Comparison as commiseration, "making it about me"?

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Kidney stones are known to be painful. I've never passed on, either (fortunately).

I would make the grimace, and try to think of the worst pain you ever experienced in your life (e.g., when you broke a bone) and not say that "I've never had a kidney stone before, so I can't know what it feels like." That response wouldn't make sense to an NT. The person would feel you're an unfeeling person.

Correct. I wouldn't say that to the person, I would only be thinking that just to clarify.

Maybe my facial expressions or lack thereof would "give me away" though. I thought enough about this thread topic to have a conversation with my wife about it; specifically about not being able to identify with a pain, like childbirth, that I have never experienced. Our conversation went something like this:

Me: "Pain of childbirth is an example. I can assume it's painful, but I'll never actually experience it so any reaction I give is only a guess. If a woman says she had a 24 hour labor, I would say: 'That must have been very painful for you.'

My wife: "You'd say it like that? Like a robot? Expressionless?"

Me: "I don't know if I would or not. I don't know what that pain is like. Responding like that would be better than just staring at the person blankly."


I think I'll revisit this topic with my wife tonight and role play by me doing that obvious wincing grimace expression and see if she thinks that would be more acceptable or if it would be too much.

I find all of this interesting.

Do what actors do when they have to cry: remember an experience which made them cry.

NT's are very good at being "actors" in this way; autistic people, not so much.

This is all very interesting. And I do think Magna might be onto something with the second NT friendly conversation. I do get the feeling of withholding information, but I also think NT's don't thrive off of ALL the info like I've found autistics do. It's SO HARD not to give all the information....

The part that I'm stuck up on now, is that I was literally trained to use "I" statements. That is how you have healthy debates. Rather than "It's your fault" or "You did X and you should do Y instead" you are supposed to say things like, "I'm really upset about what happened" and "I feel sad about X, can you please do Y?"

I'm stuck in a scripting issue I think. I was trained to interact in one way because that was what the NT's in my life thought was best and on top of that I am autistic and we seem to naturally interact by sharing experiences. The combo seems to not mesh well with NT's. Now I'm sort of lost as to what is NT appropriate...

You're not alone, Puzzledoll. I even attended a work related (non-autistic) management seminar where we were taught to use "I" statements about our feelings as well rather than non-"I" statements. We were told non-"I" statements could be disputed or argued, but a person can not argue against how you feel about something: "I feel that you're not completing that task adequately." "No, you don't actually feel that way......" Such a response would be absurd.

a point i tried to make earlier. a person, that desires to talk TO u, to connect, will transcend such thing as "I" statements. might not even notice. a person, that desires to talk AT u, will mess with u no matter what language, presets etc u use. they will find what to mess with, because that was their goal all along. only that, the more effort u do to be "appropriate" for their company, the more painful it will be when they finally find what to one-up u over. been there done that. anybody who openly demands to to be "appropriate" for them, who doesnt give u benefit of a doubt, who doesnt even try to put up with ur manner of talking, is a bye-bye louis, louis bye bye. communication is a 2 way street, and u shouldnt, should NOT do all the work. somebody tries to make u, get rid of them or minimize contact. safety first)

These are very good points. Especially about the kind of people that are talking "at" you rather than talking with/to you.

lets say i had my brain full of what i call allistic BS, allthough its not really specially tailored to allistics) and yes i am calling it incorrectly, and i have a lot of old rage about it. just like everybody here. and i have tried to accomodate such toxic people my entire damn life save last year. now they call me deranged because i went in fuck-off-me-bitches mode (forgive the language please, its traumatic thing). its just a way of gaslighting u never see coming unless u perfectly know its there. like a black cat in dark room, u trip over it, then u know its there xD THEN u start learning to detect it BEFORE tripping. after a thousand falls (+- a few hundred)

I love this conversation and can't wait to describe the ways it relates to me ... as soon as I have a moment!

lol -- seriously! I'm so much like you Magna; it's pretty funny.
It seems I need a wife like you guys, so I can role play and learn what you're learning.

btw Magna I saw nothing wrong with your original Spain dialogue, but that's because I think the way you do.

I welcome your feedback on this topic, Isabella.

If there's a topic I have experience with (why would I wax on about something I know nothing about?) or, if there's a topic I don't have experience with but I'm interested in, I could ask questions about the person's topic far longer and be more interested in the other person's information than most NTs, I would imagine. Sure, many of my questions may be innocent and childlike as well as deep, but I definitely can be interested in another person's topics and when I am, I can think of a ton of questions, nearly endless.

Wait, there are people that talk TO you???

Oof, I used to get that a lot. Sometimes my own family would say it when I was younger (context being I wouldn’t want to go somewhere due to the sensory issues I didn’t understand) and old groups of “friends”. People don’t say that to me much anymore, but my dad and sister will sometimes say it because they think I’m just difficult for the heck of it, which kind of hurts. I just hope if I get a diagnosis they’ll stop doing that.


I find it hard to relate to others, and tend to try and use my life experience and what I’ve learned to give others advice. They take it as me wanting to talk about myself sometimes.

I don’t think it comes from a place of malice when people say that, unless they are deliberately manipulative or mean, but rather a place of ignorance and inability to understand.