Female false red flag signals

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I think both intuition and looking out for red flags can be useful, but currently the concept of what is a red flag has so devolved that any oddity becomes a reason to label someone creepy or stalkerish. Then new victims are created, namely the socially inept who only want to make human connections but suddenly find themselves labeled as something awful. This doesn't help women feel or become any safer, in addition to being unfair to neurodivergent men.

How much time is elapsing?

If you start talking to a woman you don't know, and within the first 5 minutes are already "bringing up" that they seem to be cautious around you, then don't do that. That absolutely is a red flag, because abusive people will push like that. How would someone who doesn't know you understand that in your case it's not a danger signal? So don't do it.

If you've been talking with a woman regularly for weeks, getting along fine, and then all of a sudden for no reason (you haven't said or done anything out of the ordinary) they walk away and ghost you, then that's on them and you're better off without them.

There is a problem with red flag signals if they catch socially awkward autistics while socially skilled psychopaths and narcissists fly under the radar.

Sometimes a person can be a socially awkward autistic and an abuser/manipulator. We’ve had some of them on WP. It’s not a mutually exclusive thing.

Most neurodivergent individuals, no matter their gender, aren’t (considered) inherently creepy. Many do find partners although it may take more time and effort to get there for some. A willingness to adapt and make changes might help with that or just finding ways to meet new people if the issue is solely that they’re odd. There are a lot of women out there who are also odd, myself included.

I think it’s a good idea for most people - neurodivergent or not - to work on social skills. I’m saying that as someone who needs to work on those things, too. I’m extremely shy and withdrawn offline.

It might help to get to the bottom of why one is making others uncomfortable, especially if it’s a pattern and not just a one-off thing. Sure, some can be hypervigilant, but if it’s something that multiple people have alluded to, that’s a little different IMO. Maybe there’s a relatively easy fix to it, like not invading people’s personal space, not following folks around, or not looking at one person for too long. I’ve worked on the latter thing because I can daydream and not pay attention to where I’m looking, not that anyone has ever complained about it.

It’s a lot easier to suggest that people are being too sensitive or whatever than make adjustments. I’m trying to be helpful when I say that because, in some cases, not making adjustments is probably not going to lead to happiness long term. Historically on WP, I’ve often observed a resistance in this regard. Once again, I’m not referring to things one can’t help, benign oddness, or one-off situations.

My main point: It might be a good idea to work on things you can improve, like concerning behavior if there is any, and/or find ways to meet new people you might have things in common with. I bet it’s easier to appear creepy in bars or clubs, especially when alcohol is involved, not that I have any experience with those settings.

Seems to me it's less a matter of women over-analyzing, and more a matter of guys under-estimating or downplaying the impact of their behaviors - or failing to realize the issue to begin with.

Seems to me that it's a bit of a catch-22 to claim that you simply don't understand social nuances, but then also claim that you know for a fact you're not doing anything wrong, such that you're willing to then blame others for misunderstanding, rather than YOU misunderstanding, and your behavior being worse than you realize.

Seems to me to be that you just can't do right for doing wrong sometimes

It's happened to me loads of times where I think I'm doing the right thing but according to the general consensus I'm actually doing wrong

(Addressing the room, and not any one single person, as this is a broad issue which many people seem to experience)

I mean, that's generally how that works - regardless of one's intent, if you do something wrong, you get the wrong result.

Which brings me back to a previous point - if y'all are so adamant that you don't understand social skills, then why are y'all so confident that you haven't done wrong?

The fact that you don't understand things like boundaries and socially acceptable behavior, to the degree where you not only cross boundaries, but continue to cross boundaries, and justify crossing boundaries, makes you look MORE of a risk, not less. You don't even see the issues with your behavior, and refuse to discontinue it, or even acknowledge that it's wrong.

The fact that when told you've acted improperly or hurt someone else, or made them uncomfortable or feel unsafe, your sole concern is how hurt you feel for being criticized, without a single care for the feelings of those you've hurt, makes you look more of a risk, not less. There's a difference between feeling bad for yourself, and feeling bad for them - the same way there's a difference between feeling sorry for your actions, and feeling sorry for getting caught.

Whenever I hear someone blame others for "misjudging" their "harmless eccentricities", it makes me think of people I've known who thought stalking wasn't stalking, just cos they're doing it to be "friendly" and not to be harmful - or think harassment isn't harassment just cos they're saying nice things instead of mean things. It doesn't matter whether you wanna kill them or love them - stalking is defined by persistent unwanted attention, not just negative or harmful attention. Your desire to bombard a woman with "love", despite her wishes, is still harassment. Even compliments can be harassment, if the person wants you to stop and leave them alone.

If your "harmless quirks" or "benign oddities" actually hurt other people, actually make them feel uncomfortable or unsafe, then they are not in fact harmless or benign, you're just dismissing the harm they're doing, because "you didn't MEAN to" or blaming the other person for being hyper-critical - which again, makes you sound more like a risk, not less, since you care more about your intent and your own feelings, than the actual harm you've caused to others.

More than that - as with threads like this, you not only care more about your own feelings than those of the people you've hurt, you then try to gaslight the world into believing that the problem isn't YOU for actually misbehaving - it's EVERYONE ELSE's fault for not just accepting your bad behavior and your excuses for it.

I think the problem is more about behaving in ways that could make others feel uncomfortable, unsafe, or threatened. A lot of women find social awkwardness charming. The issue is more about crossing or not respecting boundaries. I don’t care if someone is aware or not; if they invade my personal space, follow me around, or stare, I’m not going to be interested, and I will find them creepy. If someone’s social awkwardness translates into nonthreatening behavior (e.g. stumbling over words, atypical eye contact, or seeming a little odd/nervous), I might find it charming or, at least, not off-putting.

What can one do? Find out what the issue is and work on it. I think we’re all capable of improving our social skills, especially if there’s some awareness that there’s a problem. Hopefully, we wouldn’t want to make people feel uncomfortable or unsafe.