Masking Is Unsustainable and Imposes Unfair Standards on oth

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I've enjoyed so much reading this thread- all of it. Thank you!
The second time through, it hit me what adpsquee said - Some of us didn't have a choice
I loved the Bob Dylan quote (thank you DuckHairback), It made me think about Leonard Cohen's "Like a Bird on A Wire"
"I saw a beggar leaning on his wooden crutch. He said to me, "You must not ask for so much""
Probably relevant but will put a pin in that for now...

I feel like I've taken most of my mask off for 2 people - my wife (took about 10 years) and my brother (took about 50)
Terrified me in both cases - though I felt I had nothing to lose with my brother, and everything to gain (which happened!) With my wife I did it out of complete desperation - if I didn't have her, I was lost.

I masked for fear. I feared for my life as a child, but I also feared that I was as I believed my mom was.
I'd repeat "I am not crazy" in my head over and over and over again for years. (I'm sorry if this is inappropriate language- it really was my mantra growing up, making it very hard to reword)

I've spent a few very hard years working on my trauma, working with my inner children - I completely threw myself into it. We don't fear for our lives anymore and I've accepted my mental illness.

So why would I mask still?

Over-sharing generally doesn't work out well well for me- it's nice to be incognito here

Maybe most important, I still haven't quite got this PTSD vs Autism figured out. Not sure why it matters, but I can accept, and even love both of these parts of myself on their own, but I still feel very muddled with them both. Like it still doesn't all add up for me. I sit with this problem, working on solving it almost always right now.

I never had a pre-trauma life, the same as I never had a pre-autism one. Makes it tricky for my brain - I'd like to just think of it as irrelevant but it isn't (at least to me).

It's also just hard to unmask at this age. I've only known holding it in. My loving wife is a complete miracle to me - but I feel like I have to "move on" for her at least as much as I can. We have real world issues like most others, that need tending to and being in my head isn't helpful for that.

I've been very close to starting a support group for men with PTSD in my city. Logistics mostly completed years ago - but removing the mask is what holds me back.

Thanks to everyone who shared here. It was very helpful to me