My bad memory never fades

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1 or 2 years ago I was traumatized and can not forget it. That memory is still replaying on my mind everyday. There has not been a day that I didn't remember it. I had some other bad memories, but this one never fades. My brain is running too fast, and it always has many tabs open. Years ago, I tried medication to stop overthinking, and not to worry. But I don't like depending on meds. So I won't probably take them again. How am I gonna get over it? It's hard to get past it and just focus on present.

I find it helps to play repetitive music. I can find a catchy tune on YouTube and continuously loop it.

Playing games like Scrabble and solving puzzles.

But my favorite activity to ease the stress is to play golf by walking 9 holes in an hour or two.

Not a therapist, and probably not recommended; make it an option if you're actually desperate.

Because it can be risky in some cases, and not guaranteed to work if it does not progress pass just remembering unless you can afford to risk it again if risks exists.


Get a safe place and time. Preferably somewhere comfortable.
Better if you have an emotionally trusted person nearby.

Take a medication for something that quiets down distractibility or lowers your guard down if you had to, so it'll lessen the chances of playing recollections in the loop needlessly.

Experience the whole thing head on no matter how painful. Detail by detail.
But the story is not the point, the point is your mindset or state while recalling it.

Do it as if you're curious why the heck your head just chooses those crappy memories in the background and keeps popping out.

Because, really, if you don't like that memory, why does your head keep chosing it? It's possible your head is also hiding something with it, too.

If you sense a feeling behind it, process it, feel the whole thing, listen to it's "reasoning".
It can be so absurd or outright nonsense, but try to validate it or recontextualize the whole thing.

Then assure the whole thing that made that story over and over wholeheartedly like a kid.

You can have someone else with you for this if you don't know how to recontextualize yourself. This phase can sometimes take multiple sessions.

At least those are actionable steps.
And why I say "desperate" than "ready" instead usually makes it somewhat riskier.



Else, tell a therapist (one you actually trust, the better) you want to take it on head on and may help you to guide you with the process.

That is, if you are actually willfully ready. Though, this is a safer route.

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For me, what has seemed to help me has been walking. I've gone though some bad memories in the past few years that I processed somewhat by walking. I get my sneakers on, ear buds, a pissed off playlist or some song that is stuck on repeat, and go for a longgggg walk. Pacing helped me too. Hand flapping and talking to myself were involved. It didn't get rid of the memory, but it did help calm my physical response to it. Otherwise, I was a mess. There were a few times I seriously thought I had to go to the hospital. I even took pictures of my skin breaking out in hives. After the walks, they seemed to have lowered in intensity.

I have flashbacks a lot and I hate it. Stupid stuff I did and said, gaffes, social screw ups, and hearing my father yelling at me in my head, along with my one late grandmother. This happens to me at least a few times a day. I had a really bad flashback last week, I hid under a blanket for about 10 minutes, yes that bad.

I'm on medication but it's for meltdowns, not sure I want to be on anything else. However, Ativan does help quite a bit with anxiety.

At least at home I can rock back and forth and wring my hands.