How did you find a good therapist?

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I'm struggling to find a good online therapist. Also I'm not sure what's the definition of "good" and maybe I was unlucky in my previous experiences. As of today, these things triggered me to fire the two previous therapists:

- looking at the phone while I'm talking, if only for 2 seconds
- saying something along the lines of "philosophy is not important for my job"
- focusing on "searching deeper" in a Jungian way as opposed to actually trying to understand what I was talking about
- not taking notes
- not having a plan for what we were going to do and how, just wanting to talk and talk and talk (and getting paid)

I should say that I worked with both therapists before I knew about ASD, and in fact they were not taking me seriously when I was telling them all the things that now make perfect sense. They didn't even think about that possibility. That surely shows how hard they were trying.

Any suggestions??

Could this help?

I found that I had to just try a few out. Many Therapists offer a free 20-30 min session to see if things work before going further.

Maybe, if you have a friend that is attending therapy you could ask him/her who they visit. You could ask your friend to ask their mental health professional for a referral to another counselor/therapist ect.

I was referred to my current counselor by a family member who had a good experience with their services.

One last point, if you are looking for a male therapist it may take longer since mental health is a female dominated industry. So that's just something to keep in mind when looking.

Best of luck with your search

Cheers,

CFL

Hey.

I've been seeing my current therapist pretty continuously for over 12 years or so. (To be fair, I stopped seeing her for perhaps 6 months because I couldn't afford it at the time.) I am aware that for a therapeutic relationship of this kind to go on for this long is a little rare. (And yes, it has always been very professional.)

After having been around the block a few times with different therapists, I think what it comes down to is the 'chemistry' between the two of you. Can you trust your therapist enough to be vulnerable? (they have to show they deserve this trust, imo). Do you think she/he understands where you're coming from? Do you think they may have the skills to help you? And these answers may depend on the individual client.

Yes, I think it is harder for autists to find a therapist they can 'gel' with, but don't give up looking if you see glimmers of light. My therapist has been a source of clarity and sometimes healing for me. One downside: I do wish she wasn't as expensive, but 1) my government sponsors me and 2) she IS very experienced and skilled. Also, a few of the sessions can be downright illuminating, but some can be a bit more mundane. I think that's OK - that's probably as good as it gets.

So overall, one happy customer here.

Good luck.

P.S. my counsellor was recommended by my GP (doctor).

In my experience, finding a good therapist is just getting lucky that you found someone with integrity and effectiveness. Here's an actual published study on poor therapy: https://www.tandfonline.com/doi/full/10 ... 3#abstract

To me, the system is just too messed up to trust a therapist. There is no one holding them accountable in a relationship that has highly unbalanced power dynamics. With a few little comments in therapy, they can manipulate their clients into abdicating their own perceptions and decision-making capacity to the therapist. For example, they can simply say something like, "You seem happier lately, but I don't want you to develop a false sense of security. We need to work on [whatever] so that you don't fall into that trap again. Also, considering your history with hurtful people, do you think that [actually supportive person] is good for you right now?" Or they can straight up manipulate an assessment to straight up misdiagnose you. If a client were to start complaining, they would get attacked as a psychologically unwell and possible malicious person. The laws that protect client confidentiality also protect therapist ineffectiveness since no one can track it in any meaningful way. And, they get paid for their time, not the outcome. So, the incentives and system are perfect for abuse, making it an attractive profession for people that get their needs met by hurting others.

Being autistic, we're at an even greater disadvantage. I've had some very poor experiences that have severely damaged my life due to attending therapy. I've also personally known several therapists that I thought were al around just pathetically terrible people. I will never see another therapist ever again. I loosely estimate that therapists have much higher prevalence of narcissists, psychopaths, and general abusive characters than many other professions because they are in a place where they get to speak for and control a vulnerable population. They can also use their psychological training to prevent getting caught by hiding their abusive behaviors, gaslighting their victims, and making their victims seem like the abusers. But don't take my word for it. Check this sight out: https://therapyabuse.org/topics.htm

In my opinion, the best way to find a good therapist is by word of mouth of someone you trust that was their client. Even with that, be cautious, know exactly what outcomes you want, and leave if you are not having your needs met or have any reason to mistrust them. Find an supportive online forum...maybe you can make a second throwaway account on here...and stay anonymous. Post your experience with your sessions every week and have others review it. Be honest. Let others that are not emotionally involved or personally vested analyze the experiences for anything that might be off.

I think it was something like 3rd or 4th time lucky for me

I'm in the UK so you get what you're given on the NHS

Now that I'm thinking about it, the worst psychologist I had at this clinic even passively pointed out that I was autistic before I knew it. When doing a trauma therapy with her (gross), she specifically pointed out that I would show up to our virtual sessions (COVID and I didn't like being alone with her in person nor going to her office because she seemed a bit too emotional, offended, judgmental, and like to blame) with guava candy in my mouth. She said that there are some people that like to distract themselves or release anxiety by grounding themselves through movement and other sensory experiences. At the time, I was like, "Yeah, duh," but really acted like it was a revelation to not upset her again. "Oh wow, really?" I didn't realize she was saying I was autistic. Yet, she never talked to me about autism or that I might be autistic. However, she did gaslight me to my face when I told her that I didn't know what was real, and she said, with a big smile, that, "We will talk about that at our next session," during out explicitly agreed upon final session. In retrospect, I realize that several other employees at the clinic definitely knew I was autistic, but no one ever told me anything. They also outright declined to even discuss ADHD with me when a medical doctor told me to bring it up with mental health. I don't know how people like that exist. I can't place myself in their shoes no matter how hard I try.

This is why I can't trust therapists. If I tried, it would take me years to undo the damage just to be able to trust them enough to do some real work. It's not my choice. My body just wont let me. It's like my mind goes blank, I don't feel anything, and I can't even express that itself. What is the trap? And, I don't have the money to spend on years of therapy, would be making me even more upset knowing that I'm paying to undo the damage they did, nor do I want to be sitting there wondering if the money and pain I would be spending were even helping or making things even worse like before. There was one therapist that was actually effective and taught me what I needed to know to recognize that my previous experiences with therapy were abuse and that I was autistic, but that therapist died, so that's no longer a possibility. That was such a loss for humanity.

I think I'm a lost cause when it comes to therapy. I don't see a way around it. Sorry for being a downer. If anything, I hope that anyone else that has been through something similar and sees this knows they're not alone. You're not crazy. It happens. There are horrible people out there posing as therapists, and they will continue to get away with it because that's the way it is.