Managing Interactions With Neurotypicals - Approaches

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This is my first attempt to put the following on paper. These are just my thoughts, but perhaps some of this will resonate with others.

My basic (ASD person's) view of interactions between neurotypicals strangers is:
- They seek to be around "positive state" people because it makes them feel good. Although I never really cared about "feeling good" as a goal, I know it is important to the vast majority of people. If they feel good around me, they want to be around me.
- Like most people, neurotypicals have a great deal of challenges, and being around what they consider "positivity" helps them feel that things will work out, they get an emotional release, etc.

My basic view of myself (my ASD) in social interactions:
- I seek to be around those with whom they can go into detail about their special interests, study the details of others' special interests and life strategies, increase my overall knowledge, etc.

My biggest obstacles in relationships/interactions with neurotypicals thus far has included the following:
- They react to the mood on my face rather than the information I am providing. My mood is often "intense" when I am thinking hard, and they often see it as antisocial.
- They try to take conversations to an emotional level, which can be challenging for me because I don't know to manage such interactions
- They want me to validate their emotional experiences and care about minute details of things that are outside of my special interests. First I have to be aware of such emotions, then I have to value them, then I have to decide how to respond to them...

Strategies I have used in interaction with neurotypicals - putting myself in a "mode" in order to effectively process information; they are not only psychological "anchors" but also "processing facilitators". They key word for me here is "mode"
1. Verbal (but silent) mantras: For several years at various jobs, I used verbal (silent) mantras to myself to keep me focused, add to confidence, maintain clarity of though, follow what others were talking about, sort through ambiguous demands, handling challenging interactions. I rarely use this approach today. Examples: "I can do it", "I am successful", "I am focused", "things are good". I could put such a phrase in my brain and have it auto-cycle all day long all day long - like a song one can't get out of one's head
2. Focus attention on myself as if I were watching myself from the outside, in order to be aware of my mental/psychological/visceral reactions to others. This is effective at making myself VERY aware of the minute details and moods of those around me, those of myself, environmental cues, etc. However, this approach is extremely stressful to my autistic brain. It gets overloaded. There is a reason why I shut down such instantaneous information input long ago. This approach makes my facial expression and demeanor look EXTREMELY stressed, and those around me immediately notice it and give me angry or stressed out looks. I avoid this approach due to the stress it causes me, unless I am around people I know very well.
3. A Neuro-linguistic Programming (NLP) approach where I put myself into a certain state before I enter a social situation and take steps to stay in that state the whole time. I have my own special approach that works just for me, but examples for others might be 1) imagining a peak experience while on vacation, 2) imagining a scene where a social situation went very well, 3) any other experience where one felt on top of the world. I favor such approach now, as it is low stress for me, it is easy for me to put myself into such states (though sometimes hard to stay in them). It also makes it maybe ten times easier to interact with neurotypicals, because they are feeling what they consider a "positive attitude" and it makes them feel good. From my perspective it is simply a "positive state", regardless of how others take it. Wikipedia calls NLP a pseudoscience, but I know it works very well for me.

I tried the NLP approach recently and it went really well. It was at a restaurant dining social event where I met several new people. They were interacting with me as if I had no anxiety, as if I was "approachable". I never knew such things could be easy. NLP has given me a way to counteract anxiety and allow me to participate in and gain from social situations with neurotypicals. I already get along well with those on the spectrum, so that isn't an issue.

I hope others can relate to the above on some level.

I try to start with a bit of dry humor. If I can get them to chuckle things often go easier afterwards.

Positive state is easier for me when there's no negative emotions for me to contend with in the first place.

And there were and will have times I'm in an even higher states that practically screams charm.

But yeah.

Except mine is mostly on a whim than deliberate behaviors, modifying tone and body language. Let alone with summon positive states.
Depends if I'm really in a mood for it because my social drive is dictated by my own level of boredom than anything else.

I don't have a real social drive to even try and pretend or the motivation to try and summon positive states and be at a socially ideal state to be socially approachable.

While I can personally verify it's effects, I don't think I also can personally afford this method either.

Not with the way of how my emotionality and my subconscious most of all it setup to be; (i.e. due to experiencing loud and chronic negative interoceptive sensations that no amount of positive imaginary or real setting can counteract let alone override it, or how imaging flattering scenarios would just remind me of maladaptive daydreaming and it's dissociative states instead of making others feel happy by appearing positive or how even positive remarks while trying to feel good are registered as disruptive interruptions while at it instead of any more feel good).

Possibly the way how my neurology even works. (I.e. how said mantras would induce me denial and invalidation instead of motivation; like I need something else entirely and not even from my language centers.)

Since that's my reaction to those methods (I dealt with too many people who kept telling me to go to my happy place, believes and me more and never manages to convince me, ever, and using my words; I hate words) I ended up making to with others perception than convincing them.

So I don't know.
Anything themed as 'positive' just do not work with me. I already got countless people telling me that, and they made it worse.

I need something else entirely...

For me to afford that method, I would have to actually master emotions; which is my on going aim on top of already being able to take and make do of any external reactions from other people.

Not to socialize, but to be freer.
And it themes around not positivity (because it never helped me counter toxicity, process my emotions or anything other than distracting me), but something to do with how one is taking the negative; like bravery and courage towards fear, or true conscience and humility towards the reactive ego, being present and clarity under pressure...

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I really appreciate your response. There is so much in here that I can relate to on many levels.

I had a real challenge expressing myself on these topics because I thought it might come across as "thinking positive" in a neurotypical pop-psych way. I hate words as well - that's why I discarded that approach.

My main motivation in "state management" is to allow me to interact with whom I want to interact with, in situations I want to be in, but never trying to convince anyone of anything get their approval or be what they want to be. It really doesn't concern me whether they think I am "nice", etc. I am seeking new methods, optimizing "state management" as the best tool I know of at the moment. Otherwise I act out of the negative worldview that I took on in my childhood surroundings - where nobody understood my autistic brain.

What you said here is very important for me and for all who visit this site. I hope you don't mind that I quote you.

"I need something else entirely... For me to afford that method, I would have to actually master emotions; which is my on going aim on top of already being able to take and make do of any external reactions from other people."

* That is one of my key lifelong goals: "mastering emotions". Thanks for putting it in words.

"Not to socialize, but to be freer. And it themes around not positivity (because it never helped me counter toxicity, process my emotions or anything other than distracting me), but something to do with how one is taking the negative; like bravery and courage towards fear, or true conscience and humility towards the reactive ego, being present and clarity under pressure..."

* there is so much in this last sentence. I am going to have to think it through for a while. Thanks again.

I can't really add anything to what's been said above.
I use all these techniques to create, maintain and ease social interactions.
I have an innate advantage with being somewhat extroverted, and an even better advantage by being so much taller than those around me. Toxic people tend to suppress that when I'm around.
(Really?... You want to piss off the guy holding the rocket launcher?)

Having said that...it doesn't mean I know how to keep friends.
Like the Silence in Doctor Who, most people are only aware of my existence while they're looking straight at me.
I'm a non-persistent repeating phantasm.
(Kind of fits with me calling us "spectrals")

Glad you could relate: "I use all these techniques to create, maintain and ease social interactions."
I can also relate: "it doesn't mean I know how to keep friends."

I am also always looking for new strategies.

My main options for "social gatherings" that involve mostly neurotypicals and which concern an area of interest
* don't go (but I am trying to get away from this default approach as I have isolated for decades)
* fake it (run a "positive" verbal mantra in my head, etc. I never was for the "push button smile" and the false "positive guy" personality - I refuse to do the verbal stuff anymore and I never did the phonier superficial stuff)
* arrive in my default state (INTJ owl in the background observing people like they are in a movie, interpreting what they mean, not revealing anything about myself); I am comfortable there, but my default state is fear and anxiety as well - and people can read me like a book. People react negatively to my default anxious state, so I end up at social ground zero for years
* put myself in a state where I actually feel good (then if I laugh or smile, etc. - they will be real); this is what I'm focusing on right now; it doesn't involve visualization or imagery or words. It involves calling forth the emotional state I want, then holding it there; at this moment, this is the best approach I have for the social goals I have; at least it seems to be the best approach for me among neurotypicals - who seems to thrive around such energy (but, of course, their reactions aren't my concern - but it is a nice side benefit)

My goals: actually interacting with people, in a state where I feel good, and keeping myself in that state so I can get the most out of the situation
How do I know it was effective for me: I leave feeling great - which is what happened for me at an event I went to last weekend.