30 yo Ph.D (soon) who doesn't have independent living skills

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(Source: ChatGPT - at my direction)

Dialectical Behavior Therapy (DBT) skills can be very helpful for zzmnd in navigating the emotional and interpersonal challenges they’re facing in their Ph.D. program. Here are some specific DBT skills that zzmnd could apply to their situation:

1. Distress Tolerance: Radical Acceptance
- Context: zzmnd is facing the possibility of leaving their Ph.D. program, which could burn bridges and result in losing future references.
- Skill: Radical Acceptance involves acknowledging the reality of the situation without fighting against it. zzmnd can practice accepting that leaving the program might have negative consequences, but also recognize that staying in a toxic or unsupportive environment could be harmful to their well-being.
- Application: zzmnd could remind themselves that while the situation is difficult, they have the ability to choose how they respond to it. Acceptance does not mean approval, but it does mean understanding the reality they’re facing and deciding on the best course of action from there.

2. Emotion Regulation: Opposite Action
- Context: zzmnd might feel overwhelmed or discouraged by the challenges they’re facing, leading to emotions like fear, frustration, or hopelessness.
- Skill: Opposite Action involves identifying the emotion you’re feeling and taking action that is opposite to what that emotion would typically drive you to do.
- Application: If zzmnd feels like withdrawing or quitting out of fear, they could use Opposite Action by engaging more actively with supportive resources like Ohio Vocational Rehabilitation, or by seeking advice from mentors outside of their immediate academic circle. Taking steps toward positive action can help counteract the urge to give up.

3. Interpersonal Effectiveness: DEAR MAN
- Context: zzmnd might need to communicate with their advisor or other faculty members about their situation or needs, which could be challenging.
- Skill: DEAR MAN is a DBT acronym that helps structure assertive communication:
- Describe the situation factually.
- Express your feelings and thoughts about the situation.
- Assert your needs or wishes.
- Reinforce the positive outcomes if your request is granted.
- Mindfully keep your focus on your goals.
- Appear confident.
- Negotiate if necessary.
- Application: zzmnd could use this structure to discuss their concerns with their advisor, focusing on the specific issues they’re facing and what they need in order to succeed. For example, they could request clearer guidance or support, or negotiate for an alternative path that doesn’t involve burning bridges.

4. Mindfulness: Observing Thoughts and Emotions
- Context: zzmnd might be caught up in negative thoughts about the future or ruminating on past experiences with their advisors.
- Skill: Mindfulness involves observing thoughts and emotions without judgment. It helps in recognizing that thoughts are just thoughts and emotions are just emotions—they do not define reality.
- Application: zzmnd could practice mindfulness by setting aside time to observe their thoughts and emotions, noticing patterns without getting lost in them. This practice could help zzmnd detach from negative spirals and stay grounded in the present moment, enabling clearer thinking and decision-making.

5. Self-Soothing: Using the Five Senses
- Context: zzmnd is under significant stress, which can be emotionally and physically exhausting.
- Skill: Self-Soothing involves engaging the five senses to calm the body and mind. It’s a way to take care of oneself during difficult times.
- Application: zzmnd could create a self-soothing plan that includes activities like listening to calming music, spending time in nature, enjoying a favorite scent, or engaging in a relaxing hobby. These activities can provide emotional relief and help zzmnd approach their situation with a clearer mind.

6. Wise Mind: Integrating Emotion and Reason
- Context: zzmnd is facing a complex decision about whether to continue or leave their Ph.D. program.
- Skill: Wise Mind is the balance between Emotional Mind (driven by feelings) and Rational Mind (driven by logic). It’s about making decisions that honor both your emotions and logic.
- Application: zzmnd can reflect on their situation by journaling or discussing their thoughts with a trusted mentor, aiming to find a solution that aligns with both their emotional needs and practical realities. This might involve considering long-term goals, potential risks, and the emotional impact of staying or leaving.

Conclusion:
Applying DBT skills can help zzmnd navigate their current academic challenges with greater emotional resilience, clarity, and interpersonal effectiveness. By using these strategies, zzmnd can make more informed decisions that align with their values and long-term goals, while also taking care of their mental health.

@Fenn

That's super helpful. I appreciate it.

I'm going to make another post once I get a vocational rehabilitation update and meet with the director of ASPIRE again.

I do think you're pretty independent, zzmnd.

"Living skills" is something of a broad umbrella, and I think what you're doing qualifies as living and skills. You're doing important things to further yourself. These are specific actions, but as you mentioned, you're also managing your emotional state, which is going to be vital in having the time and attention span to do everything else you want to do.

I'm around your age and applied to a Master's program earlier this year. You seem to be doing what you believe you need to do; all of "independent living skills" can be summed up as doing what you believe you need to do.

I have some deficits, some of which are exacerbated by ASP, but I learn how to make up for them as I go. You seem to be doing that. There's no rush, especially for people in our community. You don't have to figure it all out in one day. Take your time, be kind to yourself, and eventually, you'll learn everything you need to learn. The same mentality that I have in common with NTs can drive us as well: one day at a time. One lesson at a time. One challenge at a time. Seems like you're on your way.

@twistedmetal333

I realize that I'm replying to your post much later but that's super helpful insight. You remind me of the analogy someone used that the best way to take a bite of an elephant is one bite at a time. Thank you.