Not allowed to talk to people

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I don't currently have a paid job. I got taken advantage of big time and I tried for work after that and never found something so I got ill. I'm not allowed to work now - not from her, the government has a support category and I'm in that, as far as benefits go.

I disappoint her by talking to people she doesn't know. By talking I mean 'making conversation' rather than 'paying for things'. Especially if I talk to men or working class people. But I don't flirt with men - my taste is in women and younger men and she means older men.

I wonder if it's because she personally likes older guys?

I just find middle class women immensely boring to talk to. Not all of us but some of us. Especially middle aged ones. That's who her friends are and her age and who she would want me to talk to.

My bad

It's easier to see it from outside: this behavior is clear control freakness. Emotional manipulation. My mother does the same for me, only I'm lucky not to live with her any more.
Isolation and control... well... google these two words together.

I think you're right although I'm not sure if she's doing it deliberately. More that her only child is growing up and she can't let go. Almost like empty nest syndrome although I've yet to fly the nest completely.

(I live in a building on their land and pay rent)

She's apologised.

I think it's when innocuous things remind her of my dad.

Likely she is not doing it deliberately.
Likely she is doing it because of her own triggers, insecurities and probably mental health issues she wouldn't admit she has.
Nevertheless, it's unhealthy as hell.

I agree with magz.

Now the question is, what are you going to do about it?

Ok, I get that your mum overstepped her boundaries

But what is so great about talking to precious lil "people"?



"Actions speak louder than words "

"Loose lips sink ships"

Not everyone hates people, that's a personal problem you have.

I like talking to people about shared interests.

Talking to people makes me stronger.
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Well, being on benefit, and being forced to be on benefit, I can't just move out which is what you expect me to do if I'm worthy of any respect. What I did do is talk to her about how ridiculous she was being and she admitted it and accepted it and said sorry.

What I possibly need to do is start ignoring her advice. She's NT but she's a bad judge of character. It seems like anyone in her life is 'good' and anyone in my life is 'bad'. She's had some really bad friends over the years.

But what else I need to do is to learn to have social skills, to set up boundaries, know who to trust etc. Things which WP ought to be helping me with and isn't because my interests aren't American enough/life isn't that of a feminine American.
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I'm just going to dedicate today to being blunt, come what may. I get treated badly even when I'm quiet.

WTF?
Self-worth issues detected. Beep. Beep. Beep.

Setting boundaries with your mother would be easier if you lived 100km away from her but you can do it also living next door to her. It's a lot about realisation that what you see with your own eyes is the reality, even if your mother says otherwise. Hard, but it can be trained.

I'm not a feminine American, either. Though I'm also not a sports fan. Everyone of us lives in some unique social settings.

True, I just need to know how.

I guess the thing is - just do what I want and accept her 'worrying' as nonsense.

If she was angry, I could deal with it. I'm aspie and not feminine so I can't deal with passive aggressive crying. I wish she'd just shout at me so I could shout back.

There are certain people who just don't respect me because I live at home or because I can't work. It's making me doubt myself, too.

Tell me more.
After my mother tried to manipulate me back to religion by tears, my stomach got upset for three days.
And her claim that she never forced religion on me. Lol.
I often thought, it would be easier to deal with if she simply beat me.

I wish you had someone to honestly talk about it in person... did you ever consider a therapist? I talk from my own experience, mine helped me a lot with sorting this kind of things out.

I agree 100%.

You may be on the spectrum, but your mom is the one with the mental health problems. Get out before it's too late.

@magz

Ironically, mum suggested that. I should probably take her up on it.

It helps having you suggest it as I stereotype it with either feminine people (women/camp men) or rich Americans from Hollywood who are never off the couch.

Did you find them ok about you being 1 masculine and 2 aspie? Or did they try to change those bits of you? That's what scares me.

Also getting into conversations about what happened those years ago scares me.

@Benjamin no she doesn't. To give Bea the benefit of the doubt, she might be confused by dad? Or because she doesn't know that brain tumours can be a purely physical thing?

None of the above.
I have expirience with 3 different therapists in different times of my life:
1. A catholic priest who was also a therapist. He was okay but I couldn't really trust him when as a therapist he said it's okay to masturbate but as a priest he couldn't... and he couldn't break through my alexithymia. But he teached me some basics: no judgement on emotions, neither moral, nor logical. Emotions just happen. That was a huge step from my upbringing.
2. A close-to-my-age, feminine woman. Well, that wasn't successful. I was scared of her and masked, she totally didn't get me. I wasn't diagnosed and had no idea I was Aspie. She wasn't trying to change me but she had no idea who I was and how to interact with me.
3. Slightly older than me, feminine-but-slightly-alternative woman, specialized in eating disorders. I found her for my husband but he didn't make his mind, while I gave her a try. She was the one who put it together that I was Aspie. She teaches me to recognize my emotions and value my own reality. Enormous help from her.

So, none of the therapists I've encountered tried to change me but some couldn't "get" me because of who I was.
One of the signs of good practice: you agree on the goal of your therapy. Only the third one did it. In my case it was "if at any random moment I could consider for a short while and then name my feelings, I will consider the therapy successful"
Turned out, we are doing Aspie unmasking.


Oh, yeah, it's hard. But the way to freedom leads through facing your own demons... or I believe it is that way.
A lot of my painful memories faded after I sorted them out but the process isn't light.

Thanks. And thanks for sharing your experiences.

Yeah - there are some things I feel like it's my duty to keep a secret.

Maybe if a therapist had the same sorts of confidentiality as a priest? I mean a cast iron guarantee that what I said in there stayed in there.

As it is, it's really hard to be treated all my life as if I was a teenager. And that's probably going to happen all my life as I just don't age.

Is the "you" in this last paragraph, me? I don't expect you to do any particular thing, and I already respect you, so I hope you didn't mean me.

Actually what you did do sounds quite mature and reasonable.


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I'm sorry you aren't getting the help you need. But you complain you aren't American enough to get what you need here. Not infrequently, I start to read one of your threads with the intent to engage meaningfully, but then you go on a tangent about some sports team that I have never heard of. So I guess I can't engage meaningfully because I am not British/sportsfanish enough. Sorry about that!