Big problems with my autistic son - any advice?

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My son is 20 and has just started university. Me and my husband help him with groceries and laundry whilst he settles in, but he is having problems and is very angry, frustrated and somewhat depressed.

Main Problems:

Can't make friends.
Suspicious and critical of others.
Gives me and his dad the silent treatment. We don't even know if he's safe at times.
Accuses us of making things worse and comes across like he despises us.
Harbours grudges against people and refuses to talk to them.
Won't tolerate even gentle criticism or suggestions that he might be wrong.
Refuses any advice.
Refuses counselling.
Has low self esteem.
Has low resilience.
Has low confidence.
Says he hates his life as he has no friends, but then falls out with people and won't forgive them even minor errors.

My husband never held him accountable when he was young and he did mollycoddle him. I did try to parent him more realistically, but my husband blocked my efforts to do so. I feel that our son is somewhat spoiled as a result.

Is this usual autistic behaviour? I'm autistic myself, but I wouldn't dream of doing the silent treatment or treating anyone with contempt. He is so harsh, whereas I always try to be polite and agreeable. I know he's somewhat distressed, but it's awful to be like this with a family member. We're trying so hard to help him, but he won't try to improve his situation.

I'm in the UK and we don't have access to proper therapy or help. There is a counsellor at his university, but he refuses help. He is on antidepressants which need changing, but he won't see the doctor either.

Any advice please? I don't know how much of this is his autism and how much is mental illness.

Not being a parent I have no advice.

But I love your avatar.
It would be better still if it jumped off the page

Yes, a lot of that is pretty common among people with autism, although a lot of it isn't directly due to autism.

I can understand why you are trying to encourage him to do things which you think might help. You are trying to be helpful and supportive. As you say, it isn't working. May I suggest that you perhaps stop suggesting what he "should" do; focus instead on his strengths, and what he has already achieved. Reassure him that you are there for him to talk but only if and when he wants to; he's putting up barriers for a reason - and the reason may be past rejection, trauma, bullying, things you may not know about, which underlay his fragile self esteem. What is his most prominent strength or talent? That might be the doorway to his entry into a group where he experiences a sense of acceptance and belonging. What is he good at and confident about? Somehow, he needs to find a "tribe" which fulfils his need to connect.

That sounds like me when I was 20. I hope things start to improve for you.

This is just a rough time for young autists. Keep helping with the executive stuff. He will straight up not be able to handle things like groceries and laundry if he's dealing with social things and also getting into the groove of his academics. He is more likely to stay in University if you help with these things.

Does he have a "bro" like relationship with his dad? If so, maybe they could do something special together and your son might confide in him a little more. I suggest both of you try to hold back on advice, even when it's painfully needed. Sometimes you just have to wait for him to ask you for it.

Keep in mind that autistic people tend to have less friendships over the course of their lives than non-autistic people, but the friendships they do have are more permanent ones. So it's a quality over quantity deal.

Just dig in and keep doing what you're doing overall. He'll be okay.

You might not be able to "tell" him anything, but you might engage him by questioning. If you can get him to respond to questions such as asking what strategies he plans on using to address the problems he sees, you might begin to draw him into a perspective where he sees things in terms of what he might be able to do. It can be tempting to want to "tell" someone what to do, but that may just cause him to avoid the person that makes him so uncomfortable.