playgroundlover22695 wrote:
Edna3362 wrote:
Probably.
I get attached easily. It's mostly a familiarity and predictability thingy, translated into a form of loyalty and devotion.
I'm also the type who doubts everything emotional, subtle and "instinctive", with enough inner security to just not just cling or hold onto something too much.
Nor have a hole in my heart to fill something -- I have an excess instead.
I do so because I hate my subconscious enough to defy it.
I either have no interest in a particular manner to have an attachment, or be attached.
However, if I do get attached...
I prefer to be conscious and be intentional over it. I prefer to understand it's implications than just blindly follow through it.
So I will be very picky over it.
Not feeling loneliness or jealously, or the overall social neediness made is so easier.
As someone with too much internal sensitivities...
I already have enough crap with dysfunctional heightened emotionality itself to a point I prefer to be one of those commonly accused "emotionally deficit and cold" types.
So I prefer to go through the direct, conscious, rational route. After all, there are too many claims that rationality is not the true opposite of emotionality -- so why not see emotionality having a form of rules or physics itself?
It's like being an empath...
... Except I refuse to be a weak empath -- easily exploited, easily influenced, easily dysregulated, easily blinded by feelings, easily used by others' feelings, and without looking at the reality of social dynamics...
If it matters ...
I just treat parting just like another transition to adjust to.
The contrast is there, but whatever higher beliefs and knowing that exists in me will be there to help me stabilize it (the sense of interconnectedness, to see the natural outcomes and reality from it).
Just like any interruption, just like any abruption, just like a sudden need to shift gears -- only that the deeper the attachment, the bigger the gear will be...
Please don't take offense, but to me your response is very confusing. I can't just pick and choose who I become attached to. I can try, but sometimes my strong emotions take over. It's like the old saying that teachers aren't supposed to have favorites. I have news for you. Your teachers lied to you about that when they said they like everyone equally etc. They ALL had favorites in their classrooms. Maybe you were one of them and I hope so, but maybe you weren't. Well it's the same with the aids. My coworkers and I talk in the morning before starting school in the teachers room and there are some kids they can't stand that I love and vice versa. Conversely there are some students who we all agree to like or dislike for whatever reason. The kid who throws a fit and makes fun of my height when I ask him to sit the right way at lunch? Not my favorite at all. A kid I can talk to about her French upbringing, her memmere, and her food while she both has a good sense of humor when it comes to making jokes, but knows where the line is and has manners? That's my kind of kid! I'm not saying that you can't control your attachments because maybe you can, but all I'm saying is for me it becomes far more difficult to do so.
It's understandable.
It was something I strove since I was a child.
Not out of hurt, but because emotions in general, positive and negative, had brought more loss of control than any autistic related factors.
And whatever people's claims of fulfilled emotional life just doesn't reflect.
No child would even try to do that; figuring how feelings work deeper than just right or wrong, appropriate or inappropriate, good or bad.
That's not typical for any human child to want to attain that at all.
Let alone one had continuously try for decades long of picking the details and subtleties of emotionality.
Let alone experiment several dimensions of contrasts -- most humans would accomodate feelings as if no different than a form of hunger. I just don't see it that way.
Most humans would quickly think that when an attachment is formed, it's a form of emotional opportunity... That they may either neglect because of other priorities, or pursue so much so they'd neglect everything else.
If one has an adequate executive functioning, balance would be more achievable.
But I frequently lose reliable and consistent executive function. Thus I cannot afford something like that lack of control.
And that not having one as often, to many who do, is a form of missing out. I genuinely do not understand these types of people.
And outright baffled at people who even declared I'm missing out by my lack of interest, especially and particularly in different aspects of human relationships (romantic, sexual...)
Many would lose their ability to be attached out of protection. I do not have that option.
The same way most people, if they feel too much, they'd start distancing themselves from their feelings or double it down and make it a part of themselves. I do not have that option.
I do not judge people who has 'no control' nor 'having no choice' because "feelings".
I understand that too much of it.
Except I've done something about it for myself.
It just took me basically most of my life to figure it out, in which most people never had to question because they can afford to.
Or that they don't have the means to get out of it.
Most people do not spend a fraction of their brainpower, forced to figure their internal subtleties everyday else they'd be a helpless subject to it.
Most people never had to study themselves to understand what causes attachment.
To them it's just is. And because of that, they gotta go to therapy or something.
Not because of frequency of attachment, but the effects of attachments itself.
You're just like everyone else on this earth, just like any human when it came to their emotions.
And as much as I tried to relate as a form of seeking a reference in hopes something could mirror mine, after for most of my life looking a form of external understanding, I'm quite sure not one of them.
Effects of my attachment to my mother is too deep. It doesn't matter if I love her or like her.
The consequences will be immense if she parted for good because of some form of enmeshment. Enmeshment is not healthy. She's probably the last person to understand me.
As any child to any parent caregiver, there will be interferences. Her patterns are not compatible with mine both in foundation and in aspiration.
Effects of my attachment towards particular people could vary.
It doesn't matter what the basis is -- a good laugh, an ache, even a petty encounter...
Attachments is not necessarily a good feel thing to me, it could be
anything emotionally tied, no different than a grudge that I couldn't let go or a joke that I couldn't get over it.
Really. And I cannot afford to live that way.
Death or loss; I treat it as no different than a long term parting. I could miss a person, I could grieve.
But like a grudge I couldn't let go or a joke I couldn't get over, I cannot exactly afford grieving the same manner.
To many, anything emotional, they always has have this step 3-4, usually after expressing their feelings, it goes closer and closer to an end that they'll gradually move on.
That doesn't happen to me.
Mine just multiplies. Doesn't matter how many people are there, or/and how safe it is for me to express it.
It's either piling up over time or I have to end it soon. The same goes with being attached. The same goes if my own mind wants to be an enabler, or if my own body becomes one like usual.
TLDR;
I have zero faith and do not identify well in anything related to human 'instincts'.
Unlike most people who can afford to.
So I sought to understand it. It took me most of my life. Most people don't do that.
Most people do not do that because; they do not have too strong interoception that made their everyday emotions feel like a chaotic wave of interruption and sensory nuisance.
Let alone anything around attachments and anything related to it.
Most people would just accept this as a "part of being a human".
I don't. I feel too human. I want to be less human. Or at least be deliberate about it.
15 Feb 2025, 10:20 pm
