I'm throug (trigger warning!)

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I got up this morning and got ready for work. But then my car wouldn't start. Turns out that out of nowhere my battery is dead. I have no money and I don't get paid for another week. And I cannot afford to miss any work. I won't be able to make my car payment and without a car I'll lose my job. And I'll get evicted when I cannot pay my rent.

I've already been homeless when 4 or 5 times in the past. Because I was desperately looking for a job but nobody would hire me. And I have no connection or support from my family, who all live on the other side of the world.

I played by the rules. I put all my time and energy into grinding a soul crushing job. I pay 500 USD plus another 300-400 between insurance and gas every month for a vehicle so I can get to my job. And none of that matters and I still got f****ed in the a** regardless.

And I don't even want the damage thing. I've been in too many wrecks and have to much anxiety about driving. But I have no choice because there's no reliable public transport in this sh!thole I'm trapped in. I'm still in debt from when I had to borrow 3600 USD to fix my previous vehicle, only for it to get wrecked less than a week later.

I was beaten by my own father. I was raped by my step-father's cousin and then raped again by an older kid in my school.

I'm over 40, and I've never been married or had any kids. Not because I didn't want to, but because no woman wants to be with a freak. The only relationship I have ever been in was with a narcissistic abuser who sought me out specifically for my vulnerabilities. And the fact that no other woman has ever wanted anything to do with in the 16 years since then has taught that she's only kind of woman whose ever interested in someone like me.

As I've said earlier, I've been homeless multiple times in the past, and now I'm going to homeless again. Every time I manage to pill myself up, the universe always finds just the right domino to topple for me to lose everything all over again.

So I've decided I'm through playing f***ING Sisyphus! I'm through being the universe's b!tch! I'm ending it all tonight.

I've always known I'd up here eventually, one way or another. If nothing else, I always knew that eventually the time will come when my age and/or health wouldn't allow me to work anymore. And that I won't have any money or any family to take me in. Eventually, I will have no choice but to kill myself, simply because there will be nowhere left for me to go.

Nightwing, please hold on. Please.