Nervous energy but today was "As Good as it Gets"

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Too much nervous energy and want to emotionally overeat

But today was "As Good as it Gets":

Slept fine
Bowel movements not that bad
Perfect weather
Zero loading
Nobody bothered me today
Tattle tale tom absent
Buses came quickly
Zero physical pain and zero symptoms


Nervous energy even though, usually around 8 to 9am exhausted. On the bus to work or at work.

Not going to be able to work much longer. Exhausted all the time. A couple of years ago an extremely fat dude named Adam worked there and he could barely walk but he was a lot attendant. Could not imagine what kind of diseases and physical pain he had. My worthless corpse deteriorating decomposing and rotting and only 41 years old, 115#.

Plenty of precious lil "people" much fatter than me, work two full time jobs, standing up. Restaurant retail sales. Manual labor, childcare. Unskilled labor. How do they do it?

Heart feels like it can't be at as fast as when I was younger

From time to time I've seeing other girls with anorexia syndrome, although it's celiac.... So at my age trying to reprogram my negative self image is useless. I avoid skirts as people stare at me, I look sick. Pants helps me to appear in public and do what I have to, for a while I disguise my self hatred. When it's really hot and I can't hide behind a jacket, I feel like I have chicken wings as arms....try not focus on this too much or I'll go crazy. I think it's the ADHD that I see people's reactions so clearly, and then autism in that I can't understand a thread where people trying to read body language.... So say stupid thing like just ask.

I've being thinking a while how numb or dead my feelings are, how I got welcomed when first arrived but sometimes I felt small connection to autistic people I chatted with on support group. Mostly my alexythemia is mode most of the time, even when it's a serious discussion. I don't think I reach anyone.

Managed to find moment with ADHD who struggled to bond with her kids due to disability, but it wasn't a reply, it was just like hey, look what I found I'm not alone. Last few weeks my boy is really withdrawing from life, I feel bad. Every time I try talk, be sympathetic he is unresponsive. I was always there, but in my head, I did my mom's job but so rare that I feel a connection. It eating me up inside.

Standing on job is difficult the last few years, my vericose vein send shooting pains on inside of my legs, sitting Cross legged for too long is cramps, luckily I work from home so I'm able to sit then stand and be free or I'd realise more and more how bad my health is declining.

I'm battling manic depression at the moment, even music isn't helping, the more I block out the pain the more dead I feel.....I've being suicidal for a while but hang in for my children, struggling, suffering
Not sure if others will care for them when I'm gone, feeling it's unacceptable to say I wish never had kids, but not knowing how to tell people in real life, reason why.