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I don't really have anywhere or anyone to ask what I can't get out of my mind, so please forgive me if this is inappropriate.
Trigger warning perhaps

I have recently become aware of my autism. I've had pretty severe PTSD always.
I have been no contact with my parents for 12 years save for a couple recent emails - I'm in my 50s.
The autism awareness has brought new things to light for me - like perhaps I am more rigid in my beliefs than I should be.
But these people hurt me a lot over the years, including trying to murder me for crying too much as an infant.

I don't want to word this poorly - I don't blame myself because I'm autistic, but am feeling empathy towards them because I likely wasn't easy.

I've never known anything except through trauma lenses- ever. I know I've spent my life being terrified of my mother - I know I am now consumed with remorse over how that must have made her feel.
I felt justified rejecting them because of my pretty severe ptsd, but now it comes with a sadness recognizing how I must have made them feel.

Is it my stubbornness that keeps me from reconnecting with them? (they have asked)
Or am I being wise to not put myself in a position with very hurtful people?

I'm also becoming aware of some gifts from my autism - I think I have a real compassion at times for example.
I've forgiven them, but that makes me feel obligated to reconnect with them, or at least that that has to be the next step.
I'm trying to allow myself to believe that maybe some things are too big to come back from - even if there is real forgiveness.

I don't expect anyone is comfortable or in a spot to say to do one thing or the other, but it would be cool if anyone could understand what is going on inside my head for maybe 10 hours each day

That was the first thing I said to the person who gave me my autism test results: now I can understand why my parents were so abusive toward me; they would have been overwhelmed with not understanding why I was like I was. Her response was immediate: no, autism is no excuse. They signed on to be parents, which means it was their responsibility to care for you, not abuse you when you didn't act exactly the way they wanted.

You have come to peace with regard to your parents. That's a good thing, because it's good for YOU. You don't even know if they would be able to change their ways, or recognize the pain they caused, so if you don't feel safe reaching out to them, then DON'T! They were the parents and they caused your trauma. Sure, autism didn't help, but lots of babies cry all night. It's no excuse for how they treated you. Protect yourself, and move forward with people in your life who treat you kindly and with respect instead.

I also attempted to reconnect with my parents when I was in my 50s. I found letter writing to be the way to go. I also came to understand that my parents were victims of their own circumstances. They had little hope considering the expectations they were given to have. They choose to deal with their frustrations with alcohol.

Having raised three Asperger children, I can understand the frustrations and disappointment my parents must have felt. However, physical and emotional abuse does not build a relationship at all much less one to be "rekindled". My reaching out to my parents was not to resolve anything or build a close relationship. It was more an act of kindness to two people who did not have an easy life.

If you drive your children away you cannot expect to build the same relationship a close family has. You can build a new relationship but it is on the terms that two or three adults would have. Perhaps the best you can shoot for is friendship (which is not inconsequential).

I would suggest proceeding slowly. People seldom consider what they did was wrong, much less ask for forgiveness. It may be best to avoid speaking of past hurts. You can ask about their health, circumstances, and future plans. They would appreciate your interest.

If they become hostile, accusative, or bullying, you can skip responding to a letter for several months to see if they learn to behave better. As long as you are in control and can shut off communication when you wish, you should be able to maintain a defensive perimeter to protect yourself from future hurts.