I take issue with Chloé Hayden's Different, Not Less

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I don't have any personal issues with Hayden; no doubt the difficulties she's faced throughout her life were harrowing enough, and it's great for her that she's been able to reach a point in life in which she can embrace who she is, advocate for autism, and do her best to make a positive difference in the world. It's something that most of us can strive for.

The issues I do have are largely centred around her book, Different, Not Less.

On the surface I ought to like it. It's a positive reflection on her differences and struggles; her ups and her downs; the way she's changed her thinking throughout the years into a mode of self-acceptance. There's definitely nothing wrong with a message of self-acceptance, especially in a world full of plenty of self-loathers.

But unfortunately the problems I see in it are the same I see in so many advocacy groups: it's not unconditional, but rooted in the need to see a flashy end result.

This is mainly a problem in the later chapters. She talks about the "thing that makes your eyes sparkle", by which she largely means special interests, which in her case happens to be acting, writing, and music - things she's now made her profession; she's living the dream - unlike most of us, regardless of whether neurotypical or neurodivergent. It boils down to this: "I suffered, I was downtrodden, I had a rough time; but eventually I managed to embrace who I was, and look what I have to show for it! I am wonderfully successful! Don't you want to be successful, too?"

So in the end, we're faced with the same old conditional statement: different, not less, provided you have something to show for it at the end of the day. And it's in all of us.

But what do we do when we aren't able to achieve something? Is it a personal failing? Am I not embracing my special enough?

Is this bitter and envious? Probably... but isn't it forgivable?

What this sort of statement invites is a comparison of circumstances. Now, every person's life is different - I am some 7 years older than her, I am male, and I don't live in Australia. While some of the experiences she lists sound similar to mine, some of them do not - so I'm sure she is, in some ways, "more" autistic (whatever that means) (and indeed, I am currently in the process of trying to get a diagnosis, so I don't even know whether I AM, officially). And yes, of course there will be gender-related issues through the stereotype that most autists are male.

However, at the same time, a lot of the experiences she lists are simply assumed to be something everyone has; there's no critical reflection on the advantages she has had. There seems to be a fair amount of wealth there - her parents insisted on supporting her in all her interests, even when it didn't seem to bear fruit according to her teachers (dancing, acting, music lessons); she even had her own pony, which I gather is an incredibly expensive affair. Such supportive parents are enviable, and I am happy for her that she had it - but at the same time, what message can I get out of a book which is supposed to help autistic people when there's that big catch? All this allowed her to do non-profitable things, pursue her dreams, etc. cc. Privilege does cushion disabilities - and it strikes me that she's definitely had that.

When I compare it to myself, and sorry for becoming self-indulgent here, but I did not have that. I was told that I was lazy and simply didn't want to do school and was therefore thrown out; I was told I was self-sabotaging myself; that it was entirely my fault I was failing; my father said to my face that I'm becoming an a***hole; my parents discouraged things I didn't take an immediate shine to (for example drawing, which I liked but couldn't do very well), and they also said I had no talent in writing because I was performing rather poorly at this one point when I had to summarise chapters from a book (and I took a long time to get over that one, despite it currently being my main special interest); and if I had a special interest that didn't align with what they considered productive, then that would be discouraged too. I didn't have great financial support, for the most part of my young adulthood I lived from pay check to pay check (and still had to beg others for money). My lack of friends, struggles, other things, were often put down to us moving about a lot, and never seriously investigated; the school was blind to any bullying and, again, put the blame at my feet. It's probably not a surprise that this entire environment caused me to attempt suicide several times back then.

So Hayden's suffering is real, but she doesn't reflect on the part that gave her the biggest push - not self-acceptance, but parental support, which can then enable self-acceptance, I imagine. It doesn't make her pain fake, but it does mean that there's an important step in there that I cannot overcome. If that step isn't a reality, then the message is simply that I simply haven't tried hard enough. It's like it's grief in disguise - "I could have had that, had I had her environment." The only validation I can receive at the moment is basically "well, at least I'm not dead despite all that!"

Hayden's example doesn't prove that "no matter who you are, you can achieve something", it proves that "if you're lucky and you have the right environment, then your disability won't necessarily hold you back." Or, in other words, you could have succeeded too, had you been someone else. If being yourself historically led to rejection, bullying, misunderstandings, neglect, self-blame, how can it be empowering to read this? It re-evokes the trauma, if anything. Why am I not shining like her? I must be doing it wrong.

And this again makes me reflect on the possibility of autism in me. I've discovered the possibility - like it's the one justification. Before this, was I just failing on my own terms, but if I do get the diagnosis, then I can say "Look, I was suffering all along, and you were all just ableist bastards!" - that also feels wrong. Suffering shouldn't need a justification. It's like the world desperately requires a badge of honour to accept your suffering - it needs proper labelling, a signature.

So the ones Hayden leaves behind are those who struggle without support. Who are told we have no talent, who are framed as lazy, those who lack the proper family or finances, or guidance, and who are just here, surviving, still unpublished, unsuccessful in many different ways.

Reaching success of that kind simply isn't possible for most people - neither neurotypical nor neurodivergent. How many people have disadvantages so horrifying that they can barely connect and simply exist in space? Why can we only venerate the flashy side of it, those who are the loudest, showiest? Only if you're open and complain - which requires that one hasn't suffered to a certain degree - is one worth something. Radical acceptance demands us to show our worth, prove it, make it inspiring, useful. The commodification of liberation. Different, not less, because look at the output you could have.

And if you can't do anything? Neither best-selling author, nor actor, nor tech wizard, nor even poster-child for quirkiness? She's also extroverted and palatable enough for public consumption! What if you're just lonely, exhausted, and confused?

Hayden means well - find your sparkle - but it still doesn't escape its fundamentally 21st-century productivity-driven cultural roots. And if you look at that and say "hey, she's not stating the whole picture"? Then you might be told you're just bitter.
But it's not, or at least, not entirely. It's also memory; witness; survival.

Anyway, sorry for the long rant.

great insights. having support of any sort, anybody who could love and encourage us has to make a huge difference. Each of us being different, not one of us having the same neurology ends up with comparison of apples to oranges. Messages of affirmation and encouragement are good, but I suspect most messages like this are actually relatable to a certain percentage of those it is aimed at . (like every other self help book on the planet) thanks for the post.