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Rotting and decomposing

As of last year, on days off work, started needing to take a one hour nap, two hours after waking up

As of three years ago, started needing to take between two and four different bowel movements between breakfast and lunch, not just one. Literally tied to the litterbox.

My dumpster fire "job" involves lifting appliances like litterboxes and I have been quickly getting much weaker and was never strong to begin with. Physically or emotionally. Pretty soon will be too physically weak to load litterboxes s**t. Literally

Back pain

Brain fog

Walking slower and takes too much energy

Emotional overeating

Have to start eating less. Metabolism plummeting due to aging

s**t

Screwed for "life".

every slightest movement feels physically weak, slow, stiff, sore. s**t.

even sitting in front of the computer typing, seems to take too much energy. would rather lie down.

catatonic
dementia
alzheimer's
osteoporosis
arthritis
decomposing
rotting
aging

exhausted all the time

told primary care doctor, and she said that it could be b/c i am 41 years old and old. (she's only 36 and the gastroenterologist is only 32.)

paranoid that i have one or more medical conditions that cause physical weakness and other stupdiass forms of BS.

maybe the doctor's too lazy to do paperwork to order medical tests. (i do not know).

i just feel so overpowered and overwhelmed all the time.

today i applied for a jury duty exemption and it seemed to take a lot more time and energy than usual. feel so f*****g academically stupid and s**t

brainfog

You too? I thought it was only me. My sleep has deteriorated with age. I wake up after about six hours, and lie in bed hoping to fall back asleep. But then I start thinking about work and the stress level rises.



I drink strong coffee in the morning, then walk around the living room. Coffee accelerates all the digestive processes. Then I eat breakfast, and that is a trigger. Usually I have to go to the bathroom about 2-3 times in a single morning, but I get it all done before work, because at work there is not much privacy. People can see whose shoes are sitting there in the stall. So my #1 goal every day is always finishing #2 before work.



I felt the exact same way this morning. My job is getting to be much more physical, involving lifting and carrying and manual dexterity. I have the distinct impression that my bosses would prefer a much younger person, someone with a lot of physical energy and vitality. There is just an incredible amount of work coming in, and I struggle to do it all. I find it difficult to keep up with all of the different things that pop up on a daily basis. No sooner do I begin one thing than the phone rings and another priority arises.

So, I wake up each and every morning, wondering whether today will be my last day on the job. I perceive that I have become unpopular and have been criticized for my shortcomings. The things I do well get buried, the things I do poorly get remembered. That is just the way that people are, it is the way any organization works. I understand it and just find myself on the negative side of the process at this moment in time. But not for long. My plan is to retire early. Next year, in fact.

I do not plan to continue with health insurance. It is expensive. If my health ever takes a turn for the worse, then I will find some way to embrace oblivion. I think that oblivion is underrated and misunderstood and rather sympathize with it from that perspective. I would like to read books, watch good movies, and play computer games until health fails. At my recent check-up, I got a good report from my doctor, so things seem all right physically.

It does not really matter so much where I live, as long as the crime rate is low and they have electricity and grocery stores. Internet is optional too. I am studying various locations and wondering what life might be like in different towns, different states. I have traveled so little in my life compared to a lot of people that have been to Europe, Asia.