Are the key to good friendships low expectations?

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I feel like almost all people would help a fellow human being out in an emergency.

It's preposterous to suppose otherwise.

I meant it's impossible to have zero expectations in friendships because it is build on trust (hopefully)

Nope!

Believe it or not, even The Law does not obligate anyone to help in an emergency, although once you start helping, you could be sued or arrested for quitting. This is one reason why bystanders sometimes don't get involved.

Putting an obligation -- or a "favor" -- on someone puts them under your control. You can call in that favor at any time and have the person do your bidding, whether or nor that person really wants to. "He owes me a favor" really means that you have obligated him to do something for you and that he should expect nothing in return.

When I ask a friend to help me with a project, I include an offer of payment -- cash or barter. That way, their reward is immediate, and they know that I value our friendship and that friend as a person, and not as a servant.

The difference between "want" and "obligation" is similar to the difference between "choice" and "duty" -- the former is altruistic, while the latter is transactional, and never the twain shall meet.

Now, did you start this thread to confirm your viewpoint (e.g., "I have come to the conclusion it's maybe due to the fact that I have too high demands on myself as a friend and too high expectations on others"), or did you start this thread to argue against anyone who has already figured it all out?

A person should know that a friend should not deceive another friend, or talk bad about the friend, or do something to harm the friend.

There shouldn't have to be any "obligation." All this should be taken for granted.

I trust my friends to be my friends, to be truthful with me and to respect my autonomy.

But if I was to trust my friends to do my bidding whenever I called them, what kind of friend would I be?

One that sooner or later runs out of friends.

My point was to hear other ppls view on friendship. I'm not in an argue, you might argue with yourself then.

Ok let's leave the word "obligation" for a while and focus on the low expectations, racehorses and donkeys instead

Low expectations make good friendships easier

Low expectations don't suffice to form good relationships

I don't think of my friends as racehorses and donkeys. I don't find the allegory applicable to my friendship situation.

I would say yes, low expectations help. People don't like to feel backed in a corner, and I think sometimes friend expectations can seem too demanding. I once had a friend say I needed to stop depending on her so much, because she wouldn't be able to come through every time and couldn't bear to know she was letting me down.

I also think you have to change your thinking to be less focused on what you receive and more focused on what you can give.

To me, the theoretical "perfect" relationship would be where both people care more about the other than themself. That way, each person is taken care of, but they each take care of each other. If I allow myself to have pity on myself and get flustered over how my own needs will be met, I will always feel like my relationships fall short, because no one is inside my mind and no one can possibly know exactly how I think my needs should be met.

But, I've been trying to focus more on the other person, and trying my best to behave in ways that will be best for THEM. It feels better. As has been discussed in this thread, I'm not obligated, but I choose to because I want to. I feel good about myself if I know I've been a good friend. Yeah, it doesn't "obligate" them to reciprocate, but they do respond better when they feel cared about instead of desperately needed.

Expectations of friendship assume that everyone is on the same page, which is rarely the case.

I treat my friends the way I would like to be treated. I try to befriend people who are decent human beings with a reasonably developed set of morals and and understanding of the reciprocity of friendship. I still actively remind myself that they are human and so am I. No one will ever be prefect. Even the best person out there will let you down once in awhile. What matters is communication, honesty, and intent. As long as people aren't malicious and are authentically themselves it generally makes the friendship worth the energy on my part. I've had some friends who are consistently late (something I can't stand, especially without warning), but once I knew this about them I adapted to it and stopped expecting them to behave in a way they obviously were not going to. It didn't make them bad people or bad friends, just every day humans doing the every day human thing of being imperfect.

I try to maintain realistic expectations of others; specifically, I expect them to be human; no more, no less, with all that entails; good, bad, and indifferent. I expect virtually everyone to be acquaintances, not friends. When I don't expect them to be anything other than exactly what they are, I'm rarely disappointed.
The bar is higher for friends; friendship entails a reasonable expectation of friendliness; kindness, compassion, courtesy, and respect. We all struggle and have bad days, but if someone regularly does not rise to the level of being a friend, then by definition they're not a friend; merely an acquaintance, and should be treated accordingly. While I try to be open and give everyone the benefit of the doubt, not everyone is qualified to be my friend, I don't need everyone to be my friend, and I'm friends enough with myself not to lower my standards and inflict non-friends upon myself.

Fnord is absolutely correct in his outlook here, and I adopted a similar one years ago. In the wise words of John Becker, "No expectations, no disappointments".

I don't expect anything of my close friends, except that they're honest with me, they aren't a***holes and they're there for me if I truly need them (though I don't think I ever have in that way). We can go weeks or months without seeing or talking to each other until one of us decides we want to catch up, or an event comes up that we'd like to go to. It's unreasonable to expect other people to cater to our every whim, especially when it doesn't suit them or they just plain don't feel like doing so. I have friends that I've known since primary school, so clearly something I'm doing is working.

Maybe joking are rare in your friendships as well

Thank you for these last thoughtful posts. I think many of you have good points.

As I see it it's important with reciprocity, if it's not there it doesn't matter how good friends u are

Reciprocity, with no obligation.

I thought my posts were thoughtful enough, even if they were not dissertations.

I got a good sense of humor. But it seemed like you were discussing friendships seriously.

Maybe I should have gotten your humor better, and maybe I should just lighten up