Are you a good friend

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I try to be a "good friend" to the few people whom I can give that label to. However, I really don't understand the concept of people liking me and what that even means. The upshot of that is that I oftentimes say or do something that is offensive or hurtful, but have no idea that I caused any damage, or that I really even feel upset about it other than they won't want to be around me anymore.

So, I try to be a good friend the way I think I should behave, but I don't get that people like me or why.

I just hope so..

I really don't think I am. I am rather reclusive and don't reach out to others very often at all.

TBH, I'm not fully sure the cause of this. Certainly I am someone who likes to have alone time and I can track that all of the way back into my childhood, but I still feel like this current flaky, distant "bad friend" version of me is a product of my teens. As much as it was possible for me, I was very social in my early to mid teens and before. In high school I learned from experience that version of me was "annoying" and seeing as I couldn't read what about it was annoying, I thus toned it down entirely out of self-preservation. Nowadays it is gone... It's not like I just masked it, it's like that version of me has vanished entirely and cannot be returned. Perhaps that's because it has now been two decades...

I hate this. As much as I like alone time, I still want some socialization. I want friends and I want to find a partner. But I'm so bad at it all. I have a lot of trouble reading how to socialize properly without being "annoying". I learned to let people come to me, and when they don't, and when it's up to me to keep up a friendship I always feel like I'm stepping out of line and I imagine them being like "Why is she texting me? Can't she understand? It's getting annoying"... but in reality I go months and months without reaching out to people. People who have been friends for years and years and tell me I'm not annoying, but I fear doing something that crosses over that boundary and given I've been the way I am for so many years now my friends are not even used to me being particularly social. I have no idea if I've kept them because I'm being so distant, or if I'm still doing it wrong.

Oh and the fun part is that ALL of these friendships are now long-distance which makes it more difficult. And... I need to make new friends in my new state and that feels like a big mountain to climb... I'm not the kind of person who can just go spontaneously make new friends. Like joining groups?? That's like... um... too overwhelming for me. Like me being the one random new person showing up in a group of people who are already acquaintances??? No way... UGH.