The Growing Distance: Feeling Separate

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I know this might be a difficult topic for some, and I acknowledge that. But I think many autistic people might relate to this feeling. I can communicate with others, but I rarely feel a real connection. It’s like watching everything through a one-way mirror instead of being in the room with everyone else. When I notice this, I tend to pull back, which only makes the social distance feel even more stark. How do you deal with this? The gap between me and others feels huge, and it only seems to grow wider with time.

Seeing others act reflexively, sort of on automatic pilot can make them seem a different culture speaking a different language. If you are unable to find anyone else like yourself (of your tribe), you may have to live amongst the natives and manage as best as you can.

It can be similar to someone who is artistic or athletic, although they are more often able to connect with others like themselves. Our society is more self-focused than in the past and people mostly want to feel good. This casually means the avoidance of things and people that are different.

Self-focus unfortunately is a relationship killer. To connect with those who has transcended at least some of the average selfishness, one might have to explore volunteer groups or churches (although churches often seem to have people just as selfish as anywhere else).

The "connection" you seek is usually a reciprocation of interest, even if it is simple civility. However, many people are even abandoning this. While the numbers are dropping, it is still possible to connect with others. It is just so hard to find them. You might see if your library sponsors book clubs or other activities. Just the effort to get up and go out somewhere increases the odds of finding someone else that can reciprocate.

I think many people can relate to how you feel, especially after COVID seclusions. It isn’t selfish to want to be yourself in a safe space. Connections are difficult these days and that is a fact. I deal with it by stepping outside and connecting with nature and animals. I have 2 dogs and they help me in many ways, reminding me to go for walks each day. Sometimes I meet people at the parks and on trails. I also utilize my local library for books and DVD movies, then connect with others online about those topics.

I've heard it called "the glass wall." Definitely I'm not as connected with people as I feel I should be. Though maybe television takes some of the blame for making it look like the norm is for everybody to be listening to each other so carefully.

It's possible that eye contact is one of the missing things. I've heard that it can convey a lot of emotions much faster than words. But it just seems to get in the way of taking in what people are saying when I try it. I go a lot on tone of voice instead.

When I'm with people I often notice that my views and theirs aren't very well-aligned, and I tend to keep quiet about the differences, which makes me feel disconnected from them. But arguing with them seems to drive us apart too, only by a different route.

I have a great preference for discussing topics in depth, but most people seem to prefer just touching on things and moving on, as if detail wasn't important. That always feels very unsatisfying to me, and I suppose it's one reason why I don't feel very connected. But it's a bit of a paradox, because although in this respect I don't seem to be a "cognitive miser," if somebody tries to get me to read a long book or listen to a lecture, I balk at the task and just want a brief, concise summary. I suppose the difference is that a conversation is 2-way but a book or lecture isn't.
https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog ... tive-miser

Yup, "the glass wall", feel that too. It's still there and makes me quite depressed at times, especially in intimate relationships. I can blather on all day about how I feel but people just won't get it. Same thing when people want their feelings acknowledged by me and I automatically quote a Wikipedia article...

It works both ways. Others typically feel disconnected or "misaligned" to you too, but because they're in majority you are the "wrong" one. Don't let that get to you.

It has its benefits too. Shutting out people who'd exhaust or take advantage of you anyway. And it's nice to have quiet time sometimes. Though if you pull back too much you'll start talking to yourself in your head and it'll be even harder to relate to others, as you noticed. Humans are social creatures and need to feel acknowledged.

Indeed, several thinkers have said words to the effect that the majority can be a very stupid animal. I base a lot of my self-esteem on that notion.


Yes there's nothing like having it easy for making it even worse when you eventually have it hard. The social skills begin to atrophy through disuse. If I spend too long in my fortress of solitude, I get to like it too much and people become much more of a pain in the butt when I finally do encounter them.

lol

That is so true.