Hi, I wanted to share something that's been worrying me a lot. I recently found my old diaries from the year when I first realized I was gay, had my first crush and preparing to high-school exam. At the time, word spread quickly, as people love gossip, and it was such a small district where everyone knew each other. People were homophobic, and I faced a lot of bullying because of it and here how I feel on that now,
I’m scared of reading these old diary entries and realizing how much I lived inside my own world back then, completely unaware of what was happening around me. It’s frightening to look back and see how disconnected I was from other people’s actions and intentions, how I just focused on being perfect in school, thinking that was the key to everything. I didn’t see the mockery, the way I was being treated, until now. The things that seemed confusing or harmless back then suddenly make sense, and it’s like I’m seeing my past through a painful clear lens.What terrifies me even more is the thought that this same pattern might be happening now. What if I’m still living inside my world, not fully aware of what’s happening around me? What if there are things I’m missing, like before, and I won’t realize it until later? This thought makes me feel panicked, like I’m stuck in a loop, repeating the same cycle of isolation, even when I try to break out of it.It’s like the more I think about it, the more I feel trapped, afraid to trust what I see and understand, afraid of living a life where I’m disconnected again, not noticing what’s real or what’s happening outside of my inner world. I don’t want to keep missing out or being unaware, but looks like it's not possible to be changed. That’s what terrifies me most of all.
Maybe this resonates with your experiences
Today, 1:09 pm
