New diagnosis, and new here.

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Hello!

This will be a bit long. I found this place a few days ago, and the last year or so has been a ride for sure.

I have been diagnosed Level one Autism Spectrum Disorder by a wonderful doctor about a week ago. I was amazed at the battery of tests I was put through, having not read much on what a screening was like, and I found myself surprised by what the results were. I won't even get my complete results for another week or two, but I was informed of my diagnosis along with the notion that the tests indicated I have signs of ADHD, and that it was up to me whether to pursue medication with my primary care doctor.

I scored in the 99.9th percentile on every cognitive test unaffected by ADHD, at least is how I understood what she was telling me. I am not 100% sure what that actually means, but I was surprised by it none the less.

My entire life has been spent wondering what is wrong with me, what is different about me, speculating, guessing, and self-diagnosing. At one time I decided I must be a sociopath. I have a terrible time with empathy, and while I mean no one harm, apparently in my mind I fit within that framework. I did and sometimes still do have a bad temper, but never violent. I sought out examples of people who are sociopaths and manage to function in society and thought about how much I resembled them. I really didn't.

I later landed on Asperger's. This was years ago, and I was self-diagnosing. Asperger's was still in the current version of the DSM. I don't even remember taking any tests online or anything, it was sort of a different time, and I just read a lot on the subject and decided that I fit that diagnosis. Naturally, I kept all this to myself. Looking back, I am not a very good counsel for myself in these matters. It turns out I was essentially correct, but at the time I did not even consider altering my perceptions, or my actions based on what I had decided about myself.

I later tried to manage symptoms directly. My inability to make or keep eye contact was chalked up to a cultural norm. I sought out a culture in which eye contact was rude and decided I was playing by that rule. I don't remember what that was. I would tell people I was hard of hearing, as I work (worked? I'm on medical leave) in retail. Music, people talking, forklifts beeping, pallets clapping against the floor, paint mixers, that PA system talking, I wind up taking it all in, and when someone is talking to me, the truth is I can hear just fine, just I hear everything at a time. Once I zero in, I'm good, but... get and have my attention first. Either way, hard of hearing is a lot easier that telling everyone I work with "I have autism." It makes more sense to most people too.

To compound things, I was diagnosed with generalized anxiety disorder at the beginning of this year. I had sought therapy, and was on a long waiting list. This wait did not go well, and I found myself hospitalized a few weeks ago, of my own volition, and diagnosed with depression.

Being diagnosed with Autism, and beginning to reflect on what that really means and how that ties into seemingly everything I have gone through and put myself through has been eye-opening. I started reading books when I started to suspect and seek a diagnosis, and reading Unmasking Autism, seeing the list of traits in it, and going 'yup, that's me" to nearly all of them felt so jolting, and yet hopeful.

I hope I haven't rambled too much. I am glad I found this place, and I hope to stay!

Welcome to WP! I hope you stay, too.

My diagnosis (received at age 64!) is Autism Spectrum Disorder, Level 1 (Mild) with a note that I also satisfied the criteria previously associated with Asperger's Syndrome.

I'm not on medication. Instead I just, every once in awhile, exclaim to my bride that "I have a doctor's note for that!" (I enjoy that a lot more than she does. She was tired of hearing it before we left the Psychologist's office when I got my diagnosis.)

I do not have ADHD...but my bride does.

Another difference between you and me is you said "My entire life has been spent wondering what is wrong with me..." Well, before I was 10 I'd concluded that I was "different" but I wondered "What is wrong with everyone else?!"

Yeah, fall into the same categories with what criteria I satisfy.

I wish I could have gone about things wondering what was wrong with everyone else. I often wondered that, but I rapidly internalized that it was something wrong with me.

I don't think something is wrong with me, at least not in that sense, anymore. Depression is something wrong, I suppose, but with what I know now I can move forward in a more constructive fashion.

The hardest part for me is untangling everything about myself in the sense that I have been living in a neurotypical world, and I suppose masking for so long that everything has gotten so complicated and probably lead to my anxiety and depression.

Thanks for replying!

Welcome! Glad you're here.

I try to think of it as a so-far unrecognized, unappreciated, normal difference (like being left-handed vs. right-handed...and lefties used to get a lot of grief, too). But when I'm not trying I still tend to wonder what is wrong with people...

Welcome to Wrong Planet! I hope you enjoy it here.

Hi BlackRing

BlackRing, Welcome to Wrong Planet.

You mentioned, "My inability to make or keep eye contact was chalked up to a cultural norm."

That is actually one of my traits also. I do not make direct eye to eye contact and most neurotypicals (NTs) can spot that trait in a couple seconds. They assume that because I do not make direct eye to eye contact that I am hiding something, that I am false, a lier, dangerous, a bad person that must be avoided at all cost. Like you, this is far from the truth. I tested this a few years ago. I purchased a pair of prescription polarized sunglasses. It only allows horizontal and vertical light to pass through it and blocks all other types of light. It allowed me to see out and others to not see my eyes. It only reduced a small amount of light, so it was almost like not wearing sunglasses at all. So I could wear these indoors. What occurred was rather interesting. I would go to stores and other buildings and people would come up to me and begin conversations. Strangers would begin casual conversations. I was living in the world of NTs. It turns out that these glasses were the same type worn by law enforcement. Here is an example of Military Style Polarized Sunglasses.

Air Force Polarized Silver Mirror Lens Police Style Cop Pilots Sunglasses

This is similar to the type I used except I had prescription glasses that cost significantly more.

Your condition also seems to affect your hearing. They make many hearing aids that reduce sound levels. This is another tool that you might find very useful. You can control the levels of noise and separate it from verbal communications. That technology exist today and is common. You can separate out the noise that is bringing pain into your head.

Then you began to talk about depression. O.K. There are two tools that can reduce depression. These are SLEEP and EXERCISE. You need at least 2 hours total of REM and deep NREM sleep each night. This can be difficult to achieve. You need one hour of strenuous exercise each day to remove stress. These are the keys in my humble opinion to getting back in the game.

O.K. I probably gave you more advice then what you asked for. But I am 76 years old and time is running out.

I appreciate the advice!

I am exercising. Not every day, but often enough. Sleep is getting better again.

Before I broke and stopped working, I would wear my sunglasses in the building when i was on my way in or out. Definitely to keep people from bothering me, but still, it worked as intended. I actually have a pair of Randolph Aviators, so we think alike, they are polarized too!

I think I have a goal this time, and while I am depressed, I am able to see something to grapple with. I will be engaging in therapy with my eyes wide open, instead of just getting depression treated. My previous therapist, years ago, steered me back toward working on not being depressed and the like, instead of trying to find out how my mind worked. I really liked her, and in long retrospect I wish she hadn't done that, but here we are.

Anyway, thanks again.

Welcome to Wrong Planet!

Welcome to WP! I hope you find some answers here and that you enjoy interacting with the people here.

Welcome Black Ring! Thank you for your vulnerability, and I've enjoyed reading all the responses to your introduction. And I have this to add:

Just understanding that our minds work differently, that our filters are different and that we have less tools to manage the world bombarding us, if only we could understand that without judgement, everything would be eased. That's why I'm happy to be here with all of you. There's no problem to solve. May we all love ourselves in our quirkiness. We are gifted and have beauty to share in a world that so desperately needs it!