How Do You Know You Are Autistic?

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I actually have this all written out on a note card in my notebook. Here goes:

1. Aversion to eye contact
2. Aversion to loud noises
3. Difficulty or inability to have a conversation
4. Difficulty or inability to end a conversation
5. Aversion to touch/hyper awareness of personal space
6. Enjoy being alone
7. Intense, focused interests
8. Enjoy precisely lining up and looking at my collections and precisely lining up the bins at work
9. Oblivious to social cues
10. Only want to talk about my interests
11. Inability to “put myself in others’ shoes”
12. Don’t understand the concept of other people liking me.
13. Aversion or fear of social interaction
14. Terrified of calling someone on the phone
15. Terrified of asking a salesperson for help
16. Need directness, no nuance, hints, cryptic words etc…
17. Difficulty multitasking
18. Easily distracted/hard to get back on task
19. Need order, structure, clear rules and expectations
20. Often don’t get jokes and don’t understand when or why I am being made fun of.

There’s probably more that I don’t see yet. These are just words in a list, but putting them together in my lived experience makes up who I am.

Before I was assessed, I just knew I'm different at age 8. But no labels; I'm outside the USA, not even in the capital region and it was the 2000s.
If it weren't for the pent up unwanted negative emotions at age 6, I would've not only just embrace the fact but double down it.

Before I was assessed I already have that label at the age 10.
I didn't understand why because no one mentioned that there is such thing as autism with low IQ and high support needs.

And I'm probably the first person in my city who is officially diagnosed with Aspergers. That was 4+ years after, and because I cannot seem to outgrow the unwanted emotionality.

But if I look at the label, compare it to other autistics -- it's more like I'm a so-called HFA that can pass for an aspie.


And if I look at my experiences and circumstances, I can relate to many daily living experiences related to the senses and the mind.

That yes, this is not how people perceived it. That yes, super focus is my default.
That yes, I'm just as literal. That yes, I'm as easily stressed or burnt out.
That yes, things that can bother me yet others don't and vice versa... That yes, I wanted order and everything to make sense.

That yes, I'm neurodivergent.


But not related to emotions and socialization which was more often talked about -- despite having the same starting point or symptoms, I have a very different reaction, different choices, different approaches, different priorities...

Like; most autistics feel lonely, wanting a friend, wanting to be included, etc. I don't -- I want to be free and I see certain forms of inclusion as restricting.
Like they have to accept they're different, have limitations, etc. I never need to do that, I want to stand out more, I want to do way better.

That no, I don't mask and associate passing as safe.
That no, I don't feel humiliated playing clown because I can turn over the whole thing.
That no, while every social learning to me is just as manual -- I have a very different take of what being social means.

That, no, I'm not mentally ill in reaction to neurodivergence.

And the closest thing I had for mental illness even had nothing to do with me being autistic.


While I have no doubts that I'm diagnosed correctly...
... I'd probably fail to self diagnose if I wasn't.

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Have suspected it on and off for years now. It’s a possibility. Of course this isn’t a certainty but the lack of social life and skills is a big sign. Also the tactile sensitivity.

I alays knew I was neurodiverse since I spent my early childhood in special education schools for what are now termed children with learning disabilities (Or Intellectual disabilities in the US) because the GP misdiagnosed me as having brain damage due to inappropriate or overprescription of benzodiazepines as a baby since I am 58 years old and the doctor recommended institutionalisation. At the first special needs school, Wakefield Lodge, I done ABA which caused me to get epilepsy with my first seizure in May 1974. That was a month after my family put demands on me exceeding my emotional intelligence. Much later on when I was at a work placement staff there were gaslighting me about my epilepsy of which I told my consultant neurologist about and I told him I was going to change my antiepilepsy medicine to cannabis of which I did. I noticed things about myself and other things like there weren't much colour to my aura or even monochrome which I saw when I had the Afghani gold seal hash joint and the fact I saw that also bad visuals when I was in the presence of people having a seriuos argument or fight which was a form of synaesthesia which I put to autism/Asperger syndrome. That is how I made my self diagnosis back in 1992. My autism/Asperger syndrome self diagnosis from 1992 was confirmed as correct by a clinical psychologist in Cambridge from something called by the acronym CLASS (Cabridge Lifespan Asperger Syndrome Service) back in June 2003. I never thought I was neurotypical at all there wasn't the choice. When I was younger I did get on better with people with learning disability type 2 than I did with neurotypical/high functioning allistics due to no mutual frame of reference and emotional intelligence. The cannabis use gave me epileptic remission which is good and also allowed me to let go of the internalised ableism that my mum encouraged. If I was middle class or upper class then I would have likely been thought of as neurotypical until proven otherwise with no special school places or referral for institutionalisation in 1966-67. Classism there