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Good afternoon and pleased to meet you!

I'm a 30-something yo male who may or may not be on the AS, but for quite a number of years now I've been looking into it and believe there's a chance, and according to my research it would explain a lot of difficulties I've faced in my life and many of the idiosyncrasies I put on display on a daily basis.

I've never sought a diagnosis due to a number of factors:
-in the UK they 'threaten' you with speaking to a family member to find out what you were like as a child. I have no intention of family members knowing about it; I want to know it for myself only
-they make it as difficult as possible, first having to speak to a GP and 'persuading' them that it would be worth it, and then you'll likely be on a waiting list for several months
-part of me wants to be diagnosed because then it would give me something that explains what's wrong with me. If I did do a test and it turns out I'm 'normal but weird', that feels like I'd be at the start of my journey again and have no idea what to think of myself

In terms of how I've coped throughout my life, it's been riddled with many ups and downs. Never had any friends, until very recently (found them via forcing myself to find groups based around my interests). Dropped out of school early at one point with no qualifications, but was able to find my way back and re-gain a lot via secondary measures. Was accused of my mother of having an 'inner rage' at one point, although I'm actually very placid around other people, although on my own I can lose control of my temper (I broke my desk recently by slamming violently on it with my hand, which of course also badly hurt my hand...).

Anyway, sorry for the unstructured ramble. Weirdo here, possibly or possibly not with ASD, but trying to understand more about myself by reading around and speaking to other people. Pleased to meet you!
-M

ReadingTheCurlew, Welcome to Wrong Planet.

I think you have found the right place. There is a condition called Borderline Personality Disorder (BPD) that may explain some of the problems that you are dealing with. When the stress build up in your body to a very high level, you body changes into another state. You exhibit two different personalities or in other words you have two sides.

According to the internet, this condition is described as follows:

Borderline personality disorder (BPD) is a complex condition. It affects how a person feels about themselves and others. BPD is characterized by intense, unstable emotions and relationships as well as insecurity and self-doubt.

BPD makes everything about a person feel unstable, ranging from moods, thinking, behavior, relationships, and sometimes identity. People with this condition have described BPD as the feeling of having an exposed nerve ending, essentially leaving someone to be easily triggered by small things.

Source: Everything You Need To Know About Borderline Personality Disorder

There is a lot of information in this article. I do not know how accurate the information is, but it could be a starting point. Others on this site might be of help.

Welcome to Wrong Planet!

It sounds like even if you're not autistic you're very likely neurodivergent in some way, so this should be a good place for you.

Welcome to WP! I hope you find it useful.

P.S. When I got my Autism Spectrum Disorder assessment:
▪ My bride was afraid a diagnosis would be a problem. So far, it has not.
▪ We ran a few questions past my then-still-alive Dad for the Psychologist. He was not too interested.

After I got the diagnosis I delayed sharing it with my immediate family until I could tell them in person:
▪ My bride was present when I got the diagnosis. She was not surprised.
▪ My Dad was still disinterested.
▪ My siblings immediately focused on trying to decide whether or not they were Autistic.

As near as I can tell, no one who knows me well was surprised, or very interested, in my diagnosis.

Note: I got my diagnosis in 2019, when I was 64, and I'd been retired since 2011.

'Ello weirdo. You'll be in good company here.

I feel the same way as you about the UK diagnostic 'process'. No way I'd involve my parents. They can barely tell me anything about my childhood and they'd be very resistant to the idea I might be autistic (not least because it would require them to consider their own weirdness).

I did get a GP to refer me to the diagnostic service but they responded in a couple of weeks saying even if I was autistic, they couldn't offer me any support anyway so there was no point diagnosing me.

There's plenty of threads to get involved with here, have fun.