Lack of confidence and how to regain it

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It's been a recent revelation that confidence is a byproduct of success and can be a reflection of how people treat you. The call to tell someone, "just be confident, bro" can have negative implications based on false promises because our brains have a record of previous attempts and rejections in both social situations and dating opportunities.

The way to build confidence is to have a legible track record of accomplishments in terms of academics, looks, social status, talent, etc. Trying to hack your brain into being more confident isn't going to build a solid ground that lasts in social situations.

Don't know if anyone has advice for this issue or if it's over.

One thing that has helped me is paying a bit of attention to how I look. After years of kitchen jobs that trashed clothes I finally landed a job where I can dress how I want to, and discovering that I do have a personal style that I like and putting together cohesive "looks" has made a big difference in how I feel in when I'm out and about, especially when I can see the difference in how people treat me.

It's an interesting theory and one that rings true. I think if it's true that accomplishments build confidence, then it makes sense to take on a project and complete it successfully, or learn a new skill and then apply it, or just learn something new. Confidence may be called upon in social situations but it's not necessarily only built in social situations. Having any kind of accomplishment, even a small one, can increase confidence.

For me, I was obese (figuratively and literally) for most of my 20s. Even back in July, I did a DEXA scan assessment and it put me at 32% body fat. The ideal for a young male is 15-20%. Right now, I'd currently estimate myself at 25% and I have a photo of myself a month ago.

https://imgur.com/a/looks-progress-11-13-2024-Q4rE8g9

I've noticed some changes in how I'm perceived by others, not as much as expected, but still working. Last Tuesday, I got to see the same girl I met at Whataburger 3 weeks ago from our church's Tuesday young adult meetup and our conversation was easy and vibrant. So the way it started 3 weeks ago was I was walking to a table with friends, and she looked to her left and saw my face. 0.5 sec later, she smiled. I went back to get a small shake from the cashier. I caught her looking twice. Her glimpse, I look back, she turns away, repeat. I didn't have time to talk, that day, but last Tuesday when I called her name, she was enthusiastic and asked: "how was Thanksgiving?", "where's your family from", etc. I usually never get people asking questions about myself when I ask about them. Even the lame joke I told her got her laughing a lot. It was the following, "I helped an older gentleman cross the street to Joel Osteen's church, so I probably did more for him that day Osteen ever did".

So it was a great interaction, not necessarily a date. She was 21 and I just turned 30, so I didn't make a move, but I'm starting to find interactions easier, which should improve my confidence and mental health. Bottom line in dating, if someone finds you physically attractive, you have a sense of grace in your conversation that puts pressure off the need to perform, so you won't stutter or pause frequently. Look for the 'choosing signals' and don't approach someone for a date if they're not returning eye contact or just give one-word answers.