Would you pay for a social coach?

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Huh?! What in that was argumentative?? Most of what I said was agreement with things other people said. Do you just dislike me or something? What did I do?

Maggiedoll, I do not dislike you at all. I didn't want to get into a debate and I'm sorry for expressing my frustration that way.

On a side note: You had been finding fault with my postings on several occasions and I did get somewhat perturbed by it. I don't carry grudges and move on quickly, however, and there were/are no hard feelings on my end.

Take care

In my post that responded to what you said, I agreed with what you said, that's why I got so confused/upset when you responded that I was being argumentative.. I've said a lot that there's trouble telling the difference between "lack of empathy" meaning not knowing how people feel and "lack of empathy" meaning not caring how people feel.. it was more or less what you said, I was just filling in what I see as a semantic issue in the description of AS. (Um.. if that makes sense... Wait, am I being argumentative now in trying to explain that I wasn't being argumentative? But I find fault with my own postings all the time, too.. Okay, now I think I'm babbling.. but I'm sorry I perturbed you.)

No, don't be, it happens. We are all human and that's allowed.

Before I'd pay for something like that, I'd have to convince myself that having a better understanding would increase my enjoyment of social activities. Just because something is understandable doesn't mean it will be enjoyable.

I'm starting to think that perhaps I do get argumentative to continue a topic. If someone says something, the ways I know of to respond are to agree completely, to agree and elaborate, or to dispute some point within what was said. (Of course, the disputing a point doesn't mean disagreeing on the whole topic, just on whatever point it is that I disputed. I could agree with a principle or an idea, but still disagree about some detail, or about how the conclusion was reached, and ask someone to clarify that, or to discuss why the process was different, or something like that.)

As soon as I read that, my immediate reaction was that I should explain why there's no reason that I shouldn't be sorry for having perturbed you. But then I was like "wait.. that would be arguing!" Of course, I also tend to spend a lot of time defending my reasons for apologizing for things anyway. I apologize for stupid stuff all the time and Kris always looks at me funny when I do, so I've gotten into the habit of defending that I really do have reason to apologize. So still at the risk of being argumentative.. why shouldn't I be sorry for saying something that upset somebody? Overwhelming guilt and shame would be excessive and not a good reaction to accidentally offending somebody, but there's no reason not to be sorry and to apologize for it, is there?

Can you find someone else to quarrel with then? I know several people on here who like to give it a go. I have my viewpoint and opinions. I think them through over a long period of time to see if they hold true. If someone doesn't agree with it, that's okay. When it comes to walls and walls of text, I get overwhelmed on a sensory level. Sometimes I can read through, other times it's too much. Picking people's words apart bit by bit seems fruitless and just argumentative for the sake of arguing as mentioned before. That isn't my interest. So, from now on if you latch onto something I say and try to pick it apart this way, I will simply ignore it as I see it would be a waste of time anyway with someone who just wants to find the smallest things to have words about.

I disagree totally. I am 43 and have never learned social skills sufficiently to cope with most situations. If I was going to learn them "slowly", I think I would have done it by now.

I think the biggest variable in this is how impaired is the individual (ie where on the spectrum are they). For people who are borderline AS, you might be right, to a degree but with people like myself who are more impaired, there was just no way I was ever going to learn social skill by myself at any rate.

For this reason, I do not consider the idea of a Social Skills Coach "silly". If it could help those Aspies that need it, then this would be a good thing.

To answer the question posed by the OP - if I could find someone reputable in the field, I would definitely pay for a social skills coach.

I don't think it's necessarily a quarrel. I do tend to repeat myself a lot, hoping that one of those times I'll find the right words to express whatever it is I'm trying to say correctly.
But I think a lot of times the word-picking can be the opposite of arguing, to say that the reason for a confusion is one word being used to mean two different things, or different words being used to mean the same thing. Is it arguing to say that a disagreement is semantic and therefore not a disagreement at all? That doesn't feel like an argument to me, I'm not trying to argue.. a lot of the time I'm trying to agree.

But now I'm babbling again, I guess..

Edit: Okay, so here's my real question.. is there anything you can think of that I can do about it? You don't have to answer now or anything.. but if you notice something, or think of something, that might help me not to come off as so argumentative, or notice specific things that I say (or ways that I say things) that make you feel defensive, could you please let me know?

Last edited by Maggiedoll on 30 Dec 2009, 11:45 pm, edited 1 time in total.

Hi Guys,

I Googled "social skills" and the following link (among others) came up. I have not read it at great depth yet but I would be interested in seeing what anyone else thinks.......

http://www.succeedsocially.com/

Any comments - is there useful infor here?

Regards

Rob

Re: succeedsocially site.

Lots of good tips there, but I can't keep that stuff straight in my head when I'm out in the world. I have no way of ordering and organizing it. I could get my husband to read it for me, observe me, and we could talk about it later. It would be like having a teacher or helper. But alone, it's just more info for me to juggle and get confused.

Great idea. I have often had the idea that if I had a partner, she would be able to play this mentoring role for me. Of course, if I had the social skills to get a girlfriend, I wouldn't need the mentoring in the first place. What comes first, the chicken or the egg?


I tend to find that. I tend to read a little, think about it and then try to put it into action.

I don't think I would be convinced enough that it would work to invest money in the cause. I think you would also get overwhelmed at all the things they would be pointing out as things you are doing wrong. I think it's better to have a friend you trust point out one or two things to work on every so often... much less threatening and if people really care about you they may be willing to help in that capacity.

You know, I just might. But the world of socialization is broad, so what might help one person might seem too obvious to be of any help to another. If the coach specialized in certain aspects of socializing, it might work out.

Even though it says that part of the point of that site is to help people with autism spectrum disorders (among other things) I think it's written for "shy, awkward" people of the primarily neurotypical variety. It looks to me like a lot of the same "go out there and meet people!" or "start a conversation with someone" type advice that just isn't all that useful.
I used to think I probably had a personality disorder, and so I approached it from that angle for a long time-- trying to let go of insecurities, be friendly, start conversations.. yadda yadda yadda. It all backfired because, unlike the avoidant person whose social problem is that they THINK they're socially inept, I am socially inept, so no amount of confidence is going to make me succeed socially, and no amount of trying to be friendly and starting conversations is going to win me friends, because I just don't get that stuff. There's a lot on that site about moderation, but there's no real way to know what moderate is if you can't tell. I have no clue how to show the "correct" amount of interest in someone so that I can express that I like them without seeming like a stalker. Expressing the right amount that they know that I think there interest but that I'm not hitting on them? It's not something I'm going to be able to figure out. I might get it right occasionally, but to get it right consistently enough that I'm able to maintain anything? Yea, right. I'm not going to succeed socially with anybody who isn't as socially inept as I am.

> I have often had the idea that if I had a partner, she would be able to play this mentoring role for me. Of course, if I had the social skills to get a girlfriend, I wouldn't need the mentoring in the first place.

I can see your point, if getting a gf is the purpose of social skills. For you, that may be the top priority right now.

Despite being in my 40s, however, and having found my even more aspie than me husband on the net, I still have mysterious issues that cause serious problems. By my age, and with the kinds of responsibilities I've had and the kinds of things I take on at times, more is expected socially than from someone young or someone who works in a relatively menial job. It is very helpful to have someone who can give meaningful feedback, even if he is not supremely socially savvy himself. He does a little better than me in the social world, and so I take advantage of his advice.