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LookingLost
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28 May 2014, 1:18 pm

mrspotatohead wrote:
I've noticed that many days when I try to comment on something or show interest people often think I'm being judgmental when I'm just making a casual observation. I'm actually trying to be friendly, but when I try to explain that, often they think I'm being defensive and waffling on what I said. It's like once they believe they're being judged, most people are unwilling to consider that they may be mistaken about it.


^ Me too. I don't know how to appear interested/as though am engaging with the world and people in it because trying to do that seems to result in what looks to people like disagreement, negativity, cynicism, or as though I'm dominating the conversation or something.


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Shadi2
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28 May 2014, 1:59 pm

Toy_Soldier wrote:
I guess I am in the camp that thinks what you describe are manifestations of human nature not autistic nature.


I agree with this.

And I rarely have this kind of thought.

For example, let's say I write an email to one of my cousins - I have many of them - and he/she doesn't reply to me; sure it may be upsetting (to a point), but if this thought crosses my mind "he/she doesn't care", right away I also have this other thought "ok I wish he/she would have replied to me, but honestly I don't really care about him/her either" lol, I try to be honest with myself. To continue with the same example: in all honesty I rarely even think about my cousins, I'm just upset because I sent an email and he/she didn't reply, and that's about it. (p.s. I rarely communicate with my cousins, except one of them with whom I get along really well, and this one always replies to me, if anything it is me who sometimes don't reply to him)


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Joe90
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28 May 2014, 3:22 pm

I find I'm the opposite; I blame myself on things instead of the other people.


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28 May 2014, 3:49 pm

After reading the responses here, I guess my old "friend" was self righteous because he would get upset if I didn't talk enough or didn't know what to say or talk about. Then he would throw himself a "I am so boring" party and then sign off. Then other times he would call me arrogant for not talking enough or not saying anything. I am glad we don't talk anymore.

I remember hearing in the news online about a woman hitting a cyclist while texting and she got mad at the cyclist for the damage on her car and was not even concerned about how hurt she is and if she will be okay or not. Self righteous? She blamed the cyclist than herself and she was the one texting and she denied she was doing that.

I also get upset with no reply and I always think I did something wrong. I try and wait a few days and also look at when they were last on the forum. I was talking to someone on another website and she had added me to her friends and she was asking me questions about me and I decided to ask her some back after reading her profile because I got curious and I figured it would be okay to ask her because she was asking me about me. After that reply, I never heard back from her and I saw she was on the website ever since so I waited and then eight days had passed since my last reply and I saw she still had me on her friends so I decided to remove her as a friend. I just figured she was mad at me and I did something wrong and she never bothered taking me off her friends so I did it for her and felt better. It was driving me crazy and making me feel like I was going to have a ,meltdown and I have dealt with enough of that from other people. Besides would I really want t be friends with someone who doesn't even want to bother answering my questions if she is asking me some herself? How fair is that?


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Sweetleaf
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28 May 2014, 8:37 pm

I've never really thought of myself as being self-righteous....I've been accused of blaming people for stuff that was supposedly my fault when it legitimately has to do with other people. For instance once a couple kids where bullying me in the lunch line and taunting me to try to push them over so I pushed them just the right way the whole line fell and the teacher wouldn't listen when I told my side also I was the smallest person there and I'm a girl they where boys and the one doing that was much bigger than me...but yeah it would have never happened if it wasnt for that....so yeah I did do the pushing but the kids bullying me played a role in it as well.

Sometimes I also get upset and lose sight of the effect on other people, like might say the wrong things or this or that or just not get why no one really gets why I am upset and just thinks I am being dramatic. Or I have a hard time getting over if I lose something(I lose stuff a lot) so its hard not to complain about it to the point it annoys people understandably because there is nothing they can do aside help me look or keep an eye out for it which they usually do then I might still be going on about it but I am really trying not to do that and deal with losing stuff in a less annoying way.

I do actually care about other people and am intrested in them, though it can be hard to express...but its really a lack of care or intrest, just communication difficulties.


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hyena
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28 May 2014, 10:03 pm

This is what I am talking about. I am like that too. Someone does something I often do to others and I am like: fine if she/he wants to behave that way so be it, I don't care about her/him either. I recall I sent my cousin an email and she did not reply, and I was like: okayyy, so long... lol

I have noticed that there are sometimes things I don't like about other aspies only to realize I am like that too. The self-righteousness is the double standard, and the spite is the tit-for-tat attitude when the other person likely never meant any offence.

Shadi2 wrote:
Toy_Soldier wrote:
I guess I am in the camp that thinks what you describe are manifestations of human nature not autistic nature.


I agree with this.

And I rarely have this kind of thought.

For example, let's say I write an email to one of my cousins - I have many of them - and he/she doesn't reply to me; sure it may be upsetting (to a point), but if this thought crosses my mind "he/she doesn't care", right away I also have this other thought "ok I wish he/she would have replied to me, but honestly I don't really care about him/her either" lol, I try to be honest with myself. To continue with the same example: in all honesty I rarely even think about my cousins, I'm just upset because I sent an email and he/she didn't reply, and that's about it. (p.s. I rarely communicate with my cousins, except one of them with whom I get along really well, and this one always replies to me, if anything it is me who sometimes don't reply to him)



hyena
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28 May 2014, 10:21 pm

I apologize if this is inappropriate but I think you are adorable. I had to tell you :)

I have a similar story regarding taking the blame while not doing anything wrong. When I was 3 or 4 I was at kindergarten and one of the kids pushed another kid and he got a nosebleed. When the teacher came over he blamed me, so she separated me from the other kids and put me in an area by myself. When i went home I told my father what happened and then told him I would bend the kid that blamed me in half the next time I saw him. He said: no, you can't do that, you should not be violent. I replied: we'll see about that! For some reason my parents never took me back there lol It was the first injustice I experienced :D

Sweetleaf wrote:
I've never really thought of myself as being self-righteous....I've been accused of blaming people for stuff that was supposedly my fault when it legitimately has to do with other people. For instance once a couple kids where bullying me in the lunch line and taunting me to try to push them over so I pushed them just the right way the whole line fell and the teacher wouldn't listen when I told my side also I was the smallest person there and I'm a girl they where boys and the one doing that was much bigger than me...but yeah it would have never happened if it wasnt for that....so yeah I did do the pushing but the kids bullying me played a role in it as well.

Sometimes I also get upset and lose sight of the effect on other people, like might say the wrong things or this or that or just not get why no one really gets why I am upset and just thinks I am being dramatic. Or I have a hard time getting over if I lose something(I lose stuff a lot) so its hard not to complain about it to the point it annoys people understandably because there is nothing they can do aside help me look or keep an eye out for it which they usually do then I might still be going on about it but I am really trying not to do that and deal with losing stuff in a less annoying way.

I do actually care about other people and am intrested in them, though it can be hard to express...but its really a lack of care or intrest, just communication difficulties.



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28 May 2014, 11:24 pm

Shadi2 wrote:
For example, let's say I write an email to one of my cousins - I have many of them - and he/she doesn't reply to me; sure it may be upsetting (to a point), but if this thought crosses my mind "he/she doesn't care", right away I also have this other thought "ok I wish he/she would have replied to me, but honestly I don't really care about him/her either" lol, I try to be honest with myself. To continue with the same example: in all honesty I rarely even think about my cousins, I'm just upset because I sent an email and he/she didn't reply, and that's about it. (p.s. I rarely communicate with my cousins, except one of them with whom I get along really well, and this one always replies to me, if anything it is me who sometimes don't reply to him)

I have never been close with my cousins and we mutually don't care about each other, but we're still related so I expect them to reply when I message them (which is extremely rarely, I might add; it's not like I spam them). One of my cousins has ignored the 2-3 emails I sent him over a few years, and if he sent me a message now, I'd just delete it. I wouldn't waste my time on someone who didn't reply to my mails.


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Shadi2
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28 May 2014, 11:57 pm

Skilpadde wrote:
Shadi2 wrote:
For example, let's say I write an email to one of my cousins - I have many of them - and he/she doesn't reply to me; sure it may be upsetting (to a point), but if this thought crosses my mind "he/she doesn't care", right away I also have this other thought "ok I wish he/she would have replied to me, but honestly I don't really care about him/her either" lol, I try to be honest with myself. To continue with the same example: in all honesty I rarely even think about my cousins, I'm just upset because I sent an email and he/she didn't reply, and that's about it. (p.s. I rarely communicate with my cousins, except one of them with whom I get along really well, and this one always replies to me, if anything it is me who sometimes don't reply to him)

I have never been close with my cousins and we mutually don't care about each other, but we're still related so I expect them to reply when I message them (which is extremely rarely, I might add; it's not like I spam them). One of my cousins has ignored the 2-3 emails I sent him over a few years, and if he sent me a message now, I'd just delete it. I wouldn't waste my time on someone who didn't reply to my mails.


Yeah I understand, its upsetting when you never get a reply, especially if you wrote 3 times, maybe it is possible that one email would end up in their spam folder (this happens to my mail once in a while), but I would be surprised if they missed all 3 of your messages. Sometimes it takes me a while to reply even to my favorite cousin, but I eventually do (sometimes it can take up to a month or so tho, because I don't check my email very often, but he knows I like him and he's patient with me). But if I write to another one of my cousins, and he/she doesn't reply (and I really don't write often), I just don't bother anymore. Like one year I was in the Christmas spirit and decided to send Merry Christmas messages to all my cousins (when I had their emails, and asked them to say Merry Christmas to the other ones I couldn't send messages to because I didn't have their emails), on about 10 (I have 17 cousins total), only 2 replied to me lol, the one I mentioned (my favorite one), and another one (my favorite cousin's brother) who is very busy but when I write to him he still take the time to reply to me. So that was it for me for the Merry Christmas messages lol (except for those 2 of course), I never did that again.


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Al725
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02 Jun 2014, 3:37 pm

As a conditioned response to a lifetime of social problems as well as dealing with a number of self righteous NTs, I suppose I can be sometimes.



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02 Jun 2014, 5:25 pm

In my case, yes.....you filthy heathens.



ritualdrama
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02 Jun 2014, 5:31 pm

hyena wrote:
I have noticed that we tend to be self-righteous and sometimes spiteful individuals (or maybe it?s just me :-D). I think if we encountered some of our own characteristics in others we would not like them. We show little interest in others and somehow feel neglected and angry if they do the same to us. It?s not nice, though faking interest can look ridiculous.
We have a tendency to blame others when really we are the problem.

What do you think?

Of course I am comparing with decent NTs, there are also many of them with their own problems.


I find that in moments of passion I can become quite self-righteous. I always end up trying to understand if what I said was right or if I was just wanted to dominate an argument. Usually, I am good at shutting up. But sometimes (depending on the day) I will have the mentality of "I'm not putting up with ANYONE's s**t". Even if they're rightly shooting s**t at me. I'll say things and then afterward think about how I was wrong. When I get mad I usually say whatever comes to mind. Which isn't good. It's hard to feel so much emotion and to also be thinking of what to say and whether or not I'm just being self-righteous and arrogant.


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05 Jun 2014, 1:15 am

hyena wrote:
I have noticed that we tend to be self-righteous and sometimes spiteful individuals (or maybe it?s just me :-D). I think if we encountered some of our own characteristics in others we would not like them. We show little interest in others and somehow feel neglected and angry if they do the same to us. It?s not nice, though faking interest can look ridiculous.
We have a tendency to blame others when really we are the problem.

What do you think?

Of course I am comparing with decent NTs, there are also many of them with their own problems.

I guess I am one of those 'spiteful individuals', because self-righteousness is a trait that is common to all human beings and not only those who have Aspies.

I am often accused of being 'self-righteous' to which I reply '...and what makes you so totally sure of that?'

Suffice to say, nobody ever talks to me (besides those who have no choice).

I should write a book; 'how to totally lose your personality and obtain Nirvana in 10 easy steps'.

Yep, I tend to piss people right off....I also tend to realise they fully deserve it...

I just wish I could meet a person like me because I would fully understand them and where they are coming from.



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05 Jun 2014, 1:59 am

I suspect we are less able to pick up and control this behaviour compared to NTs. I really think that NTs who see themselves as having average social skills don't need to work on themselves much more than that, so if they have jerkish behaviour then they see little need to stop being a jerk. I on the other hand continuously work hard to develop new social skills. I have developed a lot of new skills and awareness but I think because of my autism I will never stop working on myself even when I get to an average level.

I remember I used to blame people for not following my routine. I no longer do that. There might be an occasion where I do that though.

Calling us self-righteous and spiteful when we might not even be aware we are and if we are we find it difficult to control, is pretty hurtful. I get called selfish a lot when I'm really not meaning to be, and that hurts.


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05 Jun 2014, 2:20 am

Yes. And a little black&white.


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06 Jun 2014, 9:14 am

I have been told that I am acting or being self-righteous but honestly, I really have no idea what that means. LOL


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