The past

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What kind of things that happened in the distant past have you been wasting an unhealthy amount of time and energy obsessing over?

How often do you think about the future?

I can't think of anything specific so I suppose that means I haven't been spending an unhealthy amount of time obsessing over it, but I frequently get these sudden pangs when I remember some mistake I made, especially if it affected someone else, and then I feel terrible about it. They often have to do with the times I was taking care of sick and dying loved ones and although I tried as hard as I could it was so difficult that I sometimes fell short, or was careless or didn't control my annoyance or tiredness. For instance when my dad was in the hospital I should have stayed with him overnight instead of going home, when he actually asked me to stay.

I never think about the future though I have this vague dread of being old and helpless and living in a nursing home, since I don't have any kids to take care of me.

I don't spend much time thinking about the distant past. I also don't spend much time thinking about the future. I'm sure I'd benefit from thinking about the future more. I'm generally rooted very much in the now, for better or for worse.

I fixate on the past often. There was an instance of when I was 14 and a bully described to another boy how to tease me about my name. I can still remember exactly what he said and how he said it. It makes me feel angry and sad years later.

Anything can happen in the future but for now I'm ok with things going the way they are.

Fanfiction and maladaptive daydreaming.

Except that's not really me -- my actual interests in fiction only stops at a certain point and my daydreaming is just this subconscious crap to avoid the issues.

It's just a defense mechanism that my brain chose to stick me with by consuming tons and tons of media and choses to fixate over certain stories and themes, even if I'm burnout hard, even if I lost the concept of special interest in the process.


I wasted a lot of my life over whatever shite my 5 year old self was thinking.

Even 7 or so months later, as I reel over the fact that I was right, I'm still pissed. Really pissed that it happened.

Really pissed that shiiittt childhood psych decided how my teenage years and adulthood ran.
All those mistakes, all those times I've been fighting myself, all those missed lessons...

Still happy it's over. That I'm still getting used to functioning this way.
Still pissed that I have to pick up the pieces.

Still happy I was right. People kept telling me it's because I'm autistic. It's not the autism. People thought I was in denial -- turns out they got it wrong and I got it right.
Still pissed of that s**tshow stole my years.

Still happy because existing feels less exhausting. I have less stuff to fight over myself over.
Still pissed because it's all because this insignificant misperception of some younger self.

Still happy that finally I can start and progress, gradually be able to think of the future for real. That I will learn, I will master certain things, that I will be freer.
Still pissed that it shouldn't had happened in the first place. But what the heck can I do about that? It is already done.

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Do you mean my distant past, or the distant past?

Due to my job I spend quite a lot of time thinking about things that happened nearly 1000 years ago. I find it quite comforting because it teaches you that the concerns of people today really aren't that different from the concerns humans have always had, it's just the details that change and make every era seem unique.

As for my distant past, I spend more time than it's probably healthy examining my teenage years and the things that happened then. At least a few times a year I return to my home town of that time and retrace my steps around it, haunt the places I used to go. I'm not sure what I'm looking for there but it seems to be something I need to do from time to time.

Even though this past stuff haunts me still . Have to manage to muddle through to the current stuff ..And so the current stuff ,( right in front of my face) demands attn. So time spent dwelling on the past, does not yeild me much benefit.
As someone , I read, sometime back, gave advise: "to treat each day like a new day."And approach each day with a childlike mindset. So less time reminising on past stuff . And worse , its the bad stuff people have to learn from. So remembering a circumstance or situation can lead down a rabbit hole of sadness. But always a good thing to recall the lessons you have learnt.( It is literally info you can build on) . But beware , you might want to periodically reveiw your past learnings to see if they still apply to your current life.
Silly saying follows:
"Reveiw , Analyse, and adapt ". . was given to me by a late friend whom passed from diabetes .

there are some things i regret that i think about way too much:

structural engineering
going to san diego (homophobic)
lending a "friend" my car
almost getting my identity stolen, s**t
wasting time with annoying lil dipshits that were condescending, rude, selfish, and self righteous, such as amy lee scheel b***h, caroline, dena

f**k kayla b***h
f**k mister redelings

Because I was not grieving with everybody else when my father passed on earlier this year (he is departed now at 84); my brother came up to me and asked if I knew how to grieve. This took me aback because, for one thing, I had made peace with that fact that he would no longer be here, and had said goodbye to him as he was preparing to leave this world. Even to this day, the tape (the Accuser's invention) plays incessantly in my head of my brother asking me that, and I cannot shake that feeling that I could have been (probably should have been) like everyone else, much as I loved my father.

I think about the future a lot.

I used to think about the past. I used to think about mistakes that I've made. I used to think about how I wasn't true to myself. All the times that I tried to impress everyone that I knew by trying to wear the family name. It would have been easier for me to tell my parents that Germany is my favourite European country and saved all the time and energy that I've spent trying to be cool by acting all British.