Self awareness of being difficult to be around is isolating

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Disclaimer: If this post needs to be removed due to sensitivity, then do what you have to do. TL;DR/Summary at the bottom.

I'm (30M) a 5th year PhD student who should hopefully graduate by May 2025 at the latest. I've been making decent progress on my dissertation lately despite the near month long break I took in October when I had therapist recommended Ketamine treatments for three weeks and a booster two weeks later in early November.

Over my whole life, I've always had comments about being difficult to be around or something to that effect. It could've been because of my autistic tendencies, emotion control issues, etc. Expense for treatments as well (e.g., psychiatry, therapy, even my teeth are messed up).

For the past two years after my first PhD advisor dropped me, I deferred to academic subreddits a ton and became infamous on those subreddits for how frequent I posted to the point they kept insisting I get off Reddit. I'd have to delete some accounts and make new ones if my karma got too low. I recently deleted mine because one of my brothers checks an autism subreddit so he could be familiar with autistic culture. This site is one of the only "safe places" right now. I posted often on Reddit because I didn't have any good guidance from my program or those in immediate circle on navigating situations (e.g., I went to the ombudsman about the situation with me and my first advisor and she couldn't do anything impactful). Even other autistic adults on those subreddits actively dislike me and constantly like to reiterate that I've contributed nothing of value ever since I even did my Master's program.

Even in work settings, folks have always said to "be careful" around me due to my rejection sensitive dysphoria, generalized anxiety, social anxiety, and moderate major depressive disorder. This just makes things that much worse. How am I going to find an employer who can understand?

Summary (TL;DR) - My family has said I'm hard to be around, academics think so (even fellow autistic PhD students and autistic PhDs), and those I've worked with also think so. This just makes me want to go over the edge and never look back sometimes. To be clear, I have no plan, it's ideation in this case.

I'm welcoming advice if anyone has anything at all even though I'm not actively seeking any right now.

It is worth noting that K-12 education teachers really liked me a ton and thought I was "awesome" (in their words). Undergrad and whatnot was a different story though since my self guiding skills are below average (based on my evaluations).

We are difficult to be around. This in part is because the industrial processing of children by public education creates an expectation of monolithic behavior patterns that are easily violated by those more inclined to live on manual control rather than automatic pilot.

For example if you respond in a text by saying "I find that humorous" instead of "LOL" you might attract attention as being a little odd.

You might find that exploring other communities such as those who are artistic or those who volunteer to help others are more tolerant of idiosyncratic behavior.

When I was a kid my dad always said for people to be careful of my feelings. Reason being that despite being on the spectrum I had a difficult childhood that warranted always being stressed, worried, and generally always on edge and as a result I would cry a lot. This stayed with me up until I was 19. It took me a couple years after turning into an adult to realize that everyone is very judgemental of those that aren't like them, not just me. Everyone is different but also the same and everyone judges everyone. I am very aware that I am in the way or difficult to deal with at times. I just stopped caring because they are also difficult for me to be around. I stopped isolating myself over this because everyone is more worried about their own lives and will forget about me once I leave the situation. This might sound sad and lonely but it's reality. You just kind of have to learn to accept it and not worry about it so much.

Having people forget you reminded me of a science fiction story called "Mute". Those who had mutations were exiled to one planet. People with mutations had a relation between their psychic abilities and a physical deformity. The main character had a slight defect in one finger and his psychic ability was to be forgotten 15 minutes after leaving someone. One would this this would be a real advantage for a bank robber.

It has been said that no one thinks as much about us as we do of ourselves. This can be a healthy realization to take some of the wind out of an unhealthy fear of excessive scrutiny.