 16personalities.com when you were 13, you are still extremely obsessed with personality typology. To this day, even though you are a legal adult, you would kill to be a personality type considered to be the most intellectual, the most mysterious, the most complex. You really do not want to appear shallow, vain, histrionic, materialistic, food-obsessed and lazy, crybaby, dumb.
Psychologists, therapists, particularly nice teachers and the like would tell you vague advice, information and blatant white lies such as "You're very intelligent, stop being so hard on yourself". They probably also told you that all of those people that ever bullied you are less intelligent than you, when in reality the opposite is clearly the case.
For your entire life you failed to get employed. Application after application, there was no success. You got barely any money from the government, literally just enough for food and not much else. You considered joining the army but couldn't due to your psychiatric problems, drug addiction, and underweight BMI. You considered becoming a fashion model but couldn't because you were too physically unattractive. You considered becoming a food delivery cyclist but couldn't because your passport was out of date and it would be too long and complicated and hard to get it updated. You could try a freelance creative career, such as youtuber or musician or author, but felt far too scared that everyone would find all of your works of art akin to a 4-year-old's drawings. In your late teens you were the only unemployed person of the age group you knew of, even though all of those "friendly" adults told you that most 19-year-olds don't have jobs. You were extremely jealous of anyone that had a job, even if it was menial.
Your way of using vocabulary is extremely far more unwitty, direct and plain than that of most other people, completely free from sarcasm, wit, or metaphor.
You have always been an extremely easy target for emotional abusers.
Your parents were, and still are today, far more controlling of you than your siblings.
The older someone is, the nicer they are to you.
You have always had rather uncool outdated ugly taste in music, fashion, furniture, aesthetics, etc, compared with everyone else.
At some point in your life, most likely in your early teens, you became anorexic to compensate for the intense psychological anguish acknowledging how dim-witted you truly were when compared to your peers. You may be very stupid but at least you are skinny. No-one wants to be dumb and fat at the same time.
People talk down to you all of the time.
People ask you if you're autistic quite a lot.
After every time you go out in public, you feel an uncontrollable urge to lie in bed doing nothing and desperately wanting reality to disappear forever.
You didn't start taking drugs until adulthood, due to your sheltered upbringing. Even when you were of age the only illegal substance you had access to was weed, and even then you had to be more careful than most people because you were more likely than most people to get scammed or ripped off. You probably also partook in alcohol, nicotine, and various legal highs such as diphenhydramine, dextromethorphan, and eBay herbs in an attempt to numb the pain. The preoccupation with psychoactive substances began at an early age but it wasn't until later that you finally managed to somehow achieve your aim, to an extent to say the least.
You are subject to 8-year-old's giving you sexual comments that make you feel very uncomfortable.
People seem to believe that you're "clever" because you have hoards upon hoards of unread philosophy books, genuinely clever people (in other words, most people excluding you) wouldn't be interested in such a thing at all because without even realising or actively trying they create their own philosophies instead of reading about someone else's.
All of your opinions are based in emotion ("I like South Park but I hate Futurama just because the former is more aesthetically pleasing than the latter"). You have no logical opinions whatsoever ("I don't know if god / free will / objective morality / reality / etc exists").
You always receive the worst most embarrassing gifts ever for birthday and christmas and other occasions.
You look 11-14 years old at age 18-22.
You can never envision any possible ramifications of any of your actions whatsoever.
Everyone you ever meet is either a complete jerk to you, worryingly nice and passive-aggressive and two-faced, or just gives you loads of white lies that you are clever enough you are pretty enough you are based enough you are funny enough and so forth when really you are probably the opposite of such good adjectives.
You frequently invent funny scenarios, temporarily thinking you're the best fiction author to ever live only to read your own text six months later and realise yourself that a child could have easily written that.
Even therapists take advantage of you and you can't trust them at all.

The path you describe is a familiar one. The intensified internal life is probably a result of a neurological variant that is more complex, faster, or more sensitive. During childhood, this results in extraordinary developmental delays. One may always view life as an "outsider" but develop managements skills that make thins easier than in one's youth.

The videos by Tony Attwood (many about Aspergers) can be helpful as well as others like the free pdf booklet, "Aspergers - An Intentional Life"

http://christianpioneer.com/blogarchiev ... e_2017.pdf

EIGHT YEAR OLDS are harassing you? My goodness no wonder you don't want to leave the house.

The hard truth is that people are bothering you because you are "presenting" differently than others and some people feel free to point it out. You can try figuring out what is triggering the attention and change that, or you can start telling the people to f*** off and work on not caring about it. It is not likely your weight or intelligence. Its more likely a way you are standing/moving, a facial expression, or a way you are dressing.

It's upsetting you, clearly, and I don't think you should give yourself more stress. You sound a little overwhelmed. If there's an easy fix, like maybe wearing different colors or practicing responses to expected conversation, I say try making a change. If you are drawing attention with something you need, like a stimming behavior or certain tolerable clothing, I say make sure you are keeping the things that help you function.

This early adulthood phase is a hard one for autistic adults. You shouldn't try to compare yourself or your achievements to others. People on the spectrum "stew" in a different way than other people. It works out over time. These senses that you are currently using to beat yourself up with can be turned to an interest or career that can turn out to be quite rewarding. Your future will definitely be better than what you are experiencing right now. Please take solace in that.

I can imagine how bad it's felt with all the self-doubt, the anxiety, and feeling belittled by others. I want to let you know that this is a no-judgment zone; I am here to always lend an ear to you and support you, not to make you feel worse or guiltier than you may already feel. It does take a lot of courage to share.

Sweet Pea hugs