How do I take things less personally?

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Hello all,

I am looking for advice on how to take things that people say less personally.

Since I am Autistic and also have a chronic illness, I constantly receive criticism and judgment that is rooted in false beliefs. People seem to think that I am holding back or just not trying at all, whereas in reality I am fighting to metamorphically keep my head above water.

I have given up on trying to explain myself to other people who are not willing to listen or entertain my point of view.

So here is my question, how do I take these incredibly hurtful misjudgments less personally? I need to find a way to not let things get to me so easily.


I'm interested in reading everyone's thoughts on this.

Thanks,

CFL

look into self assertive communication. See the self assertive bill of rights by Manuel J Smith in the book "when I say NO I feel guilty. Its available in used book stores/online venues or on line as a pdf, also on youtube. (book is out of print) among the things listed is the fact that we don't have to have anybody's approval to live our lives and make our own choices. "shoulds" "ought to" "supposed to" are all somebody elses agenda for what they want us to do, so look for those flag words and recognize those shaming, blaming, accusing voices are all somebody else's ideas and their "opinions" can be overlooked and politely dismissed with "thank you" as you move on and do exactly what YOU choose to do, when and how you do it. They can think/ believe whatever they want, but they have no power to make choices for you unless you allow it to happen. The book helped me find ways to verbally defend myself from the aggression and pressure from others. It helped me recognize when I was being intimidated, bullied, abused, pressured, etc, helped me find new healthy ways to say NO, set boundaries and enforce them, and how to make healthier decisions without giving in to pressure (people pleasing) which had been the total of the ways I interacted with any human. I did not know I could make choices in any interaction with another person , I had only been trained to please and appease. I could not do it on my own due to autistic rigid thinking, I had to have an outsider/therapist explain it to me. Today I have better tools than just appeasement. You don't have to figure this out on your own, ask a therapist to help you learn healthy self assertive communication . I got help at 30 years of age and it has worked well for me for the past 40 years. This book truly did save my life and sanity. Hope you find something that works for you.

Dealing with criticism is tough, but DBT, especially radical acceptance, helps. I remind myself I can’t control others’ opinions, only my response. Radical acceptance means acknowledging their judgment without agreeing or trying to change their minds.

I validate myself by saying, “I know my reality and I’m doing my best,” instead of relying on others. When criticism hurts, I pause, breathe, and remind myself, “This will pass.”

I set boundaries, like saying, “Thanks for your input, but I’ll handle it my way,” and focus on activities or people that uplift me. It’s about letting go of what I can’t control and protecting my peace.

I have few;

It can be done from either attaining higher states of consciousness or natural progression of one's maturity.
The rest are just habits, reflection and realizations.

I believe that being mindful and doing coping techniques isn't enough; making that into a consistent practice has it's own prerequisites that too many people neglect to tell.

That these internal things are at least somewhat actionable.


Lower your ego and accept whatever consequences.
This will at least smoothen the blow than tense yourself into something defensive and aversive.

Overcome whatever distorted beliefs that made you defensive that made criticisms "hurt" than "help".
Can be done with either therapy or discovering certain realizations. This includes overcoming certain upbringing, releasing trapped and processing unsolved emotions.

Take care of yourself.
Minimize factors that will trodden you down into dysregulation like being unhealthy, being overwhelmed before taking it on, etc.
Obviously, this is self care at it's core. It can also be having and asserting boundaries or/and being kind to yourself.


Sometimes you need to lower down certain internal noises (of the body, of the head, of the feelings) to reach another or even proceed with certain techniques.

Like that one prerequisite of feeling safe enough in body, mind and feelings first before digging a little deep and progress into a state where criticisms and judgment doesn't put someone into a triggered state nor would count as something that emotionally and mentally accumulate most at the time.

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I honestly have this problem myself, and no matter how much I remind myself that their criticism is founded on an inaccurate/incorrect understanding, it's quite difficult to shake the feeling that won't consider those facts to be an acceptable answer...especially if you've been hearing these criticisms your whole life.

My [albeit patchwork] solution was to just assume I'm going to rub a fair number of people the wrong way, and to only bother trying to explain myself to them if I think they'll understand - otherwise, I just assume a lot of people aren't going to like me over misunderstood reasons and you just can't win 'em all. It's not a solution I would necessarily recommend to anyone else, because it's just what I've auto-piloted for lack of a better option.

Are these "people" family members or the ones you care about ? Are they not "believers of autism"? Just asking.