ADHD Autistic programmer and glass blower

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Hello!

I’m new here and was recently diagnosed with ADHD and, with therapy, I am realizing that I am also on the autistic spectrum although I have not been formally diagnosed, I anticipate that I will get a formal diagnosis soon.

I am currently in one of my ‘down cycles’ that seemingly happen every ten years or so. I have become increasingly unable to do the work that pays me - software development - because I am very burned out and have had very difficult times dealing with clients. I discovered that the root of my problem was that I cared more about their software project that they did and, as a result, I have had more and more difficulty communicating and collaborating with my clients. I’ve been writing software for over 40 years and have become very good at it, but I have increasingly run into more and more difficulties dealing with clients over all of the other issues that come up in custom software development. I realize that this is a “me” problem, and it is what led me to speak to my therapist about it. We are currently exploring this as well as other issues — I’ve got a great therapist, but adapting to the knowledge of this in my life has become very difficult for me of late.

About 5 years ago I encountered the art of working with glass by accident and I absolutely fell in love with it. I have spent my whole life trying to find the one thing that resonates with me creatively and, just as I was about to give up on the whole idea that I could express my creativity in a way that was ‘right’ for me, I discovered glass. It was like love at first sight - my stomach dropped and my whole body was on fire. I’ve spent as much time and money as I could over the past 5 years to learns as much as I can about working with glass and creating glass art. I’ve begun the process to make a change in my life to commit to making glass art for as long as I am able.

Right now, the only thing that brings me joy is working with glass, but, as it is a very expensive activity, it is not as easy to just ‘pick up and blow’ in your backyard or garage. However, there are other ways of working with glass that do not involve having to use a ‘hot shop’ to blow glass: there is kiln forming, casting, and cold-working. These are things that I *can* do in my home, and I have been working over the last year to create a glass working studio in my basement with all the cold-working tools and supplies, kiln, hand-built sheet glass organization, water supply, and a brand new electric sub panel that runs all of this equipment. I take as many classes at the Stuidio at the Corning Museum of Glass that I can afford, and, as a result, I have worked with many world renowned glass artist to learn as much about the art and craft of working with glass.

Unfortunately, my jacked up brain constantly gets in the way of my success at this endeavor. I have extreme difficulty in just starting projects when I am in my studio. There are multiple unfinished projects that are just waiting for me to pay attention to and complete, but I cannot find a way to actually follow through.

I have finally found the one thing that brings me joy, and I cannot seem to muster the energy and enthusiasm to get things in shape so that I can benefit from all of the work that has gone into creating this space dedicated to creativity.

It doesn’t help that I am ADHD and I live my life in ‘piles’ - I have managed to survive a life driven by undiagnosed ADHD and Autism for so long, but it has just been surviving. Now that I have a name to the particular issues that have been wreaking havoc on my life for so long, and I feel that I finally have a direction that I want my life to go in, I am having the most difficulty that I have ever experienced in following through to get to a point where I can enjoy creating art with glass. However, so many things seem to get in the way of my progress and success - even though I try to be pragmatic and practical, most of my days are spent trying to regulate my feelings and emotions to a point where I can actually make progress and get things done. Most days I usually fail at this.

Apologies if this has gone on too long, but I feel that I am at the end of my rope. I know that change is difficult, but I am finding that this particular time in my life is so overwhelming and problematic that I just don’t have the tools and guidance that I obviously need to handle this. It’s also so very confusing — I *want* all of this - to be able to create glass art. I have spent oodles of money and time getting this set up, and I find that I cannot take it to the finish line. I cannot control my feelings and emotions - even in the screwed up way that I managed to survive in the past.

I cannot afford my therapist at the present time because I foolishly lent money to friends without considering how it would impact my future, and, because of current economic environment, they are having trouble paying it back - I don’t regret lending money to them, but, as always, I did not think about the long term effects (I’ve always just assumed that I would have work. I had been lucky in the past, but my luck has run out. I’ve exhausted my network for any work opportunities that I feel that I would be able to do, and there aren’t any. I think the problem is that my network considered me a senior tech lead, but I’m asking for non-leadership roles - just a programming job, and they don’t know how to deal with that. It’s very frustrating learning that something that I thought I could depend on isn’t there for me when I really need it.) I haven’t worked on a software engineering contract in over 2 years and I have depleted most of my savings and I am at a point where I can’t continue without some massive change so that I can create some kind of incoming revenue stream…but that is probably way too much information for me to share at this initial introduction - again, apologies.

I found this forum as a result of a conversation with an AI who suggested it, and I spent some time reading through the forums and such and I feel like I might find some people here that understand (more than me) what is happening to me, and help me find some new tools that will help me deal with all of this change in my life.

I’m compassionate and empathetic but also I can be so pedantic sometimes that it verges on the absurd. I discovered science and the scientific method at an early age when I was going through an identity crisis as a result of religious indoctrination, and using the scientific method to help me understand the world has been the corner stone of my ability to survive as long as I have. I’ve currently realized (with my therapists help) that, dealing with the world in this way was a survival technique and coping mechanism that had been very useful in my life to date, I’m discovering that I am much more than just a scientist in my thinking and that I need to ‘kill my darlings’ sometimes to experience needed growth. This is the reason that I’ve decided to focus more on my glass art than trying to ‘solve for x’ in the same way I’ve done my whole life.

I’m discovering that I have been relying on various coping mechanisms for so long that, when considering that I abandon them and try to construct new tools to deal with the world that I live in now, I am having much difficulty, and now find that I am in a space that simultaneously hold out hope for a gloriously fulfilling and joyful future, but appears to be just out of reach of the skills and techniques that I have relied on my whole life. I must change, but I am having a b***h of a time actually doing it.

I’d love to talk to anyone who has anything like this in common with me to hear about their experiences and maybe they can help me understand and learn some new tools for living that would help!

Welcome to Wrong Planet!

Hi Cliff,
Welcome to WP.

I too have lost the ability to follow through with damn near anything.
These days I feel the only way to regain my motivation is to find someone who shares my predilections, and that is SO unlikely considering my physical isolation.
With retirement I have lost most of the activities that apparently defined my self image.
Between age and autism I'm having problems working out what's left of me.

Welcome to Wrong Planet!

Welcome!

Good luck on getting things sorted out.

Welcome to Wrong Planet.

You wrote that you have found something that brings you joy. That is good. You love working with glass. But you are running into a problem. You start things but seem to never be able to finish them.

O.K. perhaps I can help, maybe. Many times people start on a project and then reach a point, some difficulty that stops them from completing a project. Then they stop. I found a solution to that.

It has to do with serial chains and parallel chains of thinking. The solution is as follows.
You begin by breaking the task into a number of pieces. To accomplish a task you may have many pieces to get to the end of the task. Write these pieces down. Break them apart into several subtask. Then you work on one subtask at a time. But somewhere you run into a stop block. Something prevents you from finishing the task. Perhaps you need to buy something or get something or learn something. Something brings you to a dead point.

Now here is how the approach works. You switch to a parallel mode. You have another task. You begin to solve this task in the same manner by breaking it apart into pieces. It will also have some problem somewhere along the line. So you go back to the first tasks and check to see if the stop block has opened up. If it has, you complete this tasks.

Sometimes I had 20 projects at the same time. Each had a detailed breakdown of subtasks. So I was always moving on getting to the end. I would bring one to completion and move onto another subtask. I was always on the move and accomplished many projects by working on a parallel/series approach.

So good luck on your glass projects.

The internet may help this approach:

8 Steps to Break Down Tasks Into Manageable Pieces

Concurrent vs Parallel Tasks for a Worker System

Hi: welcome.

I have read all the posts.

I struggle a lot, because I have several problems.

Depressive.

ADHD: I understand.

I have it too.

§

Every idea creates a corollary of other ideas and often nothing is accomplished.

Even though:
1) You have special talents
2) You are interested in something specific.

In your case you have an excellent way of thinking.
I assume that on the Myers-Briggs scale you are a potential INTJ.

Personally I have often undertaken academic careers excelling.
To then suddenly change my choices.

Electronics, and various others, in particular Medicine.
Because at the time of graduation I was asked what I wanted to study at University.

Clear logic was the answer: electronic engineering.

Ok I said.

But then I changed because my passion was medicine and also others.

In your case you have ideas that have gone from programming to an ideation on working glass.

Very nice idea.

Small Time-out.

Try to do things without thinking about the final goals.

Step by step: as already suggested, I also think it could be the only possible solution.

Mental hyperfocus only on what interests you, program your existence privileging your ideas, you will arrive at a result, then another even better until you excel.

Regarding communication with people, you have shown that you can do it.

In my case: I think that communicating or turning one's existence to the understanding of a neurotypical language is harmful to autistic abilities.

It is quite useless.

An autistic person communicates a value of 10 and at most people understand a tenth of what he would like to communicate.

Everything is so frustrating.

You can communicate with facts: results.

A painter can communicate with his art, just as you can do with your art which will be craftsmanship and blown glass.

When I was a child I watched many thematic programs, on many topics.

Near Venice there is an island Burano.

The production of blown glass by hand was of the highest level.

Two types of objects can be produced.
1) Artisan which has the prerogative of being unique and unrepeatable, each creation will always be unique, only in appearance will it be identical to the next

2) Industrial: but it takes investment and money, lots of it.
Now in the world only production counts, therefore the quantity at the expense of quality. A non-art, paradoxically it is what everyone in the world buys.

When I go to buy something it must not be of recent manufacture, then I resell it.

People do not appreciate the difference and if I buy for 2 euros, I resell the same thing for 190.

Only I do it on expert people sites.

It's not often that I find the beauty of a bygone era.

Sometimes I find myself behind in what I could have done.

A coin dedicated to an artist comes out.

I would have bought 100 of them.

But I only found out after they had been created.

Their value immediately began to increase a thousandfold.

An INTJ has a very keen intuition.

ADHD blocks that flow that would have allowed it to be exploited.

Autistic people generally do not enjoy monetary gain, but rather having found an uncommon mode of expression.

Welcome to WP

Thank you for the warm welcome. I’ve been having a difficult but interesting time of late in my practice of surrendering to my inherent nature instead of working against it. I am finally ready to accept that I am who I am *because* of my flaws and eccentricities, which is proving to be a much more difficult thing that I feel that it should be, but, nonetheless, has been an amazingly freeing experience.

I am caught off guard many times throughout the day with an overwhelming sense of loss and grief for all of the time that I have lost trying to be what I thought I was supposed to be. However, my life has been filled with extremely interesting and rewarding events. I have met some amazing people and had some amazing opportunities to participate in some incredible things during the times in my life where I have been searching for my identity, meaning, and how I am supposed to fit in to all of this.

Now, I think I’ve figured at least something out: I’ve been searching for meaning for so long in my life, but now I’ve realized that there is no ‘meaning’ other than the meaning that *I* create. This gives me a bit of hope and the permission that I need to let myself live as the artist that I’ve always been, but just didn’t realize it (because of so much childhood trauma that has taken me many many years to even start to identify and address).

I’m still having moments of, “Why is this so frikkin hard?” It feels so unfair so much of the time, and I seem to find myself in that pit of emotional dross so easily — I have to expend enormous amounts of mental and physical energy to keep myself from falling into that deep hole that it makes everything else that I try to do so difficult. Even things that I feel should be simple and easy are ridiculously difficult to accomplish.

Thank you for all of your wise words of advice and ideas to help me move through this. I really appreciate it!

I’ll keep posting here as much as I am able. I feel each and every one of you, and I hope that knowing that there are those of us who are on the same kind of journey will make it just that much easier to take the next step and to keep going!

Cheers,

Cliff

Cliffvick I can sympathize with much of what you have expressed. From everything you mentioned in your post, you do sound AuDHD like myself. Having AuDHD can feel like a double-edged sword because of the hyper-focusing abilities combined with the issue of incompletion.

What I have noticed as my biggest struggle occurs when I work on my books (writer). All I can focus on or talk about is whatever book I am working on, which can quickly become annoying to other people who do not have special interests or hyper-foces. The struggles have been getting to print. Currently, I am stuck in the editing phase and become very frustrated with the editing portion because it takes so long and requires going back and forth with editors. I prefer the creative aspects of writing, creating and researching (depending on the project), not the nitty-gritty of the edital portions. The delays of the in-between phases can be very discouraging. Nevertheless, I know my hyper-focusing is the only way I am going to be able to get through to completion...so I press forward, oftentimes to the annoyance of my loved ones and myself. Completion anxiety is a real challenge, one I am constantly at war with too.

Wish I had better insight onto the practical side with helping with the career aspect; but, I personally have little experience or understanding of those aspects and struggle too with neurotypical interactions. Wish it was a better economy; maybe consider starting an online business in the in-between? Not sure if that will help, just trying to help brainstorm out of the box.

Know you're not alone. There are millions more autistic people out there struggling too.
Cheers and keep your chin up
Joy

welcome!

Good luck and know we are here to provide ideas (some good and some not) to moving ahead. Believe in yourself.

Could you do volunteer work at the Corning Museum of Glass?
Many of us find it easier to socialize as docent.
Maybe you could help with prep/cleanup work at the museum assisting with classes?

Professional golf relies on volunteers to do a lot of work involved in holding events.