Scared of the future

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Just wanted to post this to get my thoughts out somewhere. Today was a overwhelming day that I haven't had in a long while. I ended up overextending myself today while trying my best to figure out why my application for medical assistance was denied (You can read more about this in the Random discussion under things that made me unhappy). After doing everything I did I ended up feeling overextended and it felt like my body shut down this evening. Like I mentally, emotionally couldn't deal with anything. I got a temporary accounting job starting on Thursday that is about a hour away from where I live and am just scared I won't be able to handle it.

I feel like for some reason I can't handle stress as well as I used to anymore which saddens me. I am just scared of the future as it looks so uncertain compared to just two months ago. Two months ago I lost my job that I had with the Maryland Judiciary due to something I did that was wrong. I used my work issued laptop during May and most June to look up adult content on Twitter. I did it because all my other avenues at home were cut off because of a filtering software and in my desparation and sexually addicted state I decided to use my work laptop to lookup things at night. I did this all during nonworking time and never once looked at anything while working. After I did it the guilt began to wear on me a couple weeks later to the point where I knew I couldn't continue living a lie and working at the Judiciary as if everything was fine when it wasn't. Before this incident occurred and during I was under alot of stress from work and was having days of nausea and stomach pain where I sometimes could only make it to work a couple days a week. I had FMLA (Family Medical Leave Act) time I could take and exhausted alot of that time staying home due to anxiety.

I came clean to my boss about what happened with my laptop in late June and was put on a two week administrative leave while HR conducted an investigation. After the two weeks concluded the HR Department in their generosity gave me the option of resigning versus being terminated for cause. I resigned from the Judiciary on July 11th. This is the first time I ever spoke about this on WP but I know it's a safe place here and thought it would be good to get it out.

Looking back it was such a horrible, horrible mistake and there were things I could have done differently. I could have given the laptop to my supervisor instead of keeping it at home. Through the grace of God (and that's the only thing I credit) I have been given an opportunity for a temporary accounting position with a Potato Roll company a hour away for 3 to 6 months. I am very happy about being given the chance but don't know if I'm ready mentally or emotionally and am scared of the future. I feel like I have somehow lost a piece of myself. Anyways I just appreciate everyones positive thoughts and if you read this far thank you for reading

So... I've been struggling a lot the past few years with work. I've been working the same warehouse job for 20 years and it's worn me down. If it wasn't for FMLA, I would have had to quit. I have a week now and then where I need at least 2 days in a row to recover. Headaches and anxiety. Yes, shutdowns are brutal.

I'm not going to judge you for looking up porn or stuff related to it, I do it more than I should myself. Yes, using a work issued computer to look up Porn, yeah man you f--ked up there. That said, it sounds like the job was burning you out.

Ok, the old job is now in the past, it's over and that chapter is closed. With this new job, all you can do is your best, starting a new job is always scary. Have you considered a work from home job? That might help deal with stress.

I don't even get what you did wrong...LIke not sure why an adult looking up adult content has to be such a big deal? unless you were looking at like child porn or something else gross like that, I just don't see the big problem. I thought most people have watched some porn from time to time.

For me its never done much for me, but like I've still watched some, who hasn't? Idk maybe some jobs have some crazy standards of how to be out outside work, but overall I don't think you did anything like awful by looking at adult content.