I blame myself for the lack of friends I have.

Post Reply New Topic

I don't exactly think I can put myself out there with making friends because I not keen on getting rejected and I know I should blame my illness with not getting friends but I think it's my own doing because I feel I'm not a likeable person to at least some people and in my early 40's I can't change how I feel. Do any of you feel this way?

TBH, the only reason I don't, is that I don't much care whether I've got friends or not, I just focus on doing things I like, and if those things involve people, then I'll have friends. But, I've rarely had any luck making friendships that were durable beyond the particular activity.

That being said, even most NTs tend to have issues making friends in other ways once they're out of school. I think all my Dad's friends are bar buddies. My Mom has a slightly wider pool of friends, but their nearly entirely either the parents of kids I went to school with or people she worked with.

Having no friends is becoming increasingly common in society. Without repeated coincidental interactions, it's hard to make friends. For many adults, that means they're limited to spouse/kids and work colleagues.

As for not being likeable, if there's traits you don't like having, you can work on those traits. Hopefully you would do so without blame, as you being like you are now is caused by various factors like physiology and life experience. If you get to the point where you don't resent yourself, then you will be less insecure and find it easier to make the connection when the right person comes along.

Trying to change traits simply based on what others like won't lead to authentic connections, as it will draw people who like the fake traits. Better to be alone in that case. No one is liked by everyone and some of us have a smaller pool than others, similar to dating. It's the matter looking for the right person and leading a fulfilling life in the meantime. Our foibles that reduce our options also make us a better fit with a minority of people who would not otherwise be able to make a connection.

I have a few friends though I wished I had more. My good friend tells me it's not my fault that I can't make more friends due to my illness but I can't help blame myself.

Not to belittle anybody's problems, but if you have a few friends, you're probably on par with other folks. There's this sense that people have that everybody else has a bunch of friends, but the reality is that most people have fewer than 5 actual friends, the rest are acquaintances at best.

I have one good friend I talk to almost daily and see about once a month. I have 2 other friends I rarely see but I do talk to both of them on the phone and the rest of my friends are online. I guess I'm not doing bad in socialize. though I'm quite nervous when it's comes to making new friends. For example, if I would like to make friends at a volunteer but I don't find it easy and people in volunteer places never become my friends and they just stay acquaintances.

It sounds like you're doing better than some people without disabilities. Of course, you aren't obligated to like the situation.

PS. I think it's interesting that you seem to see your disabilities as something external to 'you', such that it frees you from culpability if the disabilities are blamed. Presumably you see other traits as 'you'.

If examined, I think you'll find that the various perceived traits are not fundamentally different from each other. They have causes and manifest in different ways in different times. It's not really necessary to identify with any of them and, if you didn't, you would never blame yourself for what you're experiencing. This just happens to be something most people don't know how to avoid doing. The result is getting caught up in value judgements, rather than thinking about the proper way to respond to what's happening.

Is it weird that I'm thinking maybe trying to make more friends is not a great idea for me? I find it so difficult because of my condition and I wonder if it's even worth trying?

Just engage in some group activities that relate to things that you're interested and don't worry so much about the friends. Either way, at least you're doing stuff you like.

Everyone has limited time and energy; you get to decide where the most valuable returns for it are to be found.

'More friends' is presumably a means to some end, rather than simply an attempt rack up your friend count. Think about what the value of the ends would be to you, as well as if there's other ways to achieve it. For example, sometimes it's easier to change one's thoughts and expectations instead of the external situation.

If making more friends still seems like the best use of your time, then proceed by all means. Try to do so in a way where the process is valuable to you, even if you don't make more. Examples people give like volunteering or special interest groups are an attempt to get at this idea - then you did something you value regardless.

Thank you for suggesting volunteering or groups. I already do volunteer but I actually nervous about socializing with people because I'm afraid I will get rejected and I don't have great social skills or self esteem. And I don't go to groups these days because I don't makes friends in them unfortunately.

That can become a vicious cycle too, where a person avoids interacting with people, gets more anxious about interacting with people and gets worse at interacting, so they avoid interacting with people even more...

It can be hard to break out of vicious cycles.

Yep, I've been dealing with that personally with my other languages. So, I've got an AI to chat with now to help gain a bit of confidence in that. It does seem to be helping.

In general though, once you've got expectations that things aren't going to go well, it can become a self-fulfilling prophecy.