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Good evening all,

I am a woman with anxiety and PTSD who's been reading and trying to learn about ASD, ADHD and avoidant attachment styles for the past 6 months. This is due to a year-plus relationship with a man I adore. His communication style is significantly different from mine, to say the least. He is also smart, strong, interesting, beautiful, funny -- and when he does let me know how he feels, it really is like nothing else I have encountered. I love him.

He has never mentioned a diagnosis of anything to me. He may not have a diagnosis or need one. I'm not one who would ever ask him (it would be his choice to bring up the topic). But I have noticed distinct patterns to his behavior. More than anything, I want to learn how to be a good partner. This has required me to take a deep breath and a step back and not react in the way my anxious brain has typically reacted to stress or conflict. I'm hoping it would be OK for me to post about our experiences here to see if they resonate with anyone.

I believe it could be an effective way to learn, beyond reading all the articles I've read over the past 6 months.

Welcome to WP!

Hi 87q and welcome to the planet.
So we're on the fence with both of you? You should have made this a poll with changeable votes.
"Him or Me?" and drip-feed both your patterns.

87questions, Welcome to Wrong Planet.

You wrote that you have a boyfriend and
a year-plus relationship with a man
I'm hoping it would be OK for me to post about our experiences here to see if they resonate with anyone.

Interesting. The way our condition occurs in males is many times different then how it occurs in females. So perhaps he is very similar to you but in a very different way. That may be why you are attracted to him. You may fit together like a glove.

Hi 87q and welcome to the planet.
So we're on the fence with both of you? You should have made this a poll with changeable votes.
"Him or Me?" and drip-feed both your patterns.

Haha, thank you! I like this idea

Interesting. The way our condition occurs in males is many times different then how it occurs in females. So perhaps he is very similar to you but in a very different way. That may be why you are attracted to him. You may fit together like a glove.

This could be true. From our first meeting (in 2022) until now, our relationship has been unique. If you look at the ways in which we are different (I'm 11 years older than he is, we are from different countries, he was just starting to learn English when we met and I don't speak his native language), we may not make sense on the outside. But he completely changed my world.

I'm wondering, on which board would it be most appropriate to post about this topic? Is it Love and Dating or another one? Thank you!

Welcome to Wrong Planet!

You will find that women by nature are way more natrually sociable than men. This pans out in autism differently because men would natrually be far less likely to hide their traits through masking. To women, it is far more important how they look and are portrayed amongst others so they learn to mask to hide their autistic traits.
Generally, while the majority of women on the spectrum tend to mask, with men it tends to be only the higher than average I.Q. types.with a few exceptions. Generally one is less likely to mask if one is an autistic man. This is the main noticeable difference between men and women on the spectrum and why the lower I.Q. men are far more likely to be diagnosed when they are children and why women (And men who mask) often go through life before either recieving a late diagnosis if they mentally crash (As years of prolonged masking often causes mental breakdowns later in life), or they may never receive a diagnosis.
Another interesting fact is when it comes to autistic men and women, the majority of autistic men by far are single and often struggle to find their significant other. When it comes to autistic women the opposite tends to be the case. Again this is how men and women in general are perceived by their opposite sex, regardless if they are on the spectrum or not. Most women tend to natrually look for men who are stable minded achievers and tend to stray away from men who come across as being different. Most men tend to look for women who are different. To them the women who have autistic quirks are seen as something special.
Autistic men are way more likely to marry autistic women as autistic women are the few who appreciate their unusual character! Why one or two may have asked if you may be on the spectrum yourself and not know it.

Welcome to WP! I hope you find some useful information here.

But, I suspect that would be more likely with more definitive info about your significant other. It sounds as it you don't know that he has a diagnosis, if he has a diagnosis you don't know what it is...or should be. And if you suggest a formal or informal assessment then he might be insulted because you think he is mentally ill.

But if things are working well perhaps you shouldn't fret about it. Just accept him as he is?

Generally, while the majority of women on the spectrum tend to mask, with men it tends to be only the higher than average I.Q. types.with a few exceptions.

My boyfriend presented as extremely intelligent (well-educated, speaks 3 languages), proud and confident. However, I did notice some behaviors in the first few months of our relationship that confused me.

1. During our first long, in-depth conversation (the day he asked to get to know me better), he got dressed up and wore cologne (he typically doesn't). He gave me what felt like a job interview script of what he had to offer. Yet, he did it with a smile and so much sweetness and charm that I had to know him better.

2. During our subsequent meetings/conversations, he often walked up to me without a smile. He wasn't frowning, but his face was simply neutral. He could ask me, "Hello, how are you doing?" without smiling or changing the tone of his voice.

3. After about a month of talking and getting to know each other (he told me about his family, job, education, etc.), he started making abrupt transitions from asking me about my day or my family into a topic that I now know is his special interest. He started giving me very long talks about this subject. He could speak and explain for 45 minutes or an hour. I couldn't figure it out at first. I kept thinking that he must not be interested in me, because he is always talking about this one topic. He would show me podcasts on his phone.

There is more of course, but this is how our relationship started ...

Hello and Welcome to wrong Planet.. Am thinking, you might have a "Good one" Autism or not , You described aspects of someone whom might easily be considered as a Autistic person, from your writing. If you manage some patience in your relationship . You may have gotten very Lucky . . "Flat effect" , little to no expression on the face . Is a known trait of Autistic males. (some females) You may have to say things very directly to him.And once again patience, may very very possibly be a big thing for you in a relationship . It would be very presumptious of you to expect him to express lots of facial emotion. You literally almost have to tell him to smile, when he looks at you. ( many times) over. And offer him one back . . If your lucky, it might get to be a habit for him. Possibly his learning to touch
maybe something , he might need help with.Best Wishes in your Future . Maybe even a congradulations might be in order.

Welcome to Wrong Planet!

welcome, you are among others who understand!

Welcome!