I don't want to be a narcissist

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I was asking for confirmation about people putting private comments in the public arena.
Interestingly, the references to those private messages have been removed.

League_Girl for President.

Indeed, there are times when there is a simple misunderstanding.
But when someone repeats private messages in a public forum, it is klear who the target is.
Surely you would agree.

Sometimes it's human nature to think that people are talking about you when you see a topic come up about a recent disagreement you had with the OP of the topic.

I'm the biggest fan of gossip but posting veiled bitching publicly isn't always acceptable. Talking about it privately is probably the best thing to do.

I've had a post deleted here before for talking about a member without mentioning his name (it wasn't a banned member).
It is best to just avoid hinting about possible members - it's not good to get into speculation, especially publicly, and names will be deduced fairly or unfairly. Especially on a forum like this where some members may have PTSD, social anxiety, RSD, etc. Things are more likely to be taken personally or literally.
If someone is worried that I'm referring to them when I'm not then I'm quite happy to reassure them.

Would you consider this to be "veiled bitching" ?

I started this thread called "Disagreements and Arguments" in LD so I could have a mature conversation about interpersonal dynamics with other ND adults who have relationship experience.


This is where members first stated that I write so clearly they don't know what I mean. This is where the "Isabella is being cryptic" idea originated.



Please let me know where any veiled bitchiness happens, in the thread or the OP:


viewtopic.php?f=6&t=411921&p=9241265&hilit=Disagreements+vs+Arguments#p9241189


Here is my OP post:

The other times when I made "self-deprecating" comments about my own life were in memes and jokes or pictures I found on the internet.

I'm not sure what you mean about speaking to friends privately about any personal matters so that other people won't think my life revolves around them. That doesn't make sense because I do speak to friends. That makes matters worse for people who display signs of paranoia, because they accuse me of being in a clique which is also out to get them, or they complain that I'm posting cryptic "inside jokes" with other members but not them.

The only "cryptic joke" I posted ever was on purpose. I even announced I was going to post something cryptic and I asked if anyone could find it, but no one replied.

The cryptic joke was in Blind Date, where I posted a picture of the children's cartoon "Blue's Clues" as a joke because it had the word "clue" in it.

That's about as far as I've ventured into the land of mind games, unless you count some hieroglyphs I posted to make Recidivist laugh when he was waiting for surgery.

Also, just to clarify.

When I said I was going to stop posting with words, that's because it was the beginning of Lent.


I do a Lenten "sacrifice" every year by giving something up.
I don't tell people what I'm giving up, because it creates more of a personal challenge.


Lent began this year on 23 February. I posted this at two minutes to midnight my time:
(It was before Daylight Savings so the time looks off now.)





viewtopic.php?f=24&t=150214&p=9242322&hilit=To+post+or+not+to+post+that+is+the+question#p9242322



That's why I stopped posting anything but pictures.
The fact it coincided with my "Disagreements and Arguments" thread was a coincidence.
You might say it was "good timing", but I wasn't trying to snub anyone here.


Lent continues until Easter but I gave it up early because of Recidivist's surgery and a couple of people PM'ed me to say they were worried about me, so I explained it to them. I didn't want anyone to think I was being vindictive.

It seemed like my choice of posting pictures and not commenting threw some people into a tailspin, just like they're baffled when I write clear posts.

It’s also interesting how certain people complain about behavior that they themselves are guilty of. After having posts removed because they were obvious personal attacks, they resort to more subtle, more manipulative bullying behavior. When they receive any pushback, they complain and play the victim even though their own behavior was never above reproach, no matter what they may say to the contrary.

Narcissists usually can’t admit to being wrong even when they are presented with valid evidence. They also don’t need evidence to support their own position because they are almost never wrong (in their own minds).

No, you wasn't posting veiled things but it's easy for someone to mistake it for being about them if you had had a recent disagreement with them about some sort of debate or whatever. But it's not about how you wrote it, it's just some people's insecurities get the better of them. Yes, I'm no exception. I let my insecurities/anxiety get the better of me sometimes, without realising.

From my OP post in my "Disagreements and Arguments" thread:




My thread was in Love & Dating.
Sorry Joe, I like you but not in that way.
I wasn't dating you and I wasn't in love with you -- or any other WP member.

I also referred to "relationships", "friends", "casual acquaintances", and "family members".
None of that refers to "recent disagreements about debates" (your words) with WP threads.

I thought about putting it in Social Skills because dating is a social skill.
I decided on L&D because my question was about .... love and dating.

You do realise that in the minds of 'crazies' they will ignore anything that's not relevant to them or change it to make it relevant to them as they believe you are being cryptic - you can't win against 'crazies'

I realise that, but it seems it needs to be reiterated for those who don't.

I hope it's OK to say this Joe, but you messaged me a few months ago, saying you thought I didn't like you or I was upset with you based on posts I'd written. I'm pretty sure it was after all this "cryptic" nonsense began. I told you I wasn't writing about you. I told you and the forum I'm not in a clique, and I don't make catty posts to upset anyone in a passive-aggressive way. If I ever disagree with a person in a WP debate they'll know it because I'll say it clearly.

I'm not known for mincing words when I do disagree with someone, but disagreeing on a debate doesn't mean I start a vendetta or campaign against the person or play mind games with them. I'm an adult, so any amount of "disagreement" I might express on a particular internet topic stays in that thread, and it becomes a healthy debate. I don't get angry with people on the internet because quite frankly none of you matter that much to me and I have my own issues to deal with. WP is a distraction for me. I use it to escape real problems, not to create more.

But sometimes a recent incident can get that user to post about it but they are not specifically talking about that user but about people in general that do that sort of behavior they are ranting about.

Still this isn't all about them. They are not the only person in the world with that behavior. What makes them think they are the only one that does it? What makes them think they were the only ones that ever done it to that user?

You have a point there. I'll try and remember that in future.

Perhaps sometimes, but when the poster has already reassured the offended person several times by PM or on the forum that that it's not about them, it becomes the offended person's job to get over it -- instead of insinuating it's "human nature" or outright saying that people here play mind games based on what they "think" about "recent disagreements" which probably didn't even happen.

When I make threads in LD it's because I want support on relationship issues. You write about your relationship issues with your boyfriend and you say clearly that you're talking about your boyfriend, but you're in a unique situation because you haven't even told your boyfriend you are autistic. That must mean he doesn't know you're posting on here and he's not going to see it or read it.

A huge majority of WP members are more open with their partners. Their partners know they're autistic, or they might even read the site with us or by browsing. The same goes with our other family members. In my case, that's often my daughter who is a member. I can't rant about her directly or when I do, I don't name her as my daughter.

As for L&D I wouldn't have been comfortable making a thread that said "Here's an issue I'm having with MR" ..... because 1) I don't give specific personal details about myself or my life on this site for any topic, and 2) he and I agreed a long time ago that I wouldn't disclose details about HIS LIFE and our relationship on WP whether in PM or on the forum. I don't even confide in my PM friends about relationship issues apart from the basics. If I choose to post something related to our relationship I start by identifying a topic that's relevant, but I don't come right out and say "This is about MR" or "This is exactly what's happening in my life -- sit back and enjoy all the details!"

When I'm posting anything remotely related to him or us, my loyalty and respect are first and foremost for his privacy. If he wanted his life discussed on WP he'd make an account as a person connected to autism through me. He chose not to do that. It's been your choice to doxx your boyfriend's private information about drinking etc., whether he reads it or not, but I don't do that.

When I want to post I also think of my family's privacy. That includes my kids but even my brother and my mum. I've been trolled so much here that some people tried to locate me using various means which would have identified my daughter, my sons, my brother, or even my mum. You don't have kids to worry about, and I don't think you worry about your brother (I think you have one?)

If I seem cryptic, perhaps this is why. It has nothing to do with "veiled bitchiness" or disagreements on the forum, like I've said many times before. I word my queries in a way that will be detailed enough for many members to relate or reply, but general enough that I'm not putting my loved ones at risk. I don't stop to think "Oh no, what will Joe think .....", especially when I've reassured you many times before that IT'S NOT ABOUT YOU.

I hate to say it, but despite everything I've written here today to explain myself, you still replied by making it about yourself. It's even more ironic when my thread in reference was about how to tell the difference between a disagreement and an argument. That concept seems to have been lost here in this thread. You're still saying that any recent disagreements between members have the potential of turning into mind games.

I started my day by writing a long post in this thread. It wasn't easy for me to reflect on the time when I wrote that OP post because of the personal situation which had prompted it. I thought I'd explained well enough, but when I started to write this current post you were still saying "Oh but it's human nature", and referring to "recent disagreements" people have had.

The only recent disagreements I've had with you are about the fact you think we have recent disagreements or that I write veiled bitchy mind game comments about you or other people.

Would you prefer that I say "Yes ... those are all aimed at you .... " when it's not true, or should I continue wasting my time to explain?






I'm the opposite. I hate gossip because it's nearly always based on lies or speculation.





Recidivist posted a picture of a "Veiled Bittch" t-shirt in Blind Date.
I'm saying that now so you won't think it was meant to attack you or be covert mind games.
At this point the term "veiled bitchiness" makes me laugh, because it's so ridiculous.
I assume you'll laugh too.

If and when I do write something with a bit of "tone" related to WP, it's because I'm unveiled.
That's why this is all so ironic.

By the way I use the word ironic when things are ironic.
It's not veiled bitchiness, cryptic messages, or inside jokes.

Sometimes I even post the song because it has a profound, personal connection to my life.








I agree. That's why I don't do it.

If I have something to say to a member I'll message them.
I assume they'd do the same for me.
Unfortunately some people won't respond to me on the forum or on PM.
They're usually happy to report me for "veiled bitchiness" or mind games, however.
That's their choice, but so far they're Batting 0 at proving I've done something wrong.

Well I don't post in L&D much so it's not really up to me to answer that. L&D gets on my nerves so I stay away.

Oh yes, on WP I do talk about people in real life (family, friends, coworkers, etc), but who doesn't? But I know that nobody knows I use this forum, and it would probably take a wild guess for someone to figure out that Joe90 is me, if they read any autism forums at all that is.

But what I said earlier about people making veiled posts about another member, I was talking about people making personal attacks against a member like that.

And I know by now that you don't make veiled posts about people, that's been established and once I've been reassured I back down and tell myself off for being so paranoid.

https://www.mind-diagnostics.org/narcissism-test

How do you score?

I got 5/40.

It's the other prongs of the triad that worry me.