Men and Masking

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- Are you diagnosed / self-diagnosed, and at what age?

I didn't go as far as "self-diagnosing," but I thought there was some likelihood. Later, my psychologist who I see for anxiety gave me a provisional diagnosis of autism. It's a provisional diagnosis because he isn't qualified to give me a formal diagnosis. I'm not sure that seeking a formal diagnosis would be worth it.

- Did you have difficulty finding a diagnostician as an adult?

I haven't tried, but I think my provisional diagnosis would help.

- Were you taken seriously by your GP, your family and friends, etc?

Again, I think my GP would take me seriously. Some family probably wouldn't take me seriously, mostly because they seem dismissive of non-obvious mental disorders ("All that stuff's BS. The only therapy those people need is a smack upside the head").

- If you weren't diagnosed in school, what challenges did you face trying to fit in?

I had a harder time during my first few years of school, but slowly made a few friends. Thinking back, I was probably regarded by many of my schoolmates as a bit of a weirdo.

- If you were diagnosed in school, or you went to special ed., how did that affect your social confidence?

I wouldn't say the experience was traumatic, but my social limitations in school has had a lasting effect on my social confidence.

- How did your autistic traits affect your relationships or your self-concept?

I didn't know that I was dealing with anything specific, but just thought there was something about the social world that I didn't understand. I felt like a social runt. I naturally learned were I was more comfortable and to manage my interaction in social settings that were more difficult for me.

- Did you feel pressure to hide your autistic traits? (sensory issues, special interests, etc)?

I didn't understand what traits I had. I just gravitated toward people who I felt comfortable with.

- Did you feel pressure to hide your emotions or fake them?

Probably more than I realized.

- Did you play sports or get ridiculed if you didn't play sports? (male stereotyes?)

I played little league baseball for a few years. I wasn't a natural, but I got better.

- Do you feel that society judged / will judge you for not conforming with NT boys / men?

Sometimes. I think I'm past the age where people would expect me to exhibit self-sacrificial hero traits.

- Do you feel like you wore a "mask" socially, or tried to fake it?

Yes, sometimes very much so.

- How does it feel knowing other autistic men are often branded as serial killers or psychos?

I can't imagine anybody would like being regarded as a bottled-up psycho.

- Did you ever feel like you'd be called an INCEL if you wanted to date or have sex?

No, I've usually been able to connect with romantic interests.

- Were you ever worried to tell a partner that you were autistic, or thought you were autistic?

I've had only one partner in my life since I became aware that I was likely autistic. We have diagnosed autism in our family (our son), so we're used to it.

- Do you feel society / women have unfair expectations about your career or your income / skills?

There are those who seem to think they're entitled to a world of wealthy men. By definition, we can't all be 1-percenters. The vast majority of men don't make six figures. If I were on the relationship market, I wouldn't sweat it. I'd rather be single than deal with entitlement. The one problem many men face, though, is getting into relationships with women who act like they're fine with his income, but actually intend to prod him to earn more once she thinks she has that grip on him.

- Is your mental health taken seriously, overall?

It depends on the person. The people who wouldn't take my mental health seriously are dismissive of the concept of mental health in general.

- Do you feel like autistic men's voices are heard in the media?

Less so now that the focus is on under-served autistic females.

Thanks for these questions. They were some good food for thought, and I'll discuss my answers to a few of them with my psychologist.

I took the CAT-Q test below and got a 140, but sometimes am unsure of whether dis/agree with the statements somewhat, moderately, or strongly. Still, the questions leave me no doubt that I camouflage (mask).

https://embrace-autism.com/cat-q/#Who_t ... signed_for

- Are you diagnosed / self-diagnosed, and at what age?
never diagnosed. click on my sig for details.
- Did you have difficulty finding a diagnostician as an adult?
n/a
- Were you taken seriously by your GP, your family and friends, etc?
n/a
- If you weren't diagnosed in school, what challenges did you face trying to fit in?
was always the most unpopular kid but almost always had the highest grades
- If you were diagnosed in school, or you went to special ed., how did that affect your social confidence?
n/a
- How did your autistic traits affect your relationships or your self-concept?
if you mean romantic relationships, so I believe my two longest-term relationships were with people who were on the spectrum. in particular, my parents were horrified at the thought I'd marry either. but otherwise about what you'd expect. most relationships began with having sex and then those partners would feel committed because of the sex (probably less likely nowadays)
- Did you feel pressure to hide your autistic traits? (sensory issues, special interests, etc)?
no because I didn't associate those with autism so I didn't try to hide them and needless to say they didn't enhance my popularity.
- Did you feel pressure to hide your emotions or fake them?
not as such. sometimes used alcohol to deal with them
- Did you play sports or get ridiculed if you didn't play sports? (male stereotyes?)
never played a serious sport. if I tried i'd be cut from the team almost immediately. I never had sports as a way to bond with my male peers.
- Do you feel that society judged / will judge you for not conforming with NT boys / men?
maybe but I managed to find a niche for myself and now at age 70 it doesn't seem to matter
- Do you feel like you wore a "mask" socially, or tried to fake it?
only by drinking alcohol in social situations
- How does it feel knowing other autistic men are often branded as serial killers or psychos?
it's upsetting however I must confess there are reasons. it's like being a sincere Muslim and having to deal with the reality of ISIS etc.
- Did you ever feel like you'd be called an INCEL if you wanted to date or have sex?
hard to answer. I wasn't aware of having a "condition" that would prevent me from dating. I basically pursued anyone I thought might be receptive, usually in the sense of being sexually receptive although not with the conscious intent of using the person for sex (my earlier sexual experiences were basically initiated by the woman even if they began because I was "hitting on them" due to a perception they might be receptive). Another thing is that I was apparently rather attractive when young however peers never treated me in a manner consistent with that premise, in fact I was sometimes told I was ugly. But that was apparently not true.
- Were you ever worried to tell a partner that you were autistic, or thought you were autistic?
the topic first came up after I was married
- Do you feel society / women have unfair expectations about your career or your income / skills?
not in my case
- Is your mental health taken seriously, overall?
not really a problem. I have access to resources should I need them
- Do you feel like autistic men's voices are heard in the media?
difficult to answer because it's hard to generalize about autistic men. But yes there is definitely room for improvement. Oddly the most positive representation is of LGBTQ+ autistic people of all genders. Cisgender straight men not so much.

Bump

-Are you diagnosed / self-diagnosed, and at what age?
Diagnosed at age 55

- Did you have difficulty finding a diagnostician as an adult?
I am lucky. One was found for me. It was a soft intervention. My sister is a speech pathologist who works with Autistic kids and saw traits in her older brother. She knew where to look

- Were you taken seriously by your GP, your family and friends, etc?
Other family members took me seriously. You guys are my friends

- If you weren't diagnosed in school, what challenges did you face trying to fit in?
What challenges did I not face? At best at times I semi-fit in.

- How did your autistic traits affect your relationships or your self-concept?
I thought of myself as a weak person. Much better since the diagnoses but still too squimish about being aggressive when I need to be.

- Did you feel pressure to hide your autistic traits? (sensory issues, special interests, etc)?
- Did you feel pressure to hide your emotions or fake them?
It was mostly not from others, but from me.

Did you play sports or get ridiculed if you didn't play sports? (male stereotypes?)
Did not play sports. Klutz big time

- Do you feel that society judged / will judge you for not conforming with NT boys / men?
Oh yeah. Back then if you did not fit in with what we call today traditional masculinity they assumed you were homosexual and called you "queer", "fa***t", or "homo".

- Do you feel like you wore a "mask" socially, or tried to fake it?
Aa a child I thought of it as being a boy. As an adult, I thought of it as acting professionally and believed a lot of others were doing the same thing because they were. "Acting professionally" is not a phrase that exists for no reason. What I did not know is I was doing it a lot more often and more intensely than most others. They think at my age being "stubborn" , "eccentric", and "set in your ways" is how old people are.

- How does it feel knowing other autistic men are often branded as serial killers or psychos?
Terrible

- Did you ever feel like you'd be called an INCEL if you wanted to date or have sex?
No. Age 67 does not fit the demographic.

- Do you feel society / women have unfair expectations about your career or your income / skills?
People were telling me I was not living up to expectations since I was a child. But they were telling just me what I thought I knew about myself.

- Is your mental health taken seriously, overall?
I don't know

- Do you feel like autistic men's voices are heard in the media?
Yes. The long overdue recognition of women's autism issues has not taken away from coverage men's autism issues from what I can see.