How Do You Know You Are Autistic?

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I actually have this all written out on a note card in my notebook. Here goes:

1. Aversion to eye contact
2. Aversion to loud noises
3. Difficulty or inability to have a conversation
4. Difficulty or inability to end a conversation
5. Aversion to touch/hyper awareness of personal space
6. Enjoy being alone
7. Intense, focused interests
8. Enjoy precisely lining up and looking at my collections and precisely lining up the bins at work
9. Oblivious to social cues
10. Only want to talk about my interests
11. Inability to “put myself in others’ shoes”
12. Don’t understand the concept of other people liking me.
13. Aversion or fear of social interaction
14. Terrified of calling someone on the phone
15. Terrified of asking a salesperson for help
16. Need directness, no nuance, hints, cryptic words etc…
17. Difficulty multitasking
18. Easily distracted/hard to get back on task
19. Need order, structure, clear rules and expectations
20. Often don’t get jokes and don’t understand when or why I am being made fun of.

There’s probably more that I don’t see yet. These are just words in a list, but putting them together in my lived experience makes up who I am.

Before I was assessed, I just knew I'm different at age 8. But no labels; I'm outside the USA, not even in the capital region and it was the 2000s.
If it weren't for the pent up unwanted negative emotions at age 6, I would've not only just embrace the fact but double down it.

Before I was assessed I already have that label at the age 10.
I didn't understand why because no one mentioned that there is such thing as autism with low IQ and high support needs.

And I'm probably the first person in my city who is officially diagnosed with Aspergers. That was 4+ years after, and because I cannot seem to outgrow the unwanted emotionality.

But if I look at the label, compare it to other autistics -- it's more like I'm a so-called HFA that can pass for an aspie.


And if I look at my experiences and circumstances, I can relate to many daily living experiences related to the senses and the mind.

That yes, this is not how people perceived it. That yes, super focus is my default.
That yes, I'm just as literal. That yes, I'm as easily stressed or burnt out.
That yes, things that can bother me yet others don't and vice versa... That yes, I wanted order and everything to make sense.

That yes, I'm neurodivergent.


But not related to emotions and socialization which was more often talked about -- despite having the same starting point or symptoms, I have a very different reaction, different choices, different approaches, different priorities...

Like; most autistics feel lonely, wanting a friend, wanting to be included, etc. I don't -- I want to be free and I see certain forms of inclusion as restricting.
Like they have to accept they're different, have limitations, etc. I never need to do that, I want to stand out more, I want to do way better.

That no, I don't mask and associate passing as safe.
That no, I don't feel humiliated playing clown because I can turn over the whole thing.
That no, while every social learning to me is just as manual -- I have a very different take of what being social means.

That, no, I'm not mentally ill in reaction to neurodivergence.

And the closest thing I had for mental illness even had nothing to do with me being autistic.


While I have no doubts that I'm diagnosed correctly...
... I'd probably fail to self diagnose if I wasn't.

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Have suspected it on and off for years now. It’s a possibility. Of course this isn’t a certainty but the lack of social life and skills is a big sign. Also the tactile sensitivity.

I alays knew I was neurodiverse since I spent my early childhood in special education schools for what are now termed children with learning disabilities (Or Intellectual disabilities in the US) because the GP misdiagnosed me as having brain damage due to inappropriate or overprescription of benzodiazepines as a baby since I am 58 years old and the doctor recommended institutionalisation. At the first special needs school, Wakefield Lodge, I done ABA which caused me to get epilepsy with my first seizure in May 1974. That was a month after my family put demands on me exceeding my emotional intelligence. Much later on when I was at a work placement staff there were gaslighting me about my epilepsy of which I told my consultant neurologist about and I told him I was going to change my antiepilepsy medicine to cannabis of which I did. I noticed things about myself and other things like there weren't much colour to my aura or even monochrome which I saw when I had the Afghani gold seal hash joint and the fact I saw that also bad visuals when I was in the presence of people having a seriuos argument or fight which was a form of synaesthesia which I put to autism/Asperger syndrome. That is how I made my self diagnosis back in 1992. My autism/Asperger syndrome self diagnosis from 1992 was confirmed as correct by a clinical psychologist in Cambridge from something called by the acronym CLASS (Cabridge Lifespan Asperger Syndrome Service) back in June 2003. I never thought I was neurotypical at all there wasn't the choice. When I was younger I did get on better with people with learning disability type 2 than I did with neurotypical/high functioning allistics due to no mutual frame of reference and emotional intelligence. The cannabis use gave me epileptic remission which is good and also allowed me to let go of the internalised ableism that my mum encouraged. If I was middle class or upper class then I would have likely been thought of as neurotypical until proven otherwise with no special school places or referral for institutionalisation in 1966-67. Classism there

- Unusual and intense interests (having a troll doll collection and being intensely into 90s Disney movies)
- Avoiding eye contact
- Preferring practical clothing
- Preferring to do most things alone
- One-sided conversations
- Going to an empty room whenever at a party.
- Dislike of noisy, crowded places
- Saying inappropriate things and not realizing it until someone says so.
- Lack of caring about hygiene or physical appearance even as a teenager.
- Having to learn about human behavior and socializing through sources like reading or observation
- Often feeling like I'm from another planet
- Owning a number of small pets I found in the wild as a kid, like insects or tadpoles
- Hyperlexia
- Not learning to tie my shoes until I was around 9 or 10.
- Noticing small details and patterns.
- Being very uncomfortable or embarrassed doing certain things when other people were present, such as watching cartoons on TV when I was a teen and a young adult
- Excessive daydreaming
- Being hypersensitive to drugs and their side effects
- Being something of a hypochondriac
- Not getting the unwritten rules on how to socialize with others
- Poor gross motor skills (catching a ball, skipping rope, playing hopscotch)
- Dreams at night are often vivid and/or riddled with anxiety
- Black and white thinking
- Caring more about animals and fictional characters than I do about most real people
- Not wanting to go out, but feeling guilty if I stay home too much
- Feeling like a 10 year old stuck in an adult's body.

1. intense interests that can bring me into a manic state at times or become to intense they turn into addictions.
2. weird and unusual stims
3. constant need to stim
4. sensory overload
5. meltdowns
6. autistic burnout
7. zero awareness of how awkward I am until people tell me
8. really intense and debilitating RSD
9. feeling like an awkward failure of a person
10. socially anxious to clinical levels since age 14

I did not know. Being autistic would have been the absolute last thing I ever would've guessed. Never in a million years would I have ever thought so at all. No one has ever even mentioned it as being a possibility. I've seen psychiatrists and psychologists off and on for the last 30-years for other issues and not a single one ever suggested autism might be on the table.

However, within the first 10-minutes of meeting my girlfriend she asked me if I had autism. I thought she was joking. I brushed it off. Was she joking? Was she teasing me? Just a quirky sense of humour? Over the last few years though, I'll do something a certain way and she'll say that it is an autism thing. Whatever. Coincidence. Surely.

So a little while back, I'm doom scrolling Reddit. I keep seeing these memes I relate to. It's not a sub I follow. Something Reddit wants me to join. I checked out the sub and it's an Asperger's group. Great. So I immediately took seven online tests, for what those are worth, and the results varied from borderline autism, to mild autism, to autism. But, at the same time, half the questions were too vague or needed more context. There was no one to ask for clarification.

This led me to Google very specific personal idiosyncrasies of mine, and the results all came back as autism forums or websites, like this one. I don't understand the difference between a normal person just having several deep interests in things and autistic obsessions. Can a normal person not have an extensive collection of vintage capacitors, resistors, and transistors from the 1960s and 1970s? Can a normal person not have a small room in their house dedicated to recreating a toy store as a hobby? Can a normal person not collect Christmas nutcracker figures? Can a normal person not also collect Revere copper bottom cookware? Can a normal person not have an extensive spice cabinet? Like, where is the line drawn?

Since then I've taken what I assume are slightly more valid tests and they suggest varying degrees of autism. I've contacted all of the local autism places trying to get a formal diagnosis, but they either won't write me back, or say they aren't currently accepting new patients or doing evaluations at this time. It seems that if you're a child, then sure, come right in, get help and an evaluation immediately. But, if you're an adult and need help, it's like get out of here, we busy, try someone else, stop bothering us.

The label Autistic historically refers to one of those aspects of our psyches that determine our aptitudes and temperament (others you may have heard of are Manic, Paranoid, Depressive, along with the less well known Epileptoid and Hysteroid). The best available description is in Aaron Rosanoff's "A theory of personality based on clinical experience", published in the 1920s.

This was evaluated for a large population by Humm and Wadsworth (1935), whose Temperament Scale (I think; it might have been Gradient) was the basis for Chandler and Macleod's temperament and aptitude psychometric test, widely used by recruters, which I took myself in my twenties which pronounced me Autistic, and average in every other category. This was the first I knew of it.

C&M also produced a stripped down "Mickey Mouse version" the "five minute on line test" which was very popular on aspie sites, including this one.

This then went through a politically correct modification, changing the labels to Artist, for Autistic, Double guesser for Depressive, etc.

Leo Kanner borrowed from the historical meaning (as did Hans Asperger) when authoring the label Autism, and the kids he described fitted the bill, but this has now been shunted aside by autism "experts", and has become a hodge podge or unrelated issues for whom there is no demonstrated commonality, making the whole process a complete mess.

These same experts know the history (I kept pointing it out to dozens of them) but ignore it, preferring to debate whether "Being autistic" = "Having autism", which serves no purpose other than to muddy the waters. I am autistic, I do not have autism...

So , even if you have obvious difficulties . If you are born into a family that was not quite middle class financially .
And there are several children. The one with the most dramatic issues usually takes priority for the parents .
Like having a non- verbal sister . And then you add that the rest of the siblings that were male all demostrated distinct psychopathy issues IMHO as demostrated by repeated observations .So consequently anybody that was even slightly better was not given attention regarding education or development . So not having friends , and time spent hiding under the house,and inside the garden hedge. Pretty much went completely un noticed . Seems it was important ,from these peoples actions seemed very much like I was being taught to "hate " but I was not very aware of any emotions .
So think it upset them, that I did not understand hate . Except it appeared to have been used to victimize me and my sister..
So realizing,I was better off than my sister, never occurred to me to get a diagnoses. Obviously neither did the repeated psyche people ,I saw over the years and years trying to get a handle on the intangible .Brain kept getting interrupted by traumatic stuff.. As I became much older, I started to connect the dots . Eventually found a Psyche doc, whom specialized in Autistic persons .And the rest is history . Cannot go back and change those past issues . But if I could .
Did eventually find some supplements that appeared to help . So it was very hard to get my mind ,to a point were there was even time to get a diagnosis But I will say one thing that if it even came up in court to testfy against the criminal male siblings in my family.. Would happily go to court and testify . . brain recall can be wonderful or at other times a absolute curse .