The Growing Distance: Feeling Separate

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I know this might be a difficult topic for some, and I acknowledge that. But I think many autistic people might relate to this feeling. I can communicate with others, but I rarely feel a real connection. It’s like watching everything through a one-way mirror instead of being in the room with everyone else. When I notice this, I tend to pull back, which only makes the social distance feel even more stark. How do you deal with this? The gap between me and others feels huge, and it only seems to grow wider with time.

Seeing others act reflexively, sort of on automatic pilot can make them seem a different culture speaking a different language. If you are unable to find anyone else like yourself (of your tribe), you may have to live amongst the natives and manage as best as you can.

It can be similar to someone who is artistic or athletic, although they are more often able to connect with others like themselves. Our society is more self-focused than in the past and people mostly want to feel good. This casually means the avoidance of things and people that are different.

Self-focus unfortunately is a relationship killer. To connect with those who has transcended at least some of the average selfishness, one might have to explore volunteer groups or churches (although churches often seem to have people just as selfish as anywhere else).

The "connection" you seek is usually a reciprocation of interest, even if it is simple civility. However, many people are even abandoning this. While the numbers are dropping, it is still possible to connect with others. It is just so hard to find them. You might see if your library sponsors book clubs or other activities. Just the effort to get up and go out somewhere increases the odds of finding someone else that can reciprocate.

I've heard it called "the glass wall." Definitely I'm not as connected with people as I feel I should be. Though maybe television takes some of the blame for making it look like the norm is for everybody to be listening to each other so carefully.

It's possible that eye contact is one of the missing things. I've heard that it can convey a lot of emotions much faster than words. But it just seems to get in the way of taking in what people are saying when I try it. I go a lot on tone of voice instead.

When I'm with people I often notice that my views and theirs aren't very well-aligned, and I tend to keep quiet about the differences, which makes me feel disconnected from them. But arguing with them seems to drive us apart too, only by a different route.

I have a great preference for discussing topics in depth, but most people seem to prefer just touching on things and moving on, as if detail wasn't important. That always feels very unsatisfying to me, and I suppose it's one reason why I don't feel very connected. But it's a bit of a paradox, because although in this respect I don't seem to be a "cognitive miser," if somebody tries to get me to read a long book or listen to a lecture, I balk at the task and just want a brief, concise summary. I suppose the difference is that a conversation is 2-way but a book or lecture isn't.
https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog ... tive-miser

Yup, "the glass wall", feel that too. It's still there and makes me quite depressed at times, especially in intimate relationships. I can blather on all day about how I feel but people just won't get it. Same thing when people want their feelings acknowledged by me and I automatically quote a Wikipedia article...

It works both ways. Others typically feel disconnected or "misaligned" to you too, but because they're in majority you are the "wrong" one. Don't let that get to you.

It has its benefits too. Shutting out people who'd exhaust or take advantage of you anyway. And it's nice to have quiet time sometimes. Though if you pull back too much you'll start talking to yourself in your head and it'll be even harder to relate to others, as you noticed. Humans are social creatures and need to feel acknowledged.

I cannot connect with people on a deep level or it's pretty rare. My interests are very different than most people and I tend to become an expert on the subjects I am interested in. I learned the hard way this can get you into trouble, so I just keep them to myself. Over the years in fact, I've gotten a bit protective of them and feel sharing them will bring negative consequences.

Interests that most people have like sports or stuff that's common mainstream (i.e. Star Wars) is just beyond boring to me.

I find small talk to be a waste of time and not of any use to me. So, this is why I'm pretty much alone in the world.

To me, it consists of phases.

Less about emotional connection and in relates to attachments, and more to do intellectual resonance and other concepts or priorities.


Like...
I'll still have fun the same ways.
But somewhere along the way, I'll outgrow people.

Usually views and concepts that might be initially brought me and the other person to an agreement.
The same can be said with milestones and shifts in priorities.

Like, I had a past online life.

Sure, once upon a time I'd be one of those who's yelling around the echo chambers.
Now, I don't see it as a necessary thing anymore nor I identify it the way others who remain do.

Yet that doesn't mean those who hadn't, I'll outgrow. I can do more with them beyond whatever initiated that initial level of resonance.


Sure I still just as much as communication issues, but that's just the social interface thing.

I have no issues with the emotional aspects. Especially beyond the social surfaces.


Like -- with my family, I'll still spend more time with them.

Even if they have zero understand of me, even if I experienced nonexistent intellectual resonance with them...
Which I happened to outgrow demanding this from them at one of those outgrowing sessions I did...

Attachments still exists, certainty over bonds still exists, closeness still exists, emotional trusts still exists.


To me, the feeling of separation is becoming more and more of a choice to me, and less based on instincts and compatibility.

Probably because, well, I'm outgrowing the model of needing to "wait for my people".
I'm at a stage where I'm really losing the need for anyone to relate to me anymore.


I did this not to deal with feelings, but it's just what I want to explore in relates to being a human.


There's a good chance that all I've written had nothing to do with the OP's experience.

Because I have my own factors; like I'm asocial to a point that socialization is optional, I never felt loneliness, I feel too human to a point of wanting to be more alien, my attachments are very secure, I practice affective flexibility and don't deal with emotional color blindness, don't have the same priorities in socialization, etc.

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