I've found my old diares

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Hi, I wanted to share something that's been worrying me a lot. I recently found my old diaries from the year when I first realized I was gay, had my first crush and preparing to high-school exam. At the time, word spread quickly, as people love gossip, and it was such a small district where everyone knew each other. People were homophobic, and I faced a lot of bullying because of it and here how I feel on that now,

I’m scared of reading these old diary entries and realizing how much I lived inside my own world back then, completely unaware of what was happening around me. It’s frightening to look back and see how disconnected I was from other people’s actions and intentions, how I just focused on being perfect in school, thinking that was the key to everything. I didn’t see the mockery, the way I was being treated, until now. The things that seemed confusing or harmless back then suddenly make sense, and it’s like I’m seeing my past through a painful clear lens.What terrifies me even more is the thought that this same pattern might be happening now. What if I’m still living inside my world, not fully aware of what’s happening around me? What if there are things I’m missing, like before, and I won’t realize it until later? This thought makes me feel panicked, like I’m stuck in a loop, repeating the same cycle of isolation, even when I try to break out of it.It’s like the more I think about it, the more I feel trapped, afraid to trust what I see and understand, afraid of living a life where I’m disconnected again, not noticing what’s real or what’s happening outside of my inner world. I don’t want to keep missing out or being unaware, but looks like it's not possible to be changed. That’s what terrifies me most of all.

Maybe this resonates with your experiences

if you're really in Turkey...be careful...are you crazy?

i must apologize to OP...the first thing i thought when i saw your avatar was "proud"...and tears came to my eyes but i stopped cuz men cry silently...sad or happy...or so i was told...sorry for ruining your thread...this will be my last post in this thread...btw, i skimmed through your first post yesterday and the similarities between you and me are a bit uncanny

Sure. Definately when I was younger.
Though it helped way less when knowing that my mom reads my stuff.

And then I thought things don't occur for me, and that things can happen when I want to.
And the reason why I don't have a lot of good entries because my mind spews too much of my guilty pleasures and refuse to write it.

Said guilty pleasure is actually maladaptive daydreaming. Invasive enough to interfere learning well from the real world.


Then I hit puberty.
Already got too much emotions and too much thoughts. Yet I never written all about it because of my sheer distrust over my parents.

Went through the phases of being overly self conscious, burnout through sheer dysregulation by the time I became a teenager...


While burning out, it warranted to my diagnosis and bad enough that I quit school.
I'm a little too aware of my existence, and nothing much about everyone else.

I'm aware that I'm constantly overwhelmed for seemingly no reason. I'm also aware that it's not conscious or voluntary.

Many would assume it's because one is being autistic, and some would panic and realize their differences in a negative light, all that internalizations.

But I have the power to question that when there are too many cases that are so hypervigilant over everything outside of themselves, when I don't feel true loneliness and longing for the ideas of relationships yet still feel like crap.

I questioned the reasoning why I did not ended up like the types of autistics that work their way up to mask themselves.
Turns out that I don't experience the same anxieties, that I don't have the same motives or fears, nor am persuaded the same stuff in childhood.


Only started to realize how to release my emotions through writing only 5+ years ago or so when I finally have my own room for the first time.

I knew I have a lot to process, unlearn, relearn...
And I did. I practically spent my 20s undoing the crap that has been happening to me so far.
Still in progress.

I'm still reckless, but aware and not giving a damn because of not knowing where my life is going so far.


Ultimately, yes I can relate.

I've realized it when I was 6. But I'm truly asocial that I really do not care; realizing I don't feel loneliness, disconnect or unsafely for being different.
Went through the phrases of apathy and caring, it's very much just swinging pendulums.

Bad enough to be so sick of myself.

But that didn't help because I'm very dysregulated from the very start.
No one knew what to do with me, I didn't knew what to do with me.

And because no one knew what to do with me, I did took the matters with my own hands as soon as I got an official assessment.

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