Masking issues

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Said this years ago in other forum, that masking conflicts the person inside, that unmasking and releasing batafina could be a good thing.

Would you say masks Ng or rather conforming eventually warps your social values that are associated embedded in your grain. By socialising more and more and having others place expectations on you, leaves me lost, can lead younger people to do things they usually wouldn't.
If someone constantly pressures you, one day you may respond with total social flop, even high school can make you do things probably wouldn't.

Thinking it's not autism to blame, it's social pressure and expectations. I didn't realise that id had sex with my first boyfriend or what it was, I was just doing this until I bumped into old friend who was horrified, but he never made all those moves, but he was one that made my heart jump. I realised after that my mistake, if I'd known about autism at that age, I'd maybe not have let society drag me into half that stuff.

Some tests state difficult to measure asd IQ as differences in sensory, memory and interest.... It's so complex to get upbringing and navigate daunting social field within the education system, so many of our talents and true feelings are unrecognised. Nt are really the bricks in the wall, life for them is easy, readily adaptable, easy to pass.
Why is life just so unfair?

Sometimes I wonder about this too about other autistics.
While it's not my particular issue -- thus I couldn't relate well with it...

It's something I'm trying to understand, over what's the difference between how I was socialized from how others are socialized?

And their core reaction towards those conditions.

Sometimes I theorized it's the fearful human social animal within most of them autistics; ones that are constantly threatened with social death and loneliness.
Thus the social pressures and expectations.

This is how I concluded that I don't have this fearful human social animal within me.
I have a different type of human inside me, just as emotional (if not more) but not a social animal like most people, including autistics.


But how or why am I not socially pressured?

To me, those the things that most people are socially pressured to do or get are completely optional, not something to be valued too much all because everyone said so with the threat of 'if you don't, you're a freak/excluded/a loser/whatever degratory term that makes most people feel they're devalued'.

It's not like I was segregated. It's not like my IQ is too high or too low.
It's not like my culture is radically different, the same can be said with my family and the people around me. So it's really me. Just me. Not completely my autism, but my own autism helps.

Maybe my sense of self is too strong that I fight to defend it at a young age vs other autistics because a good portion of them are abused or mistreated into fawning as a way to adapt.

Strong enough to not have core and constant depressing thoughts of comparison from others, more or less immune to your typical types of FOMO...

Maybe my type of autism is more rigid and stubborn and it happened to be egosyntonic while theirs don't feel the same way.

Maybe I have a developmental trajectory that made me less socially pliant and just not any less socially aware, thus I don't act like a fake NT nor strive to be one.

Or maybe it's my sensory and cognitive profiles that made me see the value in socializing less, or that I feel too human; while many autistics feel like a freak or less human.

Or maybe that deep down within me the there's no threat or social fear, and found a more prefered way to adapt around differently that isn't masking and conforming like many autistics do?

Or maybe because I live a life refusing a reality and existence of 'thats all I know'?
If the NT world is all I know, I refuse to leave it like that and find a world outside that, outside them, that exists in the same space.
And I reside there freely, more freely than NTs, being able to go in between and beyond whenever I please, than being trapped to what most autistics feel like being an outsider to the NT wall or being trapped in their own 'autism glass box'.

Or maybe I'm very, very privileged as an autistic. Not the rich, socially and accessibility type of privileged.
Like my own personalized social and emotional learning conditions are ideal, it's just that fate picked the wrong autistic.
If I were like most socially driven lonely types of autistic, I'd probably be happier and more content. I'd probably be more appreciative and grateful.
But I'm not. I long for something else that isn't what most autistics want and strive to have when it came to social and emotional affairs.

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