Confrontations with NTs over violated unspoken rules?

Post Reply New Topic

A bit of a general thread, but wondering how my fellow ASD-ers have handled confrontations with NT folk (that THEY initiated, not you, obviously!) over violated unspoken rules? Did you really have to stick to your principles - and your line - that you honestly didn't know, before you both basically had to "agree to disagree" and part ways?

I'm sure you've followed a similar pattern that I have, whereby most social rule violations didn't go unpunished, albeit it was in a more passive-aggressive way (both individually, and collectively meted out) - it tended to be the exception, rather than the norm, that an NT might angrily confront you over it, ask rhetorically WTF is wrong with you, you're making other people feel uncomfortable, etc. etc..

Basically, they're conflating your character or personality with your neurology. Simply because they don't know any better. I think of Stephen Covey's famous statement, "We see the world not as it is, but as we are, or as we are conditioned to see it."

Yes, we are digital thinkers in an analog world, as the saying goes - picking up socio-emotional nuance and unspoken expectations can be very grey and contextual, not in our typical special interests that are mostly STEM-oriented.

While this tactic doesn't always work, I've tried answering their questions with further questions, or using the Socratic method... e.g. "Why do you think I would do that deliberately?", or "Well, what if some people's brains or mental models work differently than other people's?" or "You know me fairly well already, you know my personality type - if I was aware of that, do you really think I would have chosen to respond that way intentionally?"

Of course, there may be a few folks who will, again, conflate your behaviour with personality disorder or character flaws; they may label you as passive-aggressive, probably because this is the "normal" behavioural response for an NT. It's like they impose an NT template or lens on all interactions (going back to that Stephen Covey quote), and that you're an NT all along who's somehow paradoxically different (almost like a quantum reality, like Schrodinger's cat), I dunno, you see what I'm getting at.

Well, we can only hope that greater awareness and understanding of ASD will mitigate this sort of blow-up... then again, or at least I believe, NTs as a collective in most settings will ALWAYS prioritize their desire for social harmony over the desire to accommodate someone who's neurodivergent. Because the NTOS's primary directive is social harmony; for the "Aspie OS", it's objective truth and facts. So we might get greeted with an NT response of "We have to put the needs of the many before the needs of the few (or the one)." Yes, quoting Star Trek 2: the Wrath of Khan - and I've actually been subjected to this silly line a couple of times, almost as if they invoked a visceral stereotype that I'm a geek and all geeks love Star Trek (I don't), ergo he will relate to this line

I can't remember anybody confronting me over unspoken rules, but if they did I'd probably ask them why they didn't tell me before. Maybe if I thought it was a silly rule I'd just criticise the rule, or if they didn't have any power over me, I might say something like "stop being so uptight."

But I think with unspoken rules, mostly you don't get directly confronted.

This happened to me I believe

My neighbor confronted me because I told her that she said my ex-boyfriend was a human trafficker, which could have put her family's life in danger!! !

It entirely depends on the culture.

To me, my confrontations are so relatively petty (and it's barely constitutes as "minor" offense like, there's no physical harm -- no touching even, no money involved, no invasion of privacy nor space, barely if not no verbal exchanges, no relationships twisted except all because of that one moment that their stupid ego and their stupid expectations over how they get to be treated) that I just don't care anymore.

Like, it's barely worth feeling or thinking anything over.
And anyone confronting me over it just pissed me off, no different than a kid who's being an a-retentive.

Makes me understand how one hates snitches, how one hates rigid people, how one hates being the so called rule follower, for reasons nothing to do with cognitive styles and more to do with whatever nuisance of a foolish priority.

Gained Number Post Count (1).
Lose Time (n).

Lose more time here - Updates at least once a week.

I was confronted, by two people, because I stood the same way NTs often stand. When I one day pointed to a guy that was standing THE EXACT SAME WAY, and I said JOKINGLY that HE must be racist because I was accused of it when I stood the SAME way. The room gasped, because they saw him as the most gentle guy there.

For my SUPPOSED racist act, they got our boss to demand that I treat them to dinner.

Of course there are LOTS of things you could violate.

^
You mean it's possible to stand in a racist way? And that bosses can make employees buy stuff for others with their own money? This is the first I'm hearing of those disturbing notions.

I find it very odd for a boss to tell someone that is supposedly racist to make it up by buying people dinner.

The rules aren't something I've ever worried about but my bluntness has been pointed out but not usually in a negative way

I suppose you either love it or hate it really

Y'all are getting confronted? My recent history is that I get punished out of nowhere. I wish people would come up to me and discuss it respectfully. Instead, they start being mean or ghost me.