People saying "no, you're just confused" when disclosing ASD

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When you've disclosed your ASD to someone that you're connected to in some way, have they responded with something like "No, no, I don't think you really are...you're just confused, that's all."


When I hear crap like this, it just makes me wanna scream. I know that gay people got this same dismissive remark when they'd "come out" in the past.

It pisses me off b/c to me it comes off as selfish. Let me explain: I find that when somebody says this, they're putting a higher priority on THEIR perverse need to preserve their own world-view, i.e. that people with stigmatized conditions and challenges like ours should be swept under the rug - as opposed to acknowledging OUR needs to be heard and understood.

I suppose you could respond to their patronizing reply with a question i.e. "WHY do you think I'm confused? Could you elaborate on that?" But then you probably wouldn't get an honest answer...

sigh, gaslighting at its finest!

There is a reaction on the right, e.g. Foamy the Squirrel on youtube, against ASD and HFA. Their view is that people are using the label as an excuse for bad and anti-social behavior. They want no excuses, and for people to own up to their mistakes and not just say "Well, I'm handicapped because I have XYZ."

I don't use the label as an excuse and don't tell other people about it in general unless I feel they are close to me. However, even then, I think it is detrimental to relationships. I don't think that other people want to understand or help their friends. I think what they will more likely do is abandon and betray, if they calculate that you are weak or different in any way. People don't help with other's problems, they have enough problems of their own to deal with.

It is probably best to accept one's own Autism, and communicate with other autistics, but keep it secret from the rest of the world. Do not tell your employer. Do not tell your girlfriend or boyfriend. Do not tell anyone, but just make your own adaptations as needed.

Hehe. I've got to admit, I'd never heard of "Foamy the Squirrel", and had to search him on YouTube... I got a laugh our of his incisive commentary on laws to protect stupid people e.g. seatbelts, helmets, don't misuse super-glue... and his video on bullies. However, I didn't find anything relating to Foamy and autism or learning disabilities.

Well, on thinking of further exchanges to this type of "denial dialogue"... you know how the NT formula is supposed to be something like 7% of meaning (in socio-emotional communication) is in the words, then 33% tone, then the remaining 60% is the facial expressions / posture / gestures etc....? Well, think of how that plays out when you literally rebut that NT person's denial of your ASD:

THEM: (appearing uncomfortable, drawing out their words, e.g. "well, uh...I I I don't think you really have it (face shows growing discomfort due to taboo topic of mental disorders), you're just confused."

YOU: "Um, well... no, no, I'm not confused at all; I was diagnosed by a trained medical professional, and all the signs and symptoms line up with what I've got; they describe my experience to a tee."

THEM: Uhhh...errm...(continuing to look awkward or not sure how to react)... well, I'm not sure what to tell you then...

PEER onlooker (NT) to you: "Hey, when somebody's reacting that way to you telling us about your 'disorder', it's a cue to stop talking about it, it makes people feel uncomfortable to talk about stuff like that."
(Basically, they're "NT-splaining" proper social convention to you)

Just another way in which feelings and social lubricant are more important than FACTS to NTs
But just gotta love the irony in this sort of exchange!!

For me, it just makes me feel incredibly lonely, as it’s a reminder that people in general don’t understand my inner experience. It’s a sad, empty feeling when people cant see you for who you really are, and just judge what’s on the surface.

I think if the person saying “you’re not autistic” could step into my shoes for a day, they would quickly realise that they judged too soon.

A formal diagnosis could counteract the "No, You're Just Confused" assertion.

Well, you would hope, for some people...and I believe it could; but some folks are just plain obtuse

Like I said, they don't want their precious worldview affronted, that folks like us who are "socio-emotionally handicapped" don't really exist. They're really saying, "I want you to be more like me, so that I can like you."

Or, they might know a bit about the spectrum, and so they might cherry-pick attributes that aren't as manifested in you such as making eye contact and not interrupting with non-sequiturs (e.g. "I know this guy who had autism, and he did those things, but you don't...) then basically disregarding other struggles that still manifest e.g. asking to clarify non-verbal nuance more often, or having awkward coordination, etc.

I don't expect understanding or empathy from others and am surprised whenever it happens.

When people, e.g. out at work, get annoyed with me for one reason or another, quite often I may not even know the reason, or know much about it. I pretend I am unaware of their annoyance. I pretend like it does not exist. I just help them anyway, or at least be polite to them, and in time, their annoyance subsides. This happens rather quickly, often. You meet their fire with water.

They have other problems, other annoyances to deal with. If you can at least present as a minor or a temporary annoyance, then they will be inclined to leave you alone. That is the ultimate goal, to be left alone and not mistreated.

Don't ever confide in others your problems, is my advice as a good general rule. Other people are constantly reevaluating to determine whether you are or may be worthy of their attention.