Should parents have to "change" things for us

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Thank you for the well thought out reply. Reading it over, and giving it some thought, he is auditory-sensitive and defensive, and so it could be the different noise it makes against the cheesy shower curtains in the hotels (although we go to 4* hotels generally) vs. his shower which has glass doors. In addition, the kids bathroom is huge, you could almost have a cocktail party in there! Bathrooms in hotels generally require you to close the door before sitting or risk losing your kneecaps.

I will have to try and talk to him about it. We are going for a one-nighter next month, and would like to have him clean for day 2 of the trip. he's at that age where the hormones are starting to kick in and YUCK. Clearly he has no olafactory sensitivities!

Thank you for sharing such great insights and info!

Should parents have to change things?

My HFA is my youngest and I have two older children who are now grown and gone. Over the last few decades of my parenting career I think the biggest challenge has been learning that #3 is different.

We learn parenting from our parents and children really aren't given much authority or more than a cursory interest beyond the *do as I say* parenting part or, some of you may remember *children should be seen and not heard.* We expect all of our children to one day grow up, get a job and pay their own rent but my parenting experience (as learned from my parents) doesn't really prepare kids for that future if all we expect from them is to behave and do as they are told until age 18 or 21.

Suddenly my world got turned upside down - Executive function? stimming? sensory issues? That wasn't part of my vocabulary until last summer. I knew he was hyper, I knew he was different, but it never occurred to me he was wired this way.

Maybe I'm just too tired of parenting to fight the battles I fought as a young mom but I've found that it's easier to work with my youngest rather than expect him to conform to a preconceived code of conduct.

Should we parents change? Maybe, maybe not - I guess it just depends on whether parents want to fight the battles until they lose the war. Or, that's what we've found here. We could fight, fight, fight and it wouldn't matter. He is the way he is.

Now that we are living with him and trying to understand him, our home is far more peaceful.

I most likely have AS myself and have lots of sensory issues and my opinions are often "corrected" on some of the other parent support groups (lol). Sometimes on those groups I think there are well intentioned people with little concept of what is going on. I think it is great that you are paying attention to your sons needs and not trying some cookie cutter parenting methods. Preparing your child for adulthood is a process - forcing them into a preconceived code of conduct without them being aware of the meaning behind the behavior may work in the short term (conformity) but I'm not sure how it works out better for them in the long run. My son is 8 and still has behavior issues, but not nearly as much as when he was 4 because he has matured and is learning coping skills. I don't think he would have made as much progress if we had gone the discipline, discipline , discipline route. The physical aspect of ASD is underestimated and alot of parents still seem to focus on it as a psychological problem. When people see it that way they think that you are giving into the child's behavior if you provide alternatives or make accomodations.

I also homeschool both of my kids. My son with AS loves to learn and I incorporate his obsessions into the learning instead of fighting against them. We got alot of mileage out of interest in currency. And by doing that also opens the doors for other interests. Generally my son interests switch after he has exhausted information on a subject. However, if we had tried to stop the interest than we would have become entagled in a power struggle. But, I know there are those who think that giving into the obsessions only encourages them. One thing too is that I feel like some of the "success" stories people have about getting rid of behaviors is only because the kid has learned that they are unacceptable and are better at hiding them. Which is something I think an AS kid can learn to do as they get older if they feel inadequate.

All three of my boys fight when it comes to showering, even at home.
My oldest, 11, has finally stopped screaming all the way through it but won't wash his own hair for fear he'll get soap in his eyes. Last week his entire fifth grade went to camp for a week as part of a school program they've been doing for 27 yrs. Luckily I had already planned on going with him long before we got his official diagnosis 2 mos. ago and they had some great leaders (except for his specific teacher) who were very understanding about things. I was able to use one of the adult cabins that had a private shower to help him bathe, if that hadn't been available I don't know what I would have done.
My 8 and 6 yr olds both hide from me at bath time with the younger one literally screaming the entire time. He acts as if his flesh is being burned. He will take a bath, instead of a shower, with out any problems but he has eczema that is made worse when he soaks in soapy water, so we try to avoid that. And just for fun, his screaming usually gets my 2yr old daughter going too.

The hardest part for me is that I've known since my oldest was 3 or 4 that he was "different" I just didn't know why or have the proof to get anyone else to acknowledge it. My husband has had an awful time accepting that most times it is easier to work around their quirks not fight them.
My sister discribes her parenting technique as "I'm following this straight path in front of me, if you want to join me, please do, otherwise you'll get left left behind or run over."
I describe mine as more winding road, the path of least resistance. I had a lousy childhood, and maybe I'm babying my kids but I would rather protect them from as much harassment as possible (at home & school) than force them to be tortured for the sake of "growing up".

I don't know if this appeals to many with AS or autistic tendencies, but I can say personally that I know the feeling of intense and deep withdrawal. And it is a welcoming feeling. It is a feeling of relief, safety and deep emotional hibernation. I can understand why parents would be concerned if they thought their kids were doing this, because it is not going to get anyone anywhere later in life.

When I was younger, all I wanted to do was be by myself. I sort of liked school on many occasions, but I hated the social aspect of it. I would never participate in recess or things like that, usually sitting against a wall to read a book. Of course, this was in a public school setting, and I was in either an ED or NI class, so the teachers weren't the major problem. The students were. The bullying became so extreme, that I was taken out of the public school setting and into a private school for gifted children. There, things were a lot better. But I still had a tendency to withdraw.

I withdrew so deep when I was about 14 or 15, that my parents decided to hospitalize me. They were scared, understandably. I liked the relief I felt from evading all social interaction, sitting in my room while playing with the computer or reading books. I just refused to come out for anything. I'd go outside, but it had to be on my terms and by myself. I'd go to school, do what I had to do, even enjoy that aspect of life. Things seemed more joyous at school, because at home, my parents were always expressing concern about my behavior. They didn't like the idea that I liked to spend all afternoon and night all by myself. And then, when the deep withdrawal broke, after hospitalization for two weeks (they called it a major depressive episode), I started getting extremely close to my mother. And then she started worrying that this sort of closeness was abnormal. Still, though, the feeling to withdraw was always there.

Even now, when I'm 31 and currently living with my parents, and thinking seriously about moving, I have like a goal to live alone in a house, apartment or condominium somewhere. I'd go to work and come home, with nobody else to bother me. I'd likely have an AS support group, which I'm currently in the process of joining, to help handle imbalanced emotional states and to help foster communication that is easier.

I don't know how parents should handle this. Humans are typically social creatures, and most of us tend to crave it, especially in regards to families. If the withdrawal interferes with progress and school work, then that is definitely an issue.

If I have kids, which is something I never plan on (I'd never be able to handle it), I would try to get them to have a family session at least once a night. It's never easy; It wasn't for me. My social skills would never have improved if it wasn't for such things.

- Ray M -

Unless it is the result of a subconsciously-driven fear, he is probably afraid to communicate the problem. It may be because he thinks the problem is strange and / or personal, or it could be because he is afraid to change the routine, so he refuses to talk about it. I doubt if it's a security issue, because I would assume he'd probably refuse to do other things elsewhere, such as sleeping in another bed. The problem could be something very simplistic that you would most likely overlook or not even think about. It could be that he adores a certain smell, a certain color, or the way the shower stall is set up.

I am rigid with many things, but not nearly as that drastic. And I can say that when I sleep at night, I have to be covered with at least one quilt, if not two, covering my shoulders to my feet. And I do not like to use any other quilt nor pillows but my own. It has a lot to do with a specific smell in my case, something that most people would most definitely overlook. I once had a brown quilt, like five years ago, that began to rip. I tried everything to stop it from ripping, including using tape and staples. Eventually, the rip got too big that the entire thing became uncomfortable. I got a little upset and ripped the thing wide open. I then had to get another quilt, so that is what I did. It took me a few days to fully get used to it. And I like quilts with a certain texture, with the fabric being very smooth. I sort of don't like the experience of certain fabrics against my fingernails or toenails for some reason. I'm not as drastic as others, since I will use other quilts in hotel rooms, even though I might not like them.

- Ray M -

I think damage could be done if parents or any other personnel try at length to get rid of these obsessions. They are what defines us, and they are not behaviors but rather preoccupations. I've never had that happen to me, thankfully, though I've learned over time to minimize lengthy discussions that sort of don't get others' interests. If the obsession begins to rule a child's life, then it may be of concern, but again it is hard to tell when an obsession takes a ruling status. It may seem to an NT that what we consider just a slight preoccupation is an all-out obsession. I don't think an obsession takes a ruling status unless the mood or behavior takes on a drastic change when attempting to steer clear of such an obsession, just for even an hour or so.

If you have an AS child, you're likely to witness very deep obsessions. At the same time, these obsessions can become very useful in later life. It can pave the way for a career. By attempting to remove these obsessions as a child, you could do more damage than good in the long run.

- Ray M -