How do you handle being so different?

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Ditto.

It will suck -- but you can succeed!

Companion animals are great for building your self-confidence--they know how to love the "real' you until you learn to do so on your own.

Hey, I've just joined this site today and this was the first place I came to. I am in the exact same boat as the OP; I'm gay, have aspergers and I actually think I have negative self esteem lol. In a nut shell I have a lot of the same self esteem/confidence issue's that most people with AS experience. I have never been in a relationship, I am so afraid of being in one that just thinking about it makes me feel queezy yet all I seem to yearn lately is companionship, but I have no idea what I am doing. There's a few things that seem to help me get by and maybe they can help you.

1) If you can wing it like someone else previously posted the do it! I'm much better at blagging my way through things after I have had a beer but obviously that's not practical in everyday situations.
2) I exercise a lot, mostly because I want to be in shape for that phantom boyfriend I don't have but going for a run a few times a week is chemically guaranteed to make you feel at least a bit better.
3) I know I'm a good person and I know for a fact that if I ever meet someone that I would be a good, caring boyfriend but it's just the meeting part that's the issue. Take solace in your personality (I'm asuming your a nice guy there )
4) I've recently told people that I have AS. I used to be very secretive about it because I frankly didn't need the judgement from others but I've noticed that people don't care that I have AS as everyone else has their own issues and insecurities themselves, at least we know what ours are and where they come from. In the same way that I thought people would shun me when they found out I was gay; they didn't. If one of your friends came up to you and admitted to you that they had [insert generic medical disorder here] would you think any less of them? Embrace the fact that you are a bit different from others otherwise you will be your own worst enemy. My friends appreciated my honesty and there's less of a weight on my shoulders now I don't constantly have to hold it in.
5) Above all I try and remain positive. I am 'actively' (in a very lazy way lol) looking for a partner by letting my friends know I am finally willing to date and by trying to find friendship/a relationship online with someone in my own area by whatever means I can. I really want this to happen and I am nervous but excited because I know my life can completely change if I find the right guy to share my life with.

I don't know if any of this will help but I hope it does. If it's ANY consolation, you are not the only person who feels this way. Post back and let us know how things go.

It's a harsh worl but I think jsut being who you are is the best response.

I am a high functioning autistic and gay. I understand how you feel. There are people in this world who accept you no matter what. Think positive The people who don't accept you aren't worth associating with. You are worth being accepted just like every other person with aspergers, homosexuality, high functioning autism, and other differences. It's better to live the true life than to live the false life. I understand just like everyone else on here. Overall, Be proud of who you are. Smile for living life and being different

I knew I was different all my life due to physical disabilities in addition to my AS that noon was aware of or let alone understood. I dealt with being different by withdrawing from others & the outside world.; it's aLOT safer. I've gotten lot less withdrawn the last few years but I don't really have any offline friends that I hang-out with or anything.

Tema, when you ask this question, do you find yourself more worried about being gay among aspies, or about being an aspie among gays?

I wish that were the case where I am the last time one of the girls in the group who is asexual talked about going to a pride event in the city one the the members groaned and voiced his opinion about not going to an event like that and groaned some more so you would think some in an aspie groupd would be more accepting but there re a few that still forget they were treated differently by others that do not understand their AS and now are doing to people they do not understand.

I have a problem in both worlds because I am not accepted for my differences sometimes in both worlds and sometimes need guidance but I have no real friends that can help me with that.

I've always known that I've been different with regard to numerous areas of my personality. But with my sexuality?

First, I denied it. For years.

Then, about one year ago, I decided to accept it, after a combination of various events in my strictly-heterosexual dating life, including troubles with women that ultimately led to revelations of new things about my personality that I hadn't previously fully investigated, combined with a couple instances where I felt especially strong senses of attraction for a man or two I had encountered (but did not pursue) who I suspected felt the same way toward me. Though I did not feel alarmed, I dismissed it and forgot about it almost instantly after. It's as if, for some strange reason, my brain instantly categorized the prospect of me being bisexual as ridiculous or completely unimportant, despite the fact that (in retrospect), I was showing all the signs. I could go into to detail about some of the events I experienced that led me to the discovery of my full sexuality, but I'll keep it short by saying that the pieces were falling together at an increasing pace.

Since accepting my actual sexuality and overcoming the psychological barriers that blocked me from it, I've been on a couple dates, but haven't been very good about maintaining social interaction (that whole being-an-Aspie thing is really good at getting in the way right when I don't need it to), so the dates and general progress with my various romantic interests have been sparser than I would like.

But that's how I "handle being so different" with regard to my sexuality AND to generally any other area of my life. By dealing with it at a pace that I can handle, and by accepting myself and my life for what it is, while doing the best I can not to worry about how me or my life are similar or dissimilar from anyone else or their lives.

I've been thinking about this too, and the way I figure it, the way to cope with being very different is to live an unconventional lifestyle, filled with unusual people and uncommon focuses. Say if you're aspie, transgendered, queer, black, Pagan, working-class, and have a physical disability, you're going to feel like a freak trying to fit into a neurotypical, cisgendered, heteronormative, Christian, middle-class and able-bodied environment. But if you're say, part of an AS awareness group and know other aspies, you have aa good share of gay/bi/queer/gender-variant friends, you go to a circle every high day and volunteer with a homeless shelter, you're going to feel like less of a weirdo. Just an example.

It may disqualify my comment that I used to be gay because of father issues.

I just look at my past and realise that I was looking to homosexual relationships from inability to navigate how women communicate. They can be extremely abstract.

For instance, let's say they mention wanting to go someplace nice. This emans they expect you to have a good spot based on their personality. Some of this is unspoken. Other times they may criticize with "this is where you brign me?"

Dating is a mess for both, however. I think that by nature we are able to love any gender and that we are meant to follow how we were nurtured. My mother was extremely manipulative. This led to my fear of women and trust in men. I think many with Aspergers' that have not understanding parents (I lack a better word currently) tend to internalize the shame, and which parent it is can be pretty decisive.

Environmental factors > genetic factors

Extremely well put. First of all I appreciate that everyone's circumstances are different. It may be difficult to get in to this mindset but once you are there you feel much less of a burden on yourself. You become more accepting and think more positively about your own life and do not try and rush to fit in to something you may not be able to fit in to. It may sound like a bunch of cheesy new age nonsense but this really does work (coming from the apathetic atheist). Acceptance of yourself (including; what you can and cannot do with regards to society, how you really feel about each gender and the acceptance that if you are not being yourself then you will be forever forced to 'fake it') and positive thinking can make a massive difference.

I suffered with terrible self-esteem for years, but that was mostly the ASD. I was different, I was alienated, I was lonely. I didn't realise I was gay until I was 20, and if anything I think this boosted my self-esteem. But I don't think I'd have been able to work that out unless I'd already started building on my confidence.

Tambourine-Man is quite right. You won't get positive feedback from other people unless they see you as positive about yourself, so you need to work on that first. For me, this happened at 16. I found a book in the local library by a lady called Susan Jeffers - "Feel the Fear and Do It Anyway". I've actually bought a new copy in the last few years. I recommend it.

I started to love myself. It's too easy to look in the mirror and hate what you see. I started to be nice to it. Scrawny, pale teenager with glasses and no fashion sense - I saw him as someone who needed a friend. Try telling your reflection that you think you're a great guy. Just you, no-one else around to hear. It's TOUGH.

I still have my down days. But not so often. I tell myself that I'm amazing and talented and handsome and intelligent. It's all true. Even the handsome part. I actually look better than I used to purely because I like myself more. Can't really explain that.

It is hard to cope with being so different, and somedays are harder than others. But you need to know that Uou Are Who You Are. No one can change that about you. There are always people out there who won't understand you, but there are so many more people that do.
You don't need to think negatively about yourself; that won't get you anywhere. Everyone is beautiful in their own special way and there is someone out there for everyone. Love yourself and don't care what other people think. It takes a long time to learn how to do that, but in the long run, it will make you feel so much better that you don't have to bother with what others think. So be yourself and love yourself and it will take you far. (: <3

I have tried to be positive in interaction with other people-they still turn away and ignore even if I have a good attitude about myself because I am not good looking and people in the gay word can be superficial sometimes and want either perfection or wham bam thank you ma'am sex.Actually happened to a friend I went to a potluck picnic with that I thought I was getting along with and progressing forward with but I didn't have red hair even though this guy was bigger than me and he was very forceful on a first date and you can guess what happened. How do I keep my self esteem up after that especially when I ask this friend what was the problem with me and says "its your looks and personality" after a year of hanging out and developing feeling towards them.

First, you need to be positive about yourself. The very fact you say you are not good looking shows you're down on yourself.

Second, you're going for the wrong guys. The superficial queens can be very picky and turn someone down for the flimsiest of reasons. If you're just out for meaningless sex, then fine. Otherwise, they're not worth it.



You've lost me on the red hair.



Looks are easy to change. That's down to three things - clothes, hair and face. The first two are easily fixed. The third is partly decoration and partly expression. I'm not surprised I hated to look at myself as a young teenager, given my penchant for a duffel coat, shell suits and the most enormous glasses you can imagine. I looked terrible. I also had a great dislike of electric shavers at the hairdressers, so I constantly had scissor cuts and my hair was unstyled and messy. By the time I went to University I'd started wearing sensible clothes and traded my glasses in for something more subtle and stylish. I looked much better for it. As for the face - try smiling, It's astonishingly effective.

"Personality" is vague and unhelpful. Your general outlook on life is something you can and should change. If you can build up your self-esteem to the point that you don't care what other people think of you, then you'll be doing well. It's not about personality. It's about confidence. No-one is going to be interested in a long term relationship without getting something out of it. Self-loathing and misery aren't strong sellers.