Struggling to Maintain Friendships

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I’ve been reflecting on my struggles with maintaining friendships, especially the patterns I’ve noticed over the years. I feel like I’m constantly walking a tightrope between wanting a connection and feeling overwhelmed or misunderstood, which sometimes leads me to withdraw.

Even as a child before primary school, I remember struggling with the complexities of friendships. For example, I had a good friend in my neighbourhood. We were close, but one day, her friend came near us. I assumed they were talking about me behind my back and excluding me. It felt like a betrayal, even though it wasn’t true. At that moment, my emotions took over. I shouted at them and cut ties completely. Looking back, I see how I overreacted, but at the time, it felt so real and unbearable.

This pattern has followed me into adulthood. In high school, I often felt like an outsider, even when I was part of a friend group. I struggled to keep up with group dynamics and couldn’t tell if people genuinely liked me or were tolerating me. Some of them were pretty rude and into gossip a lot. They were even bullying me sometimes, which I was not aware of at that moment. I was figuring out these later these days, or I was missing or even not remembering their actions at all.

Also, sometimes I’d feel close to someone, but then I’d suddenly feel cold toward them or pull back without fully understanding why. It’s like my mind creates these invisible barriers whenever I sense the slightest hint of rejection or exclusion, even if it’s just imagined. I’ve also had moments where I felt like I was doing all the work in a friendship. When I didn’t get the same energy or effort in return, I’d start overthinking: Do they actually care about me? Am I just a burden to them? These thoughts would spiral until I convinced myself the best option was to step away, even though I later regretted it.

Also, my connection with my ex-close friend used to be centred on shared interests like storytelling and my creative projects, but as those faded, our friendship became more strained. Additionally, her kind gestures, like giving me gifts, often leave me feeling guilty because I can’t always reciprocate due to financial and personal constraints. I am not good at finding gifts for people, though, and it is very stressful to decide. On top of that, I sometimes sense judgment or misunderstandings, which makes me hesitate to reconnect, especially if there are other people I don't like and find not sincere but close to my friends. These complexities, combined with my personal struggles in social settings and my tendency to retreat into my comfort zone, have made it challenging to navigate and sustain friendships lately.

What makes this even harder is that I genuinely crave meaningful connections. I want friendships where I can be myself, but I often don’t know how to balance that with the emotional energy they require. Group settings are especially tough for me; everyone else seems to understand the unspoken rules, and I always feel like I’m one step behind.

These experiences have left me feeling conflicted. On one hand, I want to be close to people and share my life with them. On the other hand, I often feel like I’m sabotaging my own efforts by overthinking, misreading situations, or withdrawing when things get complicated.

I’m wondering if you have felt this way too.

Yes. Almost all of that.