AstroGeek wrote:
First, I am posting this in the LGBT Forum because 1) it was a post of visagrunt's here that got me thinking about, 2) these things are much more common among gay men than within the straight world and 3) I am gay myself, so that is the context I am thinking of this in.
Now, this is probably mostly my upbringing speaking (my mother can be safely described as a moralist, and some of it inevitably rubbed off), but I do not understand why people would go for causal sex, let alone an open relationship. To me sex is something special, that you'd only do with someone you care about. (Note: I am a virgin.) The thought of doing it with someone you don't really know is just...weird. I'd never be able to feel comfortable doing that. A great deal of that comes from my AS, I think; I don't like being touched by people I don't know, I'm really self-conscious, and can only open up to people that I really trust. There's also the fact that I tend to worry about, well, everything, so I could never be comfortable about the risk of STDs. But there is also an ingrained feeling that casual sex is wrong. It isn't logical, of course, but there it is.
Open relationships make even less sense to me. I guess part of it comes from the idea that a relationship involves commitment, which involved monogamy. I know that the logic doesn't exactly flow there, but those are sort of the ingrained thoughts from my upbringing. I guess there is also a part of me that isn't really comfortable with sex and sexuality (although I'm by no means asexual). So the thought of sleeping around just doesn't seem right. As part of that I suppose I tend to think of sex as not something that makes too big a part of a mature, responsible adult's life. Within that context I can easily accept and understand sex with a life partner, but the thought of an open relationship is simply bizarre. It simply doesn't fit with my idea of How Things Should Be (there's the moralist in me speaking again). There is also the fact that I don't understand how anyone could ever be comfortable with their partner sleeping with other people. That's the jealous and possessive streak in me talking--probably one of my most unpleasant characteristics. And once again I come to the issue of STDs. How can you be properly romantic with your partner (despite incredible cynicism there is a romantic part of me) if you have to worry about diseases?
So I guess in short, due to my moralist upbringing, the more neurotic quirks of my personality, and a romantic concept of how things should work, the whole concept of casual sex and open relationships seems incomprehensible to me. Could someone explain it a bit?
Edit: I realized a few minutes after posting this that a big reason I wrote it was to express some of the thoughts that have been bothering me lately. I find doing that helps a lot to get things off my mind.
I relate completely, but not because of upbringing -- my parents were hippies...yeah...you can fill in the blanks. Anyway, as a lesbian, I find it so hard to relate to the casual, superficial, overly-sexual culture that both LGBT and straight society seems to be marinated in. To each their own, but personally, the idea bothers me and makes me feel like I've lost all respect and hope for people... Recently, I did kind of realize something (with the help of some research) and perhaps it could enlighten you?
Let me start by saying I don't judge. This is just what I've learned from reading and from experience. To each their own...
So, some people work on the principle that what gives them satisfaction -- think deep, serious satisfaction -- comes from outside themselves. This would include social interaction, sex, wealth (involves standing compared to others), power (involves control over others), etc. Other people work on the principle that what gives them satisfaction comes from inside of themselves -- love (a subjective feeling), other subjective emotions, self-learning, self-betterment, meditation, potentially non-social activities like hiking, running, bird-watching, martial arts (some are suitable for solo practitioners), etc.
Those focused on the external could be called extroverts whereas those who focus on the internal could be called introverts. Now, these people are two sides of the same coin and while they can contribute to each other's groups, at the same time, someone who is an introvert is likely to find no more satisfaction in clubbing than an extrovert would find reading a book at a coffee house, quietly. One lifestyle is focused more on the ideas and feelings and activities of the group whereas the other is focused on the ideas, feelings, and activities of the individual. Extroverts I've known have been more inclined to be social, sexual, and less self-learned, self-focused, etc. Whereas introverts I've known have considerably fewer friends (not for lack of social skills but because they don't need/want as many), they prefer quieter activities, love as their goal in pursuing a relationship (sex is an expression of love, not the point of things), and they're more focused on self-learning, etc.
That said, one only has to look at the TV to see that there are more extroverts. Nearly everything is geared towards them. Why? Well, probably because extroverts look more to others than introverts do and as commercials can't be made of you telling yourself to buy something and broadcast into your head, the focus is on having one person tell another person to buy something -- which is much more suitable for those who look outside themselves for satisfaction. In addition, because extroverts are more social, there's more yearning for them to connect to each other. Introverts are more internally-driven and seek things that don't involve others as much -- thus the focus on love (a subjective feeling) as opposed to sex (an objective experience).
And, just like there is an autism spectrum, there is also an introvert/extrovert spectrum and we're all probably somewhere on it...
It's unfortunate for introverts to be in a less-social position to begin with and then on top of that, to be inundated with all this more extrovert-targeted media attention. Personally, I wish I could meet more introverts but there's no social get-together for people who aren't social (you see the contradiction here?).
I hope this helps in some way...perhaps at least you can feel less alone. Because you're not alone. There are plenty of us out here who feel the same way about the things you mentioned as you do.
28 Nov 2012, 4:17 pm
i feel like a cat watching humans open and close doors as though by magic. 
