I don't know how I'm supposed to feel a lot of the time

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I don't really know what the medications are supposed to do. I don't know what my baseline is. All I know is that it feels like a part of me that knows that is locked away. Sometimes I can't talk to my DR. I even told him I was doing really good when nobody else thought that. To me I was doing well. I always have a bit of an anxious feeling so I think the smaller it gets the better.

I know when I get sad. It sucks and I can't sleep. I get used to it though. I have mood swings that can happen in a day. I'll be happy then really sad and all the emotions. It's a lot. I keep it hidden sometimes but at home I can't help it. It's like I'm masking it for people but it's not working. I can't help the masking though. Some times I can't express myself at all and other times I over express myself and still can't express my true feelings.

I feel ok right now. Id say I feel good but it's unpredictable. I take my medication consistently now. I just wish I could unlock some of my feelings. It has to do with the "people" in me or something. Ive got to try to not talk to them and let them tell me I don't need psychiatric help. In fact sometimes I get really angry that I'm on medication..I've tried to tell my DR I don't need it and they say I do. I'm aware yet not fully Aware and it's the most confusing feeling I've ever felt. How do I become fully aware and just never have strange thoughts. I just want that. That way id know how I feel.

I guess my thoughts are disorganized. It's taken me awhile to realize. I'm not easy to have a conversation with as I start going off topic a million miles an hour. I'll argue with people who say it's not related. I think I just need to slow down. Then I have things where I can't even fully understand the other person even though they're speaking clearly. I wish I could have a normal conversation sometimes. I seem to make people feel uncomfortable sometimes. I get paranoid and scare people. I just wish I wouldn't do that. Yet I get so comfortable in it. I think I need to go to therapy again and actually talk instead of going off topic and avoiding things. My DR got annoyed with me for that once.

If you can get into therapy again Crystal then go for it

You do pretty well at expressing yourself in wp btw so maybe you need to practice saying these things out loud

It is weird when you start talking because you might never have heard the words out loud before and that's really scary but the more you do it the more you'll get used to it and that might be a way for another person to help you to understand your feelings

You've gotta be really brave and I think you are