thanksgiving alone

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One restaurant in a nearby town offers a free community Thanksgiving meal. If I didn't have a family meal to go to, I would likely have gone to this.

Normally, I don't enjoy Thanksgiving much at all. Today's turned out pretty good, though. During the meal itself, I sat next to a relative who had been in an airplane crash earlier this year and had suffered extensive burns that put him a burn hospital for quite a while. This had been my first real chance to talk to him since he got out of the hospital.

Then, after the meal, I spent the afternoon talking an elderly relative who was a graduate of a military academy during the Korean War and later a college professor. He is always interesting to talk to, but he is definitely going downhill. He cannot drive anymore, but unlike many, he accepts that fact and doesn't insist on driving.

Our conversation was a bit odd this time because he has anthropomorphized the Earth (Mother Earth) and thinks that there are too many people on Earth for Mother Earth to support -- we are running out of resources. He doesn't understand that we are able to adapt to a changing environment and thinks that the ideal time on Earth was about a hundred years ago.

I spent Thanksgiving alone watching tv and crying today. I ate oatmeal. I did not or speak speak to anyone. Christmas and my birthday will most likely be a repeat of today.

Using DBT for Depression and Thanksgiving Loneliness
1. MINDFULNESS: STAY PRESENT
Mindfulness helps you focus on the present moment rather than ruminating about the past or worrying about the future.

Practice:
- Observe: Pay attention to your surroundings, such as the colors of fall leaves, the scent of seasonal food, or the texture of your sweater.
- Describe: Use words to label what you observe (e.g., "I feel a tightness in my chest" or "The air smells like baked pie").
- Participate: Fully engage in a task like preparing a meal or watching a movie, without multitasking.

2. EMOTION REGULATION: MANAGE SADNESS
Emotion regulation skills help you understand and navigate your emotions.

Steps:
- Check the Facts: Ask yourself if your feelings match the reality of the situation. For example, "Am I truly alone, or are there people I could connect with?"
- Opposite Action: Act opposite to the emotion you want to change. If you feel like isolating, consider calling a friend, volunteering, or attending a virtual event.
- Build Mastery: Engage in a task that gives you a sense of accomplishment, like baking, cleaning, or crafting.

3. DISTRESS TOLERANCE: COPE WITH ACUTE PAIN
Distress tolerance helps you survive moments of intense emotional pain.

Tools:
- TIPP:
- Temperature: Hold an ice pack or splash cold water on your face.
- Intense Exercise: Do jumping jacks, take a brisk walk, or dance.
- Paced Breathing: Inhale for 4 seconds, hold for 4, exhale for 6.
- Paired Muscle Relaxation: Tense and relax your muscles while breathing deeply.
- Self-Soothe with Senses: Light a candle, play soothing music, wrap yourself in a soft blanket, or drink hot tea.
- Radical Acceptance: Acknowledge the reality of your situation without judgment. Example: "I feel lonely this Thanksgiving, and that's okay. This feeling will pass."

4. INTERPERSONAL EFFECTIVENESS: CONNECT WITH OTHERS
Even if you're physically alone, you can use DBT skills to build or maintain connections.

Strategies:
- DEAR MAN:
- Describe: "I’m feeling lonely this holiday."
- Express: "I’d like to connect with someone."
- Assert: "Can we talk for a while or share a meal virtually?"
- Reinforce: "It would mean a lot to me and help me feel less alone."
- FAST:
- Be Fair to yourself and others.
- Don’t Apologize excessively or for your feelings.
- Stick to Your Values, even if others disagree.
- Be Truthful about what you need and feel.

5. CREATE A PERSONALIZED THANKSGIVING RITUAL
Adapt DBT skills into meaningful traditions:
- Gratitude List: Each day, write three things you’re thankful for.
- Mindful Eating: Savor every bite of your holiday meal, paying attention to taste, texture, and aroma.
- Acts of Kindness: Volunteer at a local shelter, donate to a food bank, or send thoughtful messages to loved ones.

6. DBT JOURNALING FOR THANKSGIVING LONELINESS
Combine DBT skills into a journaling practice:
- Mindfulness: Write about your present experience without judgment.
- Emotion Regulation: Identify and challenge negative thoughts.
- Distress Tolerance: List activities that help you feel calm or grounded.
- Interpersonal Effectiveness: Plan how to reach out to someone or improve a relationship.

IF YOU FEEL OVERWHELMED
- Use TIPP or self-soothing techniques to regain emotional stability.
- Practice Radical Acceptance: Accept that it’s okay to feel lonely or sad; these feelings don’t define you or last forever.
- Consider reaching out to a crisis hotline or therapist if your emotions become too difficult to manage.

Hi Skibum,

I’m so sorry to hear how hard Thanksgiving was for you. Spending the day alone and feeling this way is incredibly tough, and your sadness is completely valid.

Thank you for sharing this - it takes a lot of courage. You’re not alone in feeling this way, even if it might seem like it. If you’d like, we can talk about ways to make Christmas or your birthday feel a little brighter, even in small ways.

You matter, and I’m glad you’re here.

Take care,
Fenn

Thank you so much. That really means a lot.

Sending good thoughts and wishes to you.

Thank you so much friend, and to you as well.

This is a late reply but I also recommend volunteering. I did it and made my sons do it. We work at the mall every year before the holidays to help local charities, and help at the farmer's market in summer. I've met so many nice people.

You can also try taking some hobby classes. I was so depressed at one point I just went to the community center and signed up for whatever was available. I got into a jewelry making class and a wood carving class. They cost less than one session with a therapist, and brought so much joy into my life even though I never thought I would like those. Most aspies need hobbies (and maybe obsessions) to be happy. Get out of your comfort zone and do something, anything can bring on change.

My mom once dragged a sickly and depressed friend (who had cancer) to a dance class. She was eventually addicted to dancing and went on to learn all sorts of styles and joined competitions. It's been 20 years and she's fit and well. Don't always say no when life brings opportunities.

Short Fat, I'm sorry to hear about your lonely Thanksgiving. I do think these things matter. Maybe more so in middle age and older than before.

My in laws house used to be full of close and extended family. This past Thanksgiving it was just me, my husband, our son, and my in laws, who at this point have significant health issues. I don't know why my brothers and sisters in law couldn't be bothered to come. We had a good time with the few of us there. I would have liked to see the others, though, especially the kids. I know it hurt my mother in law's feelings that people didn't show.