Abused Because of Asperger's?

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I know that this is a heavy subject for some people to respond to. But answering a question in a different thread triggered some bad memories. My Mom, sadly, seemed to hate me for whatever reason since before memory. She would only yell at me, and my Father, I suppose, but not my older brothers. She found fault with everything I tried, even if my performance was objectively superior to my (average) brothers. With an unstable foundation at home, I had a strike against me in the outer world. Growing up, I felt totally alone in the world. My family all seemed to run on a different frequency; they were ok to each other, mostly, but Ice-cold to me.

The Outside world was more of the same. I was an immigrant in a bad inner city (Baltimore) whose clothing was second-hand, and whose voice was typically Robo-Aspie. I wore THICK glasses, and my hygiene was admittedly not always the best. For whatever reason, nobody wanted to bond with me

People stared at me, laughed at me, sometimes attacked me. Then I'd go home to either ice-cold treatment, or red-hot (angry Mom; more physical abuse). I felt like God Herself hated me some days. That I was born to suffer and be treated like sh_t. I felt that I was at best tolerated, but that I was a cosmic fluke. A mistake, as my Mom helpfully put it.

Can anyone else relate to any of this? If not, I suppose I am alone again on that Island.

I have always wondered if my father was more abusive to me because I had Aspergers or maybe he was just a fxxked up person. When I look back I realized he saw me more of a nuisance and felt ashamed of me. He didn't rationalize that my genes were from him. I too had a monotone voice.

Many people marry and have a sort of Hallmark expectation of family life and children. When you consider that we are all born ignorant, selfish, and helpless, it is curious how strong these expectations can be. I would consider this to be an average level of parental disappointment.

I suspect that my Aspergers, with its stronger inner life, resulted in a child even more disappointing in demonstrating expected affection. This I would expect to extend a normal level of disappointment. In my case both parents were alcoholic. I suspect that they had expectations of what family life would be and were unable to cope with reality. In a way I fault their parents for failing to raise them to live in the real world rather than expect some cartoon version of real life, however, they didn't know themselves either.

There is a free pdf booklet about family life written from a Christian point of view, but still has value in describing some of the challenges of modern family life, " The Traditional Christian's guide to the Family in Modern Times"

http://christianpioneer.com/ebooks/traditional.pdf

Considering the times we live in with such a heavy emphasis on entertainment, people can have such unrealistic expectations that the reality of children, especially ones with Aspergers, can be a real disappointment.

Why the heck do I blame my condition, whatever that might be -- especially as a child, for someone else's -- an adult who should know better -- their own unenlightened, intolerance, immaturity, reactive ignorant actions?



I'd say I'm "abused" because my parents are emotionally immature ignorant parents.

At worst, they're both parentified because of domestic issues.
Thinking I could do it too, having the same developmental expectations, because stupid intergenerational subconsicous think it's still the 1970s.

Thankfully both households did not came from that high standard toxic zealous household, else I'd get the same conclusions that it's because "I'm autistic; I deserved to be abused for my failures for not being neurotypical enough".


It'll be very different had they had me over a decade/s later instead of the 1990s.

I watched my own parents mature and eventually knew better, than to keep ignorantly expect that my life runs on the same pace as they do.

Still, it's screwups still something I have to undo because of early years screw up.

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I relate to this, I am familiar with the phenomena of being taken advantage of one way or the other. I think that our social deficits lead to isolation. All the NTs are competing with each other in the social arena--and some NTs also have a tough time with it, too--but what's an aspie to do in that arena? What I often experience is related to pecking order, someone wanting to assert that they are higher up in the social hierarchy. It is part of the NT's identity and they are constantly on the look out for any threat to that.

On the plus side, while I used to be sensitive as a young person, I have gotten less so through repeated traumas and learned how to avoid letting trauma paralyze me or render me ineffective. Trauma can be damaging to the ego, but what is ego anyway? Nothing that is needed, it is more of an obstacle than anything else.

Back when the OP was growing up and especially when his parents grew up there was little knowledge of Autism. Aspie traits were viewed as character flaws. If an adult was not married or had a steady career they were viewed as a f**k up who brought shame to “normal” members of the family. If you were a “f**k up” it was often assumed the fault was that the parents were too permissive. The obvious solution was to be harsh. Parents have their own problems so disciplinary measures became a way to release frustration. The combination often results in abuse.

The OP’s parents are probably in their 70’s and probably have still have the old mindset about parenting.

Yeah, I was bullied and picked on in school and my parents told me it really wasn't happening. They would shame me for not being more social. Back then no one knew about Aspergers and you were just seen as being a screwup. They had their own issues, I guess. I have never been super popular but have been able to make some friends.

Trigger Wsrning:
Yes..gaslighting...about the actual stuff happening in a familial situation...is a old one used by family to ignore the criminal behaviour put upon some/ many disabled people , regardless of type of disability . Easier to make it look good to people on the outside , if they can gaslight anyone making any inquireys.....Kept telling me that every family was like this , Repeated beating by siblings and parents. Constant fabrications by older siblings of misdeeds that never happened . That suddenly were blamed on me. Locked in small closets for untold hours . By my parents due to these unreal misdeeds. belts & metal coat hangers , as weapons of choice for discipline. The accusations had no base in reality to be applied to me. The teacherof my second grade class had "no clue" . When I broke out in tears hysterically midway through the class . Because , of not getting any breakfast ,I ate my tiny snack of food early because I was hungry .
When she told the class to take out their snacks and I had none left . Absolutely noone to console me at that point in time.Was fearful of unknown reprocussions from the teacher.Had seen what my parents did to me when I did not follow instructions. Noone noticed me eating my cardboard Pee Chee folders . That held my class work . but they tasted better than the lined paper. Entire time my second oldest sibling is telling me its normal in families for this to go on. Oddly enough, upon repeated observation, did not bear this out to be true ,when meeting neighbour families of various descents .And their children . All the time am being told how Gawd loves his children ,especially if your good and respectful of your elders .( anyone older than you) .. ...Making me the perfect Patsy .